When you’re a child of divorce, holiday celebrations can come with a lot of baggage.

 

Check out this first-person article about new Thanksgiving “traditions” (it’s older, but still appropriate).

[click the turkey]

 

“On a holiday devoted to gratitude, it makes sense to let go of grudges, set aside differences and focus on the positive.”

~~~ Aisha Harris

 

…or check out these posts:

A divorced parents’ guide to surviving Thanksgiving without your kids

A Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving with Divorced Parents

The Truth About Thanksgiving With Divorced Parents

For Grown Children Of Divorce, Holidays Are Always Half-Full

_______

To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of the Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.

~~~

Randall Poff
Mediator
503-241-3141

Randall’s Website
Email Randall

  1. Location –  It’s important to find a private, quiet space where you can focus and hear without too much distraction. Sometimes, it’s the car, and other times, a den or patio works well. Try to think about best areas for reception, good lighting, as well as privacy. Decide whether you’d like to be in the same room as your spouse or partner or participating separately. There are pros and cons to each approach and it’s best to talk through logistics ahead of time so everyone feels comfortable.
  2. Test your equipment –  Whether trying to Zoom in on your smartphone, laptop, or office desktop, it’s important to feel comfortable with your equipment and have the latest internet browser or apps downloaded in advance. Ask your host for a practice Zoom or virtual meeting if you are unfamiliar with the platform they are using. At our office, we are happy to do a practice session at no charge with you to test it out. Remember to test your camera, your audio (microphone and speaker) as well as internet bandwidth. If your bandwidth is low, you may need to practice calling into the virtual meeting with your phone, in lieu of computer wi-fi for the audio.
  3. Meeting Invite – Copy and paste your meeting invite into your calendar or notes so it’s easy to click on or access at “go time.”  If your host hasn’t sent one ahead of time, it’s ok to ask or let them know you haven’t seen it as there may be confusion or messages landing in SPAM.
  4. Food and Water –  Grab your favorite snack and beverage ahead of the meeting as you may find yourself needing hydration or energy and immersed in a longer meeting than planned. You can always ask for a “bio break” during the meeting, but it will feel great to have food and water at your fingertips as well.
  5. Background – It may sound silly, but test out your camera in the background to make sure lighting is sufficient and there is nothing too personal or private in the camera’s view. You may even play with virtual backgrounds if you have a newer computer and this feature is enabled. Older computers tend to have distracting “ghosting” around our heads. There are “light rings” you can purchase if you find lighting isn’t sufficient where you hold your virtual meetings.
  6. Microphone – Remember to mute yourself when you’re not speaking during the meeting so that keystrokes, pen tapping, and other background noises are limited and you can feel comfortable making sounds without distracting the meeting.
  7. Breakout Rooms – If you think you might need to have a separate / private virtual room apart from another participant (during a high conflict divorce, for example), ask your host if he or she can enable that feature ahead of time. They may need to adjust settings on their end or upgrade their service and test it out so it goes smoothly during your meeting.
  8. Screen Sharing / Multiple Screens – It helps for a productive meeting to have a second screen, if possible (one for document viewing and one for seeing live faces in the meeting). It will also help if you open any important documents ahead of the meeting and have those windows open to be able to share them with meeting participants, if needed. The host may need to enable your screen sharing.
  9. Recording – If you are unsure of whether the meeting is being recorded, it’s important to ask since some types of meetings (mediation, for example) are supposed to be confidential and not advisable to be recorded. If there are concerns about desiring or not wanting to have a recording, it’s best to go over these protocols in advance of the meeting so there are no misunderstandings.
  10. Timing – Let your host and other participant(s) know whether you have a “hard stop” on the time for the meeting to adjourn, so your agenda can be carefully prioritized and your most time-sensitive questions or concerns are addressed. Creating an agenda is also important in the event of connectivity issues during the meeting so that the most pressing issues can be addressed first.

