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More on Negotiation in a Collaborative or Mediated Divorce

 

Jim O’Connor set the stage for negotiation by focusing on the future rather than the past in his recent blog – https://bridgesdivorce.com/negotiating-with-your-partner/

            Let’s carry that forward using the steps of a collaborative or mediation process.

High End Goals

We start with goals for the process and for yourselves.  What matters most to you? Take some time.  Do this in a quiet setting with a quiet mind if at all possible.  To come back to your heart will be an important skill for this exercise.

  • Why did you pick a peacemaking process?  What are your goals for the process?
  • What is it you want for your future relationship together?
  • What do you want for the children? What is most important?
  • What are your values about money? What are your priorities?
  • How about personal and emotional goals? How do you want to feel, during the process and afterwards?
  • What are your concerns about ongoing relationships with family, friends, work?
  • What do you need for self-care? Balance of life?
  • What does a positive future look like for you? How do you want to feel?

Negotiation Is Mindful Listening to Yourself and Others.

Negotiation is shared listening.  That is, listening with attention and without judgment.  Attention generates new, fresh thinking.  Mindfulness deepens the quality of attention.  This type of listening helps coherent intelligence unfold.  So better ideas are the result.

We communicate with ourselves this way to unearth our dreams, wants, needs and what’s important to us.  We express this to the other in an environment of mutual respect met with uninterrupted attention.  This is the ideal.  We can come close to it with intention, awareness and discipline.  It’s not easy to do but will make the divorce easier and more fruitful.  It’s a primary requirement of a peaceful process.

Practices of connecting with the heart, meditation and other activities that balance the nervous system assist in making this type of communication possible.  Working with a divorce coach also helps build tolerance and gives practice in better communication to make negotiation at the table much more productive.

Brainstorming Options

When options are proposed, it’s important to consider the interests and needs of the other person as well as your own.  To do this takes courage and letting go.  Relaxing into a process that is not intimidating is important.  Flexibility to listen to and consider options you don’t think would work or don’t think you could agree to requires moving into our higher selves with dignity, patience and understanding.  To listen and not react.

Deciding

Making decisions requires a lot of the same skills.  Know that everything decided upon will not be comfortable.  Any combination of things that constitutes a settlement will require giving up something.  How flexible are you or can you be to accept what is possible or the best possible scenario for your family?  How strong have you made yourself through taking advantage of practices of the heart and other techniques that lead to acceptance.  Acknowledging that you have done the best you can under the circumstances and accepting the result will make a smoother transition moving forward.  It will be a continual practice of releasing and sharing control.  How flexible are you or can you be?  Longevity and happiness require flexibility, acceptance, forgiveness and letting go.

Committing

What does it take to commit to the result and work towards honoring your agreement with good faith, good nature and willingness to adjust to a new normal?  How much can you forgive the past and look forward to a future of cooperation?  These are all skills that can be practiced and mastered.  It’s what makes a better life for us anyway.  This is an opportunity to make life smoother for ourselves and others.

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Stories about People Who Chose Collaborative Divorce

Collaborative Divorce Summaries:

  • A couple who had once been childhood sweethearts could not keep communication civil. Tensions increased as custodial issues regarding their five-year-old son arose. The breaking point for the couple led them to Collaborative Divorce where they learned how to communicate with each other to enable the healthy development of their son. The collaborative process also solved the custodial issues by giving each parent shared custody and arranging a financial plan where both parents contribute to costs relating to their son and both are able to monitor the spending of the money.
  • A music executive and his financially dependent wife decide to get divorced. They have a 5-year old daughter. Collaborative Divorce helped the couple navigate a complicated financial arrangement, as well as the tricky issue of the daughter’s contact with the wife’s new boyfriend and the wife’s pregnancy with the new boyfriend.

    https://bridgesdivorce.com/why-mediation/

    Compassion, not revenge, right?

  • A couple, married for 16 years, entered into a “new” relationship with the help of Collaborative Divorce. Having a team of lawyers, a child psychologist and a financial planner allowed the family to talk through a fair financial arrangement and to meet the needs of the children. Collaborative Divorce helped the couple keep their perspective of what is important. The entire process only took six months and both parents still meet once a week to give each other updates on what has happened the previous week in the children’s lives.
  • It was husband’s second marriage, his first wife had taken off and was out of the picture. His current wife, the stepmother of his children, was the only effective mother his two kids had ever known and due to fertility issues they were the only kids that she would ever have. Ordinarily, she would have had no parental rights, but Collaborative Divorce ensured that she stayed in the kids’ lives.
  • A husband and wife, both ministers and with four kids, were living happily with the husband’s partner as a part of one family and under one roof. The partner wanted to come out, ultimately leading to a divorce trauma for the family. Collaborative Divorce restored the friendship that had been in danger of being lost and allowed the family to reach an acceptable solution.
  • Two parents had a special needs child that was the subject of their financial conflict. Collaborative Divorce not only enabled them to refocus their discussion and come to an agreement, but to continue to work together after the divorce to make sure that both their children receive the care and support that they need.
  • Several years after a rough legal battle, Mary and Stan decided to modify their originally litigated divorce settlement. Collaborative Divorce allowed them to do this so amicably that Stan even offered to help Mary out of a financial rough spot after the divorce modification was over.
  • Five kids from age 5 to 16. Co-owned auto mechanic business. Mom had no intention of recognizing dad’s participation and contribution to lives of children. He was raised Catholic. Dad initiated a Collaborative Divorce and was first to buy into process. Wife had never been a disciplinarian. Father wanted teenage kids to get part-time jobs. Although the parents had very different family philosophies, they finally settled on an “even” parenting plan and equal division of the business. Mom ended up meeting an attorney whom she is marrying.

  • Will Collaborative Divorce work for us?

    A stay-at-home-mom (very photogenic) was married to a wealthy physician for 30 years. After their adult-daughter went to collage, mother decided on divorce so she could “breathe,” but wanted her daughter to feel as if mother was in no way taking advantage of father in the divorce process. Wife wanted divorce, husband was destroyed and adamant that case be concluded immediately. She wanted to honor husband, including all he had done to build the marital estate and she wanted to conduct the divorce process in the least painful manner possible. Wife was also determined to have no regrets, either about the decision or the process of separation. Wife was liberated on a spiritual level by Collaborative Divorce by maintaining peace and integrity throughout the separation, doing it in the most honorable way possible.

  • The entrepreneurial nature of the father’s work put a lot of drama and stress into the couple’s 28-year relationship. With the children off to college, the wife decided to initiate divorce proceedings. They chose Collaborative Divorce, which helped sort out their confusion and questions regarding the separation after so many years of marriage. Both individuals left the experience affirming the time they were married, respecting each other and understanding their divergent paths.
  • Collaborative Divorce saved the marriage. Wife initiated the proceedings after years of frustration of feeling like the odd-person-out in the family. The collaborative team helped establish a less hostile environment to proceed with the divorce and facilitated communication between the couple that in the end caused them to stay together and work out their problems through counseling.

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Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242

Jim’s Website
Email Jim

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FAQ – Summer 2023

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

  • I’m worried that my partner might not be fair to me in the divorce process. How can we try to work together in a peaceful process but still make sure I am taking care of myself?

Divorce is stressful and scary so your question is a very typical one. You (and your partner, if willing) should schedule a consultation with a Bridges Divorce professional and learn about your options for working together on a peaceful divorce that takes care of the needs of all family members (especially children). “Bridgers” are all very experienced in helping individuals and couples find the best option to fit the unique circumstances of their family and, after consultation, will advise you whether it seems like your situation is a good fit for a non-court process.

  • FAQIf there has been a major breach of trust (such as an affair) is it even possible for a couple to work together on their divorce?

Yes, it is possible for couples who start with a low level of trust in each other to work together in a process that will be both sale and transparent. While such work is not always easy, it is usually much less stressful and expensive than using the court model.

  • Wait! We never got married ~ but now we’re having troubles over the children and splitting-up property. How might Bridges work for me?

Oregon and Washington do not have “common-law marriage.” You could go to court and have all the “fun” of a typical Divorce (all without starting out with a happy wedding day <<grinn>>), but most folks can find better solutions with a different option. You (and your partner, if willing) should schedule a consultation with a Bridges Divorce professional and learn about your options for working together on a peaceful transition that takes care of the needs of all family members (especially children). “Bridgers” are all very experienced in helping individuals and couples find the best option to fit the unique circumstances of their family and, after consultation, will advise you whether it seems like your situation is a good fit for a non-court process.

  • How can we decide whether Mediation or Collaborative Divorce fit our situation best?

All Bridges Divorce professionals are experienced in both Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. A consultation (by phone, email or virtual) to discuss your family’s specific situation is the best way to determine which of these peaceful options is the best fit for your family.

Bridges Divorce Professionals

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