Please reach out to anyone at our office if you have questions about other aspects of virtual mediation and how to help it be successful for your family.  We are here to help and want to make it less stressful for everyone involved, as it’s already a difficult time for most meeting participants.

~~~

Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109

Tonya’s Website
Email Tonya

See www.YourPeacefulResolution.com for more information and additional resources.

 

 

What is a Financial Neutral?  A financial neutral is a member of a collaborative divorce team or a mediator who helps couples find, organize and understand their financial information and facilitates a process of educating, visioning and creating a plan for settlement. They often have the designation “Certified Divorce Financial Analyst” (or CDFA).

What are the Benefits? 

  • Under the best of circumstances gathering financial information is complex, tedious and fraught with emotion, negative habits and fear. This gives a neutral, calm and supportive environment for that task.
  • Helps the couple understand their finances in a comprehensive, integrated way without denial or avoidance. Look at it, shine a light on it, organize it and understand it.  These are tasks many of us spend a lifetime avoiding and yet are skills that can begin a process of transformation.
  • Helps the couple understand assets, financial issues and the impacts of their decisions, short and long term.
  • Helps them identify interests, the elements of a plan and how to assess it.
  • Helps them come to reality from the magical thinking we all engage in from time to time, which can be so destructive.

What are the Qualities of Financial Professionals?

  • They are trained in Collaborative practice and/or mediation.
  • They have a breadth of knowledge in financial matters pertaining to families, including asset valuation, tax, cash management, budgeting, investments and retirement.
  • They have a knowledge of fundamental legal concepts regarding financial issues in family law matters including marital and non-marital property, equitable distribution, spousal support and child support.
  • They have facilitative skills, are neutral, open minded, creative and are team players.
  • They have an ability to educate persons who have an insufficient knowledge or understanding of the relevant financial concepts and present financial information in a clear and meaningful format.

What are the Tasks of a Financial Neutral?

  • To help you identify your high-end goals. Do you want each of you to have enough money to live comfortably? Own a home? Have your respective lifestyles be approximately equal?  Retire early?  Get some education and start a new career?
  • To create accurate reports of budgets, cash flow, asset and liability property division reports that are easily adjusted and recalculated for consideration of different options and ideas, including tax ramifications.
  • To do long term projections for different options considered for support and property division, including retirement planning.

How Financial Neutrals Benefit Attorneys and Mediators

  • They create reports to work with that get the case moving quickly.
  • Save staff time and expense collecting and entering client information.
  • Save money for clients. One financial neutral gathers information rather than two lawyers doing the same thing.
  • Runs reports to show the effect of different settlement options in real time at negotiation meetings.
  • Helps guide clients with reality checking as a neutral.

At Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions, we have many different skilled individuals to balance what is needed for a thoughtful, intelligent and well-planned divorce settlement. You use only what you need in terms of professional help. It’s delivered with care and compassion. Share this Blog article with others and save it for yourself. You don’t have to get divorced to benefit: These services can also be used for prevention.

To learn more about working with a financial neutral, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.

~~~

Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035

503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona

If you want to avoid an expensive divorce, the biggest piece of advice is to figure out a way the two of you can work together. If you go to mediation and or use the Collaborative Divorce process, you can find agreement the issues without the expense of a courtroom fight. Collaborative Divorce attorneys are a vital piece of the puzzle. The Collaborative Divorce process can provide a big savings, as it reduces the attorney’s billed hours for phone calls, email, and the litigation process.

What Makes a Divorce Cost So Much?

Every time an attorney goes into a courtroom on your behalf, your divorce costs rise. For a typical trial assignment, for example, an attorney can be in the courtroom for an hour before finding out what judge will be hearing your trial the following day, or if they even have availability. When you go in for trial, the court may be behind schedule and you could be billed for hours of your attorney’s time before the trial even begins. If you are working with your spouse and not going to court frequently, you can save thousands of dollars. Working on your divorce with the Collaborative Divorce team means no court appearances, fewer arguments between attorneys (which can also be a costly issue!), and a lower level of stress for all involved.  For example, in many traditional litigated divorce cases, one spouse will contact their attorney to call the opposing party’s attorney, to notify the other parent about what time to pick up the child if there is a schedule change. That kind of communication gets very expensive for the entire family. Each attorney has had a conversation with his or her client, a conversation with the other (time billed), and at least an email or phone to his/her client. Each client has now paid for a minimum of three interactions. In the Collaborative Divorce process, by contrast, the parties would address this issue at an already-scheduled meeting, and would entail one parent notifying the other of a schedule change, and that parent saying okay. Furthermore, the Collaborative Divorce process helps parents to develop good communications skills so they would most likely have been able to have this entire communication without any help from their attorneys at all. In this sense, collaborating saves a lot of time, stress, and money.

Tips to Prevent Problems from Escalating

There are many different ways to communicate successfully.  In the Collaborative Divorce process, a mental health professional is part of the team and helps parents to learn better ways to communicate.  The mental health professional in a Collaborative Divorce case is often referred to as a communication coach or divorce coach.

Talking through unmet needs and areas where communication is breaking down will help you get back on the right track quickly. The attorneys in the collaborative process help their clients find ways to communicate well. In this process, clients and attorneys also have the help of a divorce coach, who can help teach ways to engage in a conversation without accusing or becoming defensive. These skills go a long way toward learning to interact in a way that will benefit both parents, and their children, long after the divorce has been finalized.

When you want to avoid an expensive divorce, being open to the idea of working together is the first step. This does not mean you and your spouse have to agree on everything to choose a collaborative process. There will still be some conflict and disagreements, which is completely to be expected. Divorce is never an easy or inexpensive undertaking. What parties need in order to have a successful collaborative process is an experienced team and a willingness to work together and the ability to empathize with one another. If they have that, the divorce can move more smoothly and the level of conflict and cost will be kept to a minimum.

~~~

Myah Kehoe, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Kehoe Moneyhun Law, LLC

319 SW Washington St., Ste. 614
Portland, OR  97204

2005 SE 192nd Ave., Ste. 200
Camas, WA  98607
503-281-0624

Myah’s Website
Email Myah

 

The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize 2023, for international efforts to transform the way families resolve conflict.

We, at Bridges, are all members and supporters of the IACP. It is the pinnacle of our local, state, and national organizations. The announcement was made last weekend at the annual Forum where Collaborative professionals, mostly in family law, come from all over the world to teach, learn, reflect, bond, celebrate and have fun together. This is how the Collaborative movement has evolved from its birth in 1991 when two lawyers had the courage to meet together with their clients in a conference room around one table to resolve a divorce dispute. The lawyers had to request permission from the local court to even try such a thing without running the risk of a bar complaint for violating rules of professional conduct. Now, only 30 years later, those practices are worthy of Nobel Peace prize nomination. How inspiring!

What is it about Collaborative practice, including Collaborative mediation, that contributes to peacemaking? My take is that peace is a perspective which comes from understanding and compassion.

The necessary ingredients of understanding are looking at more than the legal aspects of the divorce by emphasizing the financial, emotional, and relational aspects of the transition as well. Understanding is looking at more than the superficial information and automatic reactions to see what is behind and below them. What is really motivating the conflict and how is it to be addressed? This kind of understanding comes from what has historically been considered other separate disciplines. By now they have become part and parcel of every Collaborative case by using different professionals and, because we cross-train, we all have a measure of knowledge and appreciation for the emotional, financial, and relational issues to refer to other disciplines in a multi-disciplinary approach.

Next with calm reflection we learn to appreciate the change in perspective that understanding brings. It moves us from anger and judgment to compassion for ourselves and others. From this space decision-making is a lot easier and becomes constructive for all parties, including the children.

Peace is a perspective, a different way of looking at things. It’s a knowing that comes from new information and understanding. It’s a way of being.  If you find this in times of trouble and carry it with you in other relationships and interactions, the world will change to be a more peaceful place. This starts at the root of society – the family, where we first learn how to live.  Even when parents are separated and divorced, what are we teaching our children?  How to live in peace with compassion, no matter what the circumstances, within the boundaries of decency and care.

This will expand through our natural connections with others, to other countries and cultures. It’s already happening. And we’re proud to be part of this movement.

~~~

Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd Ste 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035

503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona