Watch this video, Collaborative Divorce: A Safe Place, and follow the true-life story of one couple going through their own collaborative divorce.
Collaborative Divorce: A Safe Place is a twenty minute YouTube video produced by the International Association of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) and used by permission.
To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
When you go through the divorce process, you will need to address all of the same issues regardless of the process you choose. When you are choosing between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce, you are choosing how you want to discuss those issues.
There are many similarities between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. Both are premised on good faith, full disclosure, and creating mutually beneficial agreements. There are several differences between the processes, but the main difference is which professional(s) you work with to resolve your case. Both processes frequently use child specialists, financial specialists and/or divorce coaches. This article focuses only on the role of the mediator and Collaborative attorneys.
In mediation, clients work directly with a neutral third party – the mediator. Mediation is usually a series of “three way” meetings involving both clients and the mediator. The mediator does not represent either client and has an equal duty to both clients. Mediators can provide legal information to clients, but they cannot provide legal advice. Legal information includes what the rules are in Oregon, how they may apply to your situation, and (potentially) what a likely range of outcomes would be in your situation. Legal advice is a recommendation about what you should do in your situation. Mediators cannot provide you with legal advice (even if they are an attorney).
Attorneys are often involved in the mediation process, although they don’t have to be involved. Clients often consult with attorneys prior to mediation or in between mediation sessions. Attorneys will sometimes be present during mediation. This happens more often when a case is litigated (i.e., going through a traditional contested divorce process), but that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case.
You can learn more about the mediation process here.
In Collaborative Divorce each client is represented by their own collaboratively trained attorney. The collaborative team meets together in series of “four way” meetings, although these meetings may also include other professionals if you are working on a “full team” case. Collaborative Divorce usually does not involve a mediator, although sometimes it does. The job of the Collaborative attorney is to educate and advise their client while also providing negotiation assistance. You can learn more about the role of the Collaborative Law attorney here.
You can learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process here.
Which Process to Choose? The main difference between the two processes is working with one neutral third party vs. each person working with their own collaboratively trained attorney. There is not necessarily a ‘right’ process, but here are a few things to keep in mind:
One useful way of deciding between mediation and Collaborative Divorce is to schedule a joint process consultation with a member of Bridges. A joint process consultation is an opportunity for both of you to sit down with one person to discuss which process will work best for your family. These meetings are limited just to discussing these process options – you will not be negotiating at a process consultation.
The members of Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions offer both mediation and collaborative services. Many of us offer joint process consultations if you need help deciding which process makes the most sense for you and your family.
Someone with narcissistic traits, as explained in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders”, the DSM-5, 2013, indicates a person with a sense of entitlement, a belief that they are special and deserve favorable treatment. They have a grandiose sense of importance, need for admiration and lack empathy. Believing themselves to be special, they feel they can only be understood or appreciated by other special or high-status people. They can be interpersonally exploitive, often envious of others and show arrogant, haughty behaviors and attitudes.
My Clients. In my practice as a collaborative divorce coach and vocational expert, I’ve noticed a marked increase in clients citing narcissistic traits in the spouse they’re divorcing. Since a little before Covid-19, whether they initiated the divorce or not, their complaints had a familiar tone. What follows is my reflection on their experience of sorting things out and confronting the ways they have been undermined, their determination to learn to trust themselves again and make positive life affirming decisions for themselves and their family as they moved through the divorce process.
Confusion was common in the beginning of our work, as my clients put words to thoughts they had never shared.
A New Perspective. Analyzing the dynamics of the relationship was a constant theme. Painfully, my clients shared their stories and the questions continued. It was hard to wonder out loud about the abuse they hadn’t always seen as abuse and then to ask, “Why didn’t I leave sooner?”
It’s difficult to feel sure of your perspective when you’ve been discounted for such a long time. But the need to clearly understand what happened in something as important as your marriage, is strong, no matter how hard the truth can be. My clients frequently used words like manipulated, deceived, gaslighted, blamed and shamed to describe the way interactions with their partner made them feel. It was difficult for them grasp or accept that this was the way their partner actually treated them, their spouse. Perhaps the hardest thing to realize was that their partner’s behavior didn’t make sense. They didn’t deserve the way they had been treated.
Finding Support. Being listened to and validated for their perceptions made a big difference, especially around sensitive topics they might not have shared with friends and family. Topics like challenges with a special needs child, their take on a financial issue or ideas for a new career. Encouraged to share these questions and concerns related to the divorce process and being heard by their attorney, mediator, financial or other collaborative professional further solidified their point of view. Becoming more engaged and fully participating in the divorce process ensured a better outcome, as their spoken concerns helped shape the agenda.
New Chapter, Same Dynamic. A particularly tough topic continued to be co-parenting and making sure the kids understood what was happening, given their ages. The familiar lack of respect showed my clients during their marriage, now played out in a lack of communication, too much control or fights around changes to pre-arranged parenting plans, for example. If my client was still being put down, their efforts and time still taken for granted, maintaining a positive view of their partner in the eyes of the children was challenging. Our work here supported their interest in taking the “high road,” and not criticizing their spouse, especially when they felt vulnerable and afraid of seeing the quality of their own relationships with the children suffer, due to these dynamics.
A Clearer View. Gradually my clients saw patterns, made connections, and began to feel better about themselves. Maybe things weren’t all their fault. Maybe their partner’s inability to take responsibility for their issues played a role. They were encouraged to continue to seek out as much social support as possible. Fortunately, some of the people I was talking with had friends who were able to see things from their perspective too, which strengthened their newfound realizations.
Setting Boundaries. As clients questioned themselves less and had support to think through what they actually needed day to day and in their divorce process, it became clear they needed to set boundaries with their partners. Saying “No” can be hard but vital when your self-care and mental health are on the line. Not to mention finances or childcare arrangements. Or that this isn’t the weekend for their partner to get their stuff out of the garage. Respectfully, clarifying their views one issue at a time, my clients practiced speaking up. Sometimes repeating themselves made a difference and partners listened with the support of the divorce team. What a reward. Clients’ sense of control over their lives grew; they could decide how they spent their time, within the context of agreements made about their separation. They could share their perspectives, make decisions and take action in a way that made sense to them, suited them and their style and way of approaching life.
Looking Forward. It was now easier to entertain thoughts of the future. Perhaps if they took the time to think about what they wanted (maybe had always wanted) and moved in that direction, things might turn out differently this time. Though it was still scary to think about going back to work, once concerns about children, housing or health issues were addressed at least initially, progress was possible.
A Gradual Process. Taking the smallest of steps, talking with people in industries of interest and being taken seriously for their ideas was pivotal. Again, it was life changing to have an experience that countered years of feeling discounted, in this case for creative thoughts about work and business. In most cases it didn’t happen overnight, but gradually as my clients built their networks, perhaps enrolled in community college, graduate school, a specific training program, chins lifted. Resumes were updated and particular jobs and companies targeted for their alignment with client interests, values and transferrable skills. Things began to happen. They continued to build momentum in response to the positive feedback and encouragement they received from established and newly formed networks, as unimaginable as this might have seemed a few months ago.
Knowledge and Resources. Practitioners in the mediating and collaborative family law community in Oregon cite the difference that support and education makes for couples that are separating. In the case of divorcing a difficult person, it can make a huge difference. Both parties are eligible for advocacy, coaching, education and care that bring stability and relief to the divorce process, and hope for the future.
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Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
When you’re a child of divorce, holiday celebrations can come with a lot of baggage.
“On a holiday devoted to gratitude, it makes sense to let go of grudges, set aside differences and focus on the positive.”
~~~ Aisha Harris
…or check out these posts:
A divorced parents’ guide to surviving Thanksgiving without your kids
A Guide to Surviving Thanksgiving with Divorced Parents
The Truth About Thanksgiving With Divorced Parents
For Grown Children Of Divorce, Holidays Are Always Half-Full
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To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of the Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
meeting). It will also help if you open any important documents ahead of the meeting and have those windows open to be able to share them with meeting participants, if needed. The host may need to enable your screen sharing.Please reach out to anyone at our office if you have questions about other aspects of virtual mediation and how to help it be successful for your family. We are here to help and want to make it less stressful for everyone involved, as it’s already a difficult time for most meeting participants.
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Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
See www.YourPeacefulResolution.com for more information and additional resources.
What is a Financial Neutral? A financial neutral is a member of a collaborative divorce team or a mediator who helps couples find, organize and understand their financial information and facilitates a process of educating, visioning and creating a plan for settlement. They often have the designation “Certified Divorce Financial Analyst” (or CDFA).
What are the Benefits?
What are the Qualities of Financial Professionals?
What are the Tasks of a Financial Neutral?
How Financial Neutrals Benefit Attorneys and Mediators
At Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions, we have many different skilled individuals to balance what is needed for a thoughtful, intelligent and well-planned divorce settlement. You use only what you need in terms of professional help. It’s delivered with care and compassion. Share this Blog article with others and save it for yourself. You don’t have to get divorced to benefit: These services can also be used for prevention.
To learn more about working with a financial neutral, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
If you want to avoid an expensive divorce, the biggest piece of advice is to figure out a way the two of you can work together. If you go to mediation and or use the Collaborative Divorce process, you can find agreement the issues without the expense of a courtroom fight. Collaborative Divorce attorneys are a vital piece of the puzzle. The Collaborative Divorce process can provide a big savings, as it reduces the attorney’s billed hours for phone calls, email, and the litigation process.
Every time an attorney goes into a courtroom on your behalf, your divorce costs rise. For a typical trial assignment, for example, an attorney can be in the courtroom for an hour before finding out what judge will be hearing your trial the following day, or if they even have availability. When you go in for trial, the court may be behind schedule and you could be billed for hours of your attorney’s time before the trial even begins. If you are working with your spouse and not going to court frequently, you can save thousands of dollars. Working on your divorce with the Collaborative Divorce team means no court appearances, fewer arguments between attorneys (which can also be a costly issue!), and a lower level of stress for all involved. For example, in many traditional litigated divorce cases, one spouse will contact their attorney to call the opposing party’s attorney, to notify the other parent about what time to pick up the child if there is a schedule change. That kind of communication gets very expensive for the entire family. Each attorney has had a conversation with his or her client, a conversation with the other (time billed), and at least an email or phone to his/her client. Each client has now paid for a minimum of three interactions. In the Collaborative Divorce process, by contrast, the parties would address this issue at an already-scheduled meeting, and would entail one parent notifying the other of a schedule change, and that parent saying okay. Furthermore, the Collaborative Divorce process helps parents to develop good communications skills so they would most likely have been able to have this entire communication without any help from their attorneys at all. In this sense, collaborating saves a lot of time, stress, and money.
There are many different ways to communicate successfully. In the Collaborative Divorce process, a mental health professional is part of the team and helps parents to learn better ways to communicate. The mental health professional in a Collaborative Divorce case is often referred to as a communication coach or divorce coach.
Talking through unmet needs and areas where communication is breaking down will help you get back on the right track quickly. The attorneys in the collaborative process help their clients find ways to communicate well. In this process, clients and attorneys also have the help of a divorce coach, who can help teach ways to engage in a conversation without accusing or becoming defensive. These skills go a long way toward learning to interact in a way that will benefit both parents, and their children, long after the divorce has been finalized.
When you want to avoid an expensive divorce, being open to the idea of working together is the first step. This does not mean you and your spouse have to agree on everything to choose a collaborative process. There will still be some conflict and disagreements, which is completely to be expected. Divorce is never an easy or inexpensive undertaking. What parties need in order to have a successful collaborative process is an experienced team and a willingness to work together and the ability to empathize with one another. If they have that, the divorce can move more smoothly and the level of conflict and cost will be kept to a minimum.
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Myah Kehoe, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Kehoe Moneyhun Law, LLC
319 SW Washington St., Ste. 614
Portland, OR 97204
2005 SE 192nd Ave., Ste. 200
Camas, WA 98607
503-281-0624
The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize 2023, for international efforts to transform the way families resolve conflict.
We, at Bridges, are all members and supporters of the IACP. It is the pinnacle of our local, state, and national organizations. The announcement was made last weekend at the annual Forum where Collaborative professionals, mostly in family law, come from all over the world to teach, learn, reflect, bond, celebrate and have fun together. This is how the Collaborative movement has evolved from its birth in 1991 when two lawyers had the courage to meet together with their clients in a conference room around one table to resolve a divorce dispute. The lawyers had to request permission from the local court to even try such a thing without running the risk of a bar complaint for violating rules of professional conduct. Now, only 30 years later, those practices are worthy of Nobel Peace prize nomination. How inspiring!
What is it about Collaborative practice, including Collaborative mediation, that contributes to peacemaking? My take is that peace is a perspective which comes from understanding and compassion.
The necessary ingredients of understanding are looking at more than the legal aspects of the divorce by emphasizing the financial, emotional, and relational aspects of the transition as well. Understanding is looking at more than the superficial information and automatic reactions to see what is behind and below them. What is really motivating the conflict and how is it to be addressed? This kind of understanding comes from what has historically been considered other separate disciplines. By now they have become part and parcel of every Collaborative case by using different professionals and, because we cross-train, we all have a measure of knowledge and appreciation for the emotional, financial, and relational issues to refer to other disciplines in a multi-disciplinary approach.
Next with calm reflection we learn to appreciate the change in perspective that understanding brings. It moves us from anger and judgment to compassion for ourselves and others. From this space decision-making is a lot easier and becomes constructive for all parties, including the children.
Peace is a perspective, a different way of looking at things. It’s a knowing that comes from new information and understanding. It’s a way of being. If you find this in times of trouble and carry it with you in other relationships and interactions, the world will change to be a more peaceful place. This starts at the root of society – the family, where we first learn how to live. Even when parents are separated and divorced, what are we teaching our children? How to live in peace with compassion, no matter what the circumstances, within the boundaries of decency and care.
This will expand through our natural connections with others, to other countries and cultures. It’s already happening. And we’re proud to be part of this movement.
~~~
Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd Ste 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
As a divorce coach and vocational expert in collaborative and mediated cases that are settled out of court, I have the privilege of supporting moms and dads needing to go back to work, as a result of their divorce. Typically the stay at home spouse has spent several years, often more than fifteen, out of the workplace. Much has changed technically and culturally since they last worked or went to school. They often feel afraid, overwhelmed and lost as they begin to take stock. It’s a lot to face; find a viable direction in today’s market, upgrade technical skills and financial savvy, prepare to attend school or job search, all while making the adjustment to single life.
There is often huge resentment and anger. Particularly for someone who with their spouse made the decision to give up/put on hold career or education, in order to raise children, only to find themselves on their own twenty years later. It may now be impossible to gain parity with the working spouse in terms of income and retirement savings. Divorce attorneys and financial experts can address this, and do a great job for you and your soon to be ex, but the fact remains there’s often considerable catching up to do.
Clients, who stayed in touch with former employers, worked part time or seasonally, volunteered in their community, took classes and kept up with technology and finances do better. Divorce is not something people typically plan on. Still it happens in half or more of all marriages. Don’t be blindsided or allow yourself to be put in a compromised position at any life stage. Stay involved in the working world at some level; cultivate resources, contacts and experience to draw on should you unfortunately need to. Despite the challenges, with a little time, support and actively taking steps, the transition to a new life can be inspirational and positively trans-formative.
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Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
Emotionally, psychologically, socially ending a marriage or domestic partnership can be very difficult indeed. Add the hot-button topics of child custody, strained finances and division of property to the mix and it is no wonder divorce is probably one of the most challenging life events you’ll ever experience. So, “No!” it is not easy, but from one point of view, there are (at least) two different approaches. One, especially, is a lot easier than the other.
Two approaches in divorce:
Many people are able to agree with their partner and this makes the process of separation and divorce a lot easier. Not easy, but easier.
Going to courtUnfortunately, many people are living in the difficult world of divorce litigation. Sure, if you could agree on things you might not be getting divorced in the first place. Ultimately, if you are unable to agree, you will need the court to make the decisions for you.
A pet-peeve:
Many of my clients read or hear about the phrase, “no-court-divorce,” and wonder . . .
I can say without hesitation (at least in Oregon and Washington), there is no such thing as “no-court-divorce.” To end your marriage and become a single person, it can only happen in court with a judge signing legal papers! Historically, that’s how litigating divorce lawyers came to be: If you gotta go to court, the thinking was, they (and the media, to a great degree) convinced folks they need to engage in a court-battle to “win-it-all” from their former partner. Yes, some folks will need a judge to give them their answers ~ I don’t expect courthouses will be torn down or become obsolete anytime soon. I do believe most folks are able to find their own comprehensive divorce agreements, sometimes on their own but usually with the help of a caring, trained professional.
Finances & Property
It’s not only a matter of who will get what, there are also issues of child support and perhaps even spousal support (alimony) to consider. Typically, there is a lot at stake for both partners. Will you get to keep most of your hard earned assets?
Child Custody & Parenting
Children are the future. Will joint custody be workable? How will parenting-time be established? Will you be able to be there for your children when it matters most? Will you be involved enough to really be a part of their lives as the years go on?
Nobody looks forward to divorce: It’s hard! When you decide it’s over, you do have options to the tired old refrain, “See you in court!” Mediation or Collaboration are usually better choices for most couples. The vast majority of my clients “get ‘r done” without a contested court case (especially in these COVID-19 trying times).
Contact me (or any “Bridger”) to learn how to “invite” your partner to an amiable divorce. I am convinced the better way is Collaborative Divorce (and its little sibling, Mediation)!
To learn more about the Divorce Process Options, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
One of the strengths of Collaborative Divorce is that it permits ownership and control of settlement process by the people most impacted by the settlement – the couple! The process responds to YOUR agenda, not the agenda of a lawyer or a judge or some other third party.
So – with that in mind, this Blog will not be a “lecture” on how I, as a lawyer, will tell you “how it is” or “how it should be.” Rather, this Blog is a place for you, the reader, to tell us “how it is” or “how it should be”.
Please post comments, thoughts, or questions and we’ll try to respond – in hopes of making our process better and more responsive to the people who really matter: the clients.
To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Randall Poff, JD
Family Mediator
JD is an educational degree and the holder does not provide legal services.
503-241-3141
This free information packet was created by the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) as a tool to educate you both about Collaborative Divorce. The PDF format can safely be downloaded onto your hard drive and emailed, or it can be printed as a portable and easy-to-read “hard copy.”
The kit contains the following:
Download your free Collaborative Divorce Knowledge Kit and discover if collaborative divorce will work for you. Used with permission of the International Association of Collaborative Professionals. The download is a single PDF “kit” file.
our process better and more responsive to the people who really matter: the clients.
To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
Families often ask about the role of a child specialist in collaborative divorce cases and how this support is similar and dissimilar to therapy. Following are some helpful guidelines to assist parents in choosing the best suited professional to support their child during a divorce.
A child specialist’s role is targeted to address the child’s needs during the divorce process. It is clearly stated to the child that the conversations and experiences with me will focus on helping them express their thoughts and feelings about the divorce. Children understand that I’ll will be talking with their parents about the content of the sessions. This work is limited to a recommended number of sessions. Therapy, on the other hand, involves building a relationship with the child over time to support in the development of a child’s sense of themselves and to help them navigate adjustments in multiple contexts, including family and friendship dynamics, as well as school experiences.
A child specialist will meet with parents to help them understand possible effects and behaviors during a divorce. Parents will learn about developmental differences and coping styles a child may show at different ages. Parents will be given helpful guidance about ways to support their child, highlighting the strengths and possible challenges that lie ahead. Parents are encouraged to make child centered decisions with each other and to minimize conflict and unpredictability during this stressful time.
Child Specialists do not make recommendations about parenting time or custody. They do, however, consult with other collaborating professionals to assist them in supporting the family’s plan.
Children often feel a lack of control during the divorce, and by offering these specialized sessions, children are given a voice and a chance to express themselves in a safe and neutral place.
“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that’s mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we’re not alone.” ~Fred Rogers
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Diane Gans, MA, LPC
Psychotherapist & Child Specialist
1609 Willamette Falls Dr.
West Linn, OR 97068
503-704-3759
As a Child Specialist, I have great compassion for the impact that the process of divorce has on families. Parents are not only navigating their own loss and grief, but are intensely protective and concerned for their children’s well being and healing. In many cases, parents have varied views about the effects on their children, one praising the resilience and happiness they observe and hear from them, while the other fears that irreparable damage has been done throughout the divorce.
When I meet with children, I often learn that it is somewhere in between. Children are not unaffected, but may deal with multiple emotions of guilt, sadness and anger that they are reluctant to share to protect their parent or prevent added conflict. However, they can explore and express these in therapy and/or with their parents as a part of the grieving process. while envisioning new and different ways of being in their family, moving forward.
Below are some helpful ideas written from a child’s perspective for parents to consider as they are creating new ways of interacting with each other and their children during divorce:
Dear Mom and Dad,
Here is a list of helpful ideas to help me manage the divorce:
- Always remember I love both of you.
- Even though you may not get along, I feel torn apart when you talk badly about the other parent.
- Respect that I am grieving. This divorce is a loss for me and I may go through many stages as I adjust to our new family.
- Create a special place for me at both homes, no matter how long I spend there. I might like a photo of my other parent and me to comfort me when I miss them.
- Be careful of where you have adult conversations about the divorce and each other. Hearing about fighting and money create more worries for me- about myself and the safety of our family.
- Ask me questions about my time away from you. Help me not to feel guilty about leaving you and having fun with the other parent.
- Ask my other parent if you have questions about their new relationships or other private things. Secrets and spying make me feel anxious and disloyal.
- Encourage me to call or text my other parent when I am with you. Help me schedule a routine at bedtime or before school. This helps me stay connected to both of you.
- Keep talking to each other about me! I feel very responsible about your reactions when I carry notes or messages between you.
- Help me prepare for transitions with routines and special things that comfort me at both homes, such as a journal or favorite stuffed friend.
- Agree on what rules I have at both homes. It will be much harder for me to fight about bedtime if both of you agree.
- Attend my school and fun activities with me. It makes me happy that you are both sharing in something that is important to me.
- Try to create as many opportunities for me to see you! Be flexible if my other parent has occasional requests to change our time together.
- Protect me from your adult feelings. I am aware that you are often sad and mad too, and I feel very responsible to take care of you.
- Find caring adults to support and listen to you. When you are healthy and happy, I feel happier too!
Thank you,
Your Loving Child
~~~
Diane Gans, MA, LPC
Psychotherapist & Child Specialist
1609 Willamette Falls Dr.
West Linn, OR 97068
503-704-3759
T. Boone Pickens was one of the featured presenters at a collaborative law conference in Texas.
Following his talk with the group, he gave an entertaining and enlightening interview to the Dallas Business Journal — it’s written up here.
Mr. Pickens used Collaborative Divorce in his recent parting of ways from his fourth wife, Madeleine. The energy tycoon said the collaborative approach saves both money and emotional wear and tear on families.
“Collaborative law keeps everything on a high level, and everybody cooperating,” Pickens said.
Mr. Pickens is best known as a corporate raider for his runs at Gulf Oil, Unocal, Pioneer and others in the 1980s. In recent years T. Boone Pickens has focused on managing Dallas-based hedge funds and pushing his Pickens Plan to boost adoption of wind, solar, and especially natural gas.
To learn more about choosing Collaborative Practice for a peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
Effective communication with your Collaborative Attorney is crucial to the successful completion of your case. In order for your attorney to successfully advocate on your behalf, you must be able to clearly communicate your goals, and provide the factual details your attorney needs to help you reach a settlement.
Change of address, telephone number, or email addressSetting ground rules about how you will communicate with your attorney, their staff, and other allied professionals in a Collaborative Divorce case early on ensures that everyone stays in the loop, and that your case can continue to progress forward in a timely manner.
To learn more, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Joanna “Jo” Posey, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Posey Legal, PC
3115 NE Sandy Blvd., Ste 222
Portland, OR 97232
503-241-0818
As families begin the process of divorcing, understanding how this loss affects children can help parents prepare to respond and support them. Psychologists like Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and William Bridges have explored grief for decades, hoping to universalize and connect us through these shared experiences. As with all development, these are guidelines from which each child enters and explores the process. It is not linear nor something to “check a box” for completion. The transition to acceptance is circular and ongoing.
In this first article, I’ll explore some initial emotions and typical reactions and how I work with children during these first stages of grief.
Some common terms to describe the first stages of a loss include shock, denial, and confusion. How does this show up in a child? How might they respond when parents first tell them about the upcoming change in the family? It’s helpful when parents work with me prior to the conversation to create common language and plans for responding to the questions and what potential challenges they expect. Parents are managing their own strong emotions of loss during this conversation and concerns for their child’s well-being are heightened and natural. We discuss developmental differences with various ages and temperaments. Responses might range from tears and physical clinginess to seemingly disinterested replies: “Cool, can I go play now?” Denial serves a protective purpose for the mind. It helps create space and time for the safety to emerge in which this unexpected reality can enter…
Parents can create safety in these first moments by addressing questions potentially unasked about the upcoming weeks and months ahead. How are my daily activities going to change? When are these changes happening? What choices do I have within these family changes? What will stay the same for me? These responses should be delivered while attuning to the child’s capacity to receive. If a child is in denial and seeking normalcy, chasing them to their room with these overwhelming plans obviously isn’t recommended, rather understanding their potential confusion and offering time and space to respond to expected questions helps to give children control in unfamiliar waters.
When I meet with children during these first weeks, our time together is designed to empower them to be with their unique experience through exploration and validation of feelings and concerns, while reinforcing their strengths and resilience of their families. We work expressively through art, play, and conversations.
Families are creating their divorce story in these first stages. I help parents honor and retain the love that created this family in these moments. This love lives through their children and can help guide and support the loss the children experience.
In the next article, I’ll address bargaining, anger, and anxiety that affect some children during these stormy seas.
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A colleague recently shared some training materials from Bill Eddy, founder of High Conflict Institute. This article shares some of Bill’s wisdom on how to help resolve conflicts by making effective proposals.
Most conflicts, from international disputes to divorces, have been percolating for some time. Someone has done something to someone (maybe many things, many times) and finally, one party insists that things must change. Depending on the type of injury involved, a participant may wish to be heard, acknowledged, and apologized to before any plan for the future can be developed. Those are crucial steps that must be skillfully handled and ….. that is a subject for a different blog post. This article is about how former partners can begin to take concrete steps towards a different future, whether or not they have completed their reconciliation efforts.
In one of many past Israeli-Palestinian negotiations, both delegations were repeatedly getting into arguments about past wrongs their people had suffered at each other’s hands. Finally, one of the mediators offered the following insight: “If we talk about the past, one side will likely have to be ‘wrong’ for the other to be ‘right’. If we focus on the future, perhaps we can find a way to both be right.”
By exchanging proposals meant to achieve the desired change, we may be able to change the focus from a blame game about what’s already happened to be imagining how to go forward from this point. Either party to a dispute may make a proposal or ask if the other person is ready to make one. Bill Eddy suggests that, to be effective, proposals should include:
Example: “I’d like to propose that we change the day we exchange the kids so that I pick them up on Friday instead of Thursday at your house”.
For parties with good faith, the person making the proposal sincerely sees it as a reasonable solution to the problem being addressed, and one that the other might possible agree with. Even if the receiving party does not view the idea as workable, beginning a diplomatic exchange of ideas (as opposed to a harsh critique) may lead to a dialogue where a different, even better mutual solution emerges. Toward that goal, the participants should:
– “Yes”
– “No, that won’t work for me because…….” or
– “I’ll think about it and get back to you by ……”.
Note that there is no editorializing, just a focus on what works for you, and what does not.
Especially for disputes with a relational or historical component, our habitual pattern of interacting may lead us to an emotional reaction to a proposal we don’t like: “Are you nuts? There you go again! …. What a selfish or silly idea !”. But, if we want to “win” (by reaching a solution to the dispute) rather than be “right” (by debating our perspective), then we must keep laser focused on resolving the problem using Bill Eddy’s simple steps: make or receive a proposal, and respond with “yes”, “no” or “I’ll think about it”.
None of this is to suggest that negotiating with our intimate partner is an easy thing just that, with the right help and techniques, it can actually be done effectively.
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Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
Jim’s Website
Email Jim
Many family mediation matters are handled effectively by a single mediator, but there are also situations when two professional heads working together are better than one.
Co-mediation involves two trained professionals (usually one lawyer and one with a mental health or financial background) working together with the family as a 4-person settlement team. If the case involves difficult emotions or complex issues, two mediators with different professional backgrounds may assist the couple to reach better, faster and more enduring agreements. For example, financial decisions may be intertwined with emotional or kid-focused issues. Two mediators take turns “in the lead.” and can be better able to observe and keep notes. Two mediators help ensure that both parties remain engaged and feel heard in the process, even when the circumstances of the case make that a challenge. Co-mediation allows mediators with different backgrounds and varied skills to work together in a complementary way to provide a full range of assistance that many families require. Alternatively, family members may mediate with the professionals in separate sessions, depending on the topic or work needed.
Engaging two mediators will most likely cost more than a session with just one professional.
However, co-mediation can offer tremendous synergy to the family and may result in a more efficient, effective process. Most families using co-mediation remark that the additional expense was value-added and well worth the marginal cost. Families should have access to a full range of peaceful options to help them address their unique challenges. The Bridges Professional(s) that you consult with can discuss co-mediation with you and your family to see if this option will best fit your needs, or whether another option, such as collaborative method or pure mediation is preferable.
If you have questions about co-mediation, or any other issue concerning divorce or separation, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
Jim O’Connor set the stage for negotiation by focusing on the future rather than the past in his recent blog – https://bridgesdivorce.com/negotiating-with-your-partner/
Let’s carry that forward using the steps of a collaborative or mediation process.
We start with goals for the process and for yourselves. What matters most to you? Take some time. Do this in a quiet setting with a quiet mind if at all possible. To come back to your heart will be an important skill for this exercise.
Negotiation is shared listening. That is, listening with attention and without judgment. Attention generates new, fresh thinking. Mindfulness deepens the quality of attention. This type of listening helps coherent intelligence unfold. So better ideas are the result.
We communicate with ourselves this way to unearth our dreams, wants, needs and what’s important to us. We express this to the other in an environment of mutual respect met with uninterrupted attention. This is the ideal. We can come close to it with intention, awareness and discipline. It’s not easy to do but will make the divorce easier and more fruitful. It’s a primary requirement of a peaceful process.
Practices of connecting with the heart, meditation and other activities that balance the nervous system assist in making this type of communication possible. Working with a divorce coach also helps build tolerance and gives practice in better communication to make negotiation at the table much more productive.
When options are proposed, it’s important to consider the interests and needs of the other person as well as your own. To do this takes courage and letting go. Relaxing into a process that is not intimidating is important. Flexibility to listen to and consider options you don’t think would work or don’t think you could agree to requires moving into our higher selves with dignity, patience and understanding. To listen and not react.
Making decisions requires a lot of the same skills. Know that everything decided upon will not be comfortable. Any combination of things that constitutes a settlement will require giving up something. How flexible are you or can you be to accept what is possible or the best possible scenario for your family? How strong have you made yourself through taking advantage of practices of the heart and other techniques that lead to acceptance. Acknowledging that you have done the best you can under the circumstances and accepting the result will make a smoother transition moving forward. It will be a continual practice of releasing and sharing control. How flexible are you or can you be? Longevity and happiness require flexibility, acceptance, forgiveness and letting go.
What does it take to commit to the result and work towards honoring your agreement with good faith, good nature and willingness to adjust to a new normal? How much can you forgive the past and look forward to a future of cooperation? These are all skills that can be practiced and mastered. It’s what makes a better life for us anyway. This is an opportunity to make life smoother for ourselves and others.
To learn more about negotiation, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
Divorce is stressful and scary so your question is a very typical one. You (and your partner, if willing) should schedule a consultation with a Bridges Divorce professional and learn about your options for working together on a peaceful divorce that takes care of the needs of all family members (especially children). “Bridgers” are all very experienced in helping individuals and couples find the best option to fit the unique circumstances of their family and, after consultation, will advise you whether it seems like your situation is a good fit for a non-court process.
If there has been a major breach of trust (such as an affair) is it even possible for a couple to work together on their divorce?Yes, it is possible for couples who start with a low level of trust in each other to work together in a process that will be both sale and transparent. While such work is not always easy, it is usually much less stressful and expensive than using the court model.
Oregon and Washington do not have “common-law marriage.” You could go to court and have all the “fun” of a typical Divorce (all without starting out with a happy wedding day <<grinn>>), but most folks can find better solutions with a different option. You (and your partner, if willing) should schedule a consultation with a Bridges Divorce professional and learn about your options for working together on a peaceful transition that takes care of the needs of all family members (especially children). “Bridgers” are all very experienced in helping individuals and couples find the best option to fit the unique circumstances of their family and, after consultation, will advise you whether it seems like your situation is a good fit for a non-court process.
All Bridges Divorce professionals are experienced in both Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. A consultation (by phone, email or virtual) to discuss your family’s specific situation is the best way to determine which of these peaceful options is the best fit for your family.
Finances – Gather information on your monthly expenses, income, and cash flow needs on a monthly basis. To help with this task, there are free sites such as www.mint.com that can categorize spending and help you understand your monthly budget. Many banks and credit unions offer this service as well. It’s also a great time to meet with a financial adviser to better understand your financial situation and how to save and plan for the future.
Kids – Start thinking about your vision for co-parenting and how these new roles will be to help your child or children thrive and minimize the negative impact of divorce. Inquire about parenting classes for divorcing parents offered in each county. Statistics from the court show the earlier each parent completes these courses the greater the likelihood of avoiding litigation and co-parenting with success. I also recommend meeting with a child specialist or parenting coach to optimize communication and ease the transition of your family and children during this difficult transition.
Home – Start thinking about your goals and vision for the future, and whether you agree on selling the family home, buying out your spouse’s share of equity, or continuing to co-own in some manner after divorce. Gather information on value of home, mortgage(s) and any lines of credit attached to the home.
Debts – Run free annual credit reports to better understand any and all debts and liabilities outstanding as well as credit score for possible re-finance or loan. One site that seems user friendly is www.myfico.com but there are many others you can find as well. You may consider closing unused joint accounts and trying to simplify and disentangle debts.
Tip for unemployed spouse looking to transition back into the workforce – I highly recommend meeting with a vocational coach or career services staff at a local college to explore initial steps to develop a plan for re-entry into the workforce and different educational plans and career paths.
Family business – If you have an ownership interest in a family business, it is a good idea to organize your accounting and books to make sure everything is up to date and in order. It’s money well spent to hire a good bookkeeper or accounting firm to help set up QuickBooks accounts or assist in bookkeeping.
Taxes – If you have any past years in which you have not filed taxes, it is crucial to meet with a CPA or other tax professional and catch-up to current year.
Retirement accounts – Try to avoid early distributions or withdrawals from retirement accounts prior to divorce or legal separation. I highly recommend obtaining legal advice for any possible creative solutions to avoid penalties and look at all available options.
Communication – Most importantly, in my opinion, is the ability to maintain open communication and transparency, so there are no surprises or changes from the “status quo” without discussion and agreement. Family coaches and mediators can help facilitate these discussions in a safe and confidential environment. Also, think about using the collaborative team approach if you would like to have more support and advocacy than mediation offers while still staying out of court and meeting family goals. Coaches can be utilized in both mediation and collaborative models.
If you have questions about peaceful separating, or any other issue concerning family or divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
Many people are paralyzed by fear when contemplating a divorce. Most often the fear is about money. It’s either a fight, flight or freeze response. But there is another possibility, and that’s empowerment. That’s the power created by two autonomous people with a shared vision for the future. I’m calling it the Third Power (1+1=3) and it’s possible to achieve in a facilitated process. I’ve seen it happen.
Energy is defined by the Oxford dictionary as “power derived from physical or chemical resources.” Money is energy. So is positivity. Learning about your resources and visioning what you want in your future can inspire and propel you forward. That capacity is increased if you do it together with a shared purpose. A financial neutral, either as your mediator or as part of a collaborative team, can lead you there. It’s a journey that requires preparation.
As I see it there are 3 stages to work through, in the following order:
Emotional Regulation
Focus must be on calming the mind and body. It’s important to practice neutrality in whatever way is comfortable for you. You will be offered tools to relax the nervous system so you can think clearly and make good decisions. You will be urged to consider your higher purpose, your long -term goals for yourselves and the family and your needs. It’s good to think about what you do have and find appreciation where you can. This is all energy savings. Anger, fear, doubt and other understandable but unhelpful emotions drain your energy and reduce the cortical function of that part of the brain needed to make good decisions. Negative emotions generate cortisol overload in the body which threatens health, well- being and the prospect of peace for all of you.
So, whether it’s meditation, prayer, a walk around the block, candles at the meeting or visits to the divorce coach, practice neutral as much as possible to build your resilience and capacity for getting to a calm place within yourself. Finding and maintaining that kind of attitude will make a world of difference.
Information Gathering
The core of the work of the financial neutral is to gather relevant information, put it in order and help you educate yourselves on asset/liability and budget formats and issues. The information must be provided voluntarily and completely.
Assets and liabilities are listed in a property statement and cash flow, present and future, will be developed in a series of budget reports. Present and future income and the intricacies of support are discussed. The reports are explained, questions are answered, and further information is added or corrected to get them right. At that point you have a very good idea about your resources and needs for cash flow. You build this information together, both understanding the information, the possibilities and the process. By the time this stage is complete you will be empowered with the knowledge of all aspects of your financial life in the past, present and possibilities for the future.
This information gathering is done efficiently, inexpensively and is empowering in itself. Even if you eventually go on to a different process, you will be prepared and have mutual understanding of the financial facts.
Visioning
You will also be encouraged to create a vision for your future in detail. This will include what you want in your life and what you want the next chapter to look like. In most cases, the life you will envision is simpler and less stressed. It becomes reasonable and has to be. There is no tugging at a position. It’s a creative process from an open mind and heart. What’s really important to you? Once that future vision is in your mind’s eye you begin to see an opening to the light, and that opening gets bigger and bigger. It will include new things and activities. You will have the resources you need through mutual planning assisted by the professionals. The most helpful perspective is to work toward a good future for both of you and your family. You will have the help of a vocational coach, realtors, mortgage lenders and the research done on your own about the possibilities. There is time and support for this. Your energy is put into creating a future rather than resisting or fearing.
When you have made these preparations, there is a synergy that creates that Third Power moving you forward and not looking back. It runs on its own. Positivity does that. Continuing to care about the best interests of all concerned is what will make the process smooth and a better result for your health and heart.
To learn more about Money and Divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
Once a couple has made the decision to part, they have different divorce options available. Which one they choose depends on their own personal situation.
The Do-It-Yourself-Divorce
A do-it-yourself-divorce is also known as the “kitchen table divorce.” The divorcing couple does all the paperwork themselves and files the documents with the court. This may work when a couple has no unresolved issues between them and can easily make their parting decisions together. They should consider having individual attorneys look over the agreement before it is filed with the court to make sure they did not miss any key issues and that they understand their rights and obligations.
Mediation
In Oregon, mediation is when a neutral third party sits down with the couple and helps them negotiate the issues that need to be resolved. The mediator can cannot give legal advice to either party. The mediator can tell the couple what other divorcing couples have done in similar situations, but the couple must ultimately make their own decisions.
When the settlement has been committed to paper, some mediators with a legal background will draft the paperwork. They will suggest that each party have their own attorney review the paperwork before it is filed with the court. If the mediator does not have a legal background, they will refer the couple to a lawyer who can draft the paperwork for them or the parties will draft the documents themselves (see DIY, above). Couples may also hire attorneys to attend mediation sessions with them.
Litigation
Just a frustrated judge….
Litigation is an adversarial process, which also results in more antagonism than other divorce options. Each party hires his or her own attorney and attempts to resolve all issues through back-and-forth negotiations. Sometimes, a mediator is called in to help. If the issues cannot be agreed upon by the parties, the case goes to trial. Then, the parties have no control over the final decisions; instead, the judge will make the decisions for them, and they must abide by all court orders. Because the parties have no control over the outcome, this can result in the parties continuing to fight long after the trial is complete.
Collaborative Divorce
A collaborative divorce is a non-adversarial process. The goal is for the parties to come to mutually agreed resolutions of their issues as amicably as possible. When children are involved, the attorneys assist parents in making a parenting plan that accommodates the needs of both the children and the parents.
Each specially-trained Collaborative Attorney is still an advocate for their client, but the attorney is more like a diplomat, there to help the parties’ sort through the issues and come to solutions that are best for their family. Neutral parties are called in to assist when necessary. For example, a third person with a financial background may assist with asset division. And a mental health coach is often an automatic party to the Collaborative team to assist with challenging emotional roadblocks.
A Collaborative divorce is a method that is the most efficient for most divorcing couples and families. The parties do not need to have everything figured out before entering the process. They can add in any additional professionals as needed. And, they can still have the advocacy of their own attorneys, without feeling the pressure of the courtroom.
For information on divorce options, or to discuss any aspect of your need for assistance for your divorce, contact us at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Myah Kehoe, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Kehoe Moneyhun Law, LLC
319 SW Washington St., Ste. 614
Portland, OR 97204
2005 SE 192nd Ave., Ste. 200
Camas, WA 98607
503-281-0624
What Does That Mean?
Peacemaking means processing differences in a way that results in resolution. It’s not the absence of conflict. It’s an appreciation of conflict as an opportunity to rise to a higher level of function and satisfaction.
Conflict comes up naturally within ourselves and in relationship to others. It’s caused by unexamined habits, unmet needs, differences of opinion, personalities, perspectives, interests and values. It arises because of expectations and things that happen in life we can’t control or understand.
Inner conflict manifests as anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety and other conscious or unconscious emotions. Failure to resolve inner conflict results in ways of being that create discomfort for others and dysfunction in relationships.
The coming together in marriage is a time of peace and confidence. We expect to live happily ever after. But this peace is short-lived and is predictably disturbed by life and living in relationship.
Facing conflict is how we learn and grow. Not processing it properly means ongoing personal and relational dysfunction and pain. Learning and using peacemaking skills to resolve conflict results in ongoing growth, harmony and happiness.
In peacemaking, differences are expressed, heard and integrated into a higher peace. This higher peace is based upon new perspectives that are more inclusive. It transcends the personal to larger goals and deeper satisfaction.
How Is a Peacemaking Process Different?
Problem Solving Approach
Mediation and collaborative processes use a method of negotiation called “interest based” problem solving. It’s not the usual thought of bargaining, outwitting, overpowering, puffing, threatening and even bullying.
Interest based negotiation has these steps:
Getting Help from Other Professionals:
Family issues are emotional, relational and financial as well as legal. Peacemaking processes take all of this into account. We work with families through each of these areas in a targeted and efficient manner, seeking to meet the needs of each situation.
The natural complexity of issues, concerns and experiences for our families is recognized and validated. Coaching is available for each aspect.
Unbundled Services:
Lawyers can now provide what is called “unbundled” services. With informed consent on your part, we can assist where you need help. A high percentage of people choose to go through a court process unrepresented, particularly in family law. This is due to expense and the fear lawyers will unnecessarily polarize and/or complicate matters. That being said there are things a lawyer or other divorce professional can help you with. We can now coach, share information and encourage on an as needed basis.
What Makes Us Different?
Peacemaking being our passion is what makes us different. We have worked together for a long time to build this potential and make this service available. We regularly meet, share and support each other in improving our skills and have for the past 10 years. We believe in peacemaking, in ourselves and in your potential to choose a process that can have enduring positive consequences for your future.
Call one of our professionals to see the difference for yourselves.
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Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
As obvious as they are, the elements of a constructive divorce become obstructed from view by the emotional intensity of the experience. It is all too easy to stop caring about what happens and start justifying destructive behavior. It is easy to get trapped in spiraling hostilities.
To learn more about peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
A divorce coach is a mental health professional – often a psychologist or an LCSW – who assists the client to effectively move through the divorce.
The “divorce coach” is unique to collaborative law.
There is an emotional component of divorce that must be addressed, in addition to the legal component. In fact, the emotional divorce is often more complex than the legal divorce. In traditional litigation, emotions are legally irrelevant i.e., ignored. In a proper collaborative divorce, emotions are fully considered.
The divorce coach does not perform therapy. Rather, the relationship is a short-term intervention aimed at helping a client confront the emotional hurdles involved in divorce. Divorce coaching can involve working on a number of skills needed to navigate the process. A few of these skills include:
THREE REASONS WHY YOU NEED A DIVORCE COACH“A Divorce Coach works for YOU!”
Divorce coaches can help clients address difficult topics too, such as substance abuse issues, infidelity, leaving or having been left and issues related to money.
Because Collaborative Divorce Solutions is client-centered ~ Divorce coaching is client-centered as well. Clients can choose to have a divorce coach or not. One coach can work with both clients or each client can have a coach. Rarely only one client has a divorce coach and the other does not. It is important to realize that the entire family benefits, even if only person is receiving coaching. It is beneficial for the whole family because the issues of one person often effect the entire family and the entire collaborative negotiation.
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1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
Gail’s Website
Email Gail
During times of transition and grief, parents often expect sadness and anxiety as the news of a divorce is shared and daily activities and homelife changes. We practice empathizing and soothing our children, creating structures and plans to help them feel safe and loved during the changes. And, still, despite the well thought out plans, disruptive anger and aggression often present themselves in the picture. Today’s article will describe the developmental purpose of anger, as well as offer some strategies for meeting and managing these feelings together as a family.
At every developmental stage, there is a need to have influence and control of our environment, from cradle to grave. We seek a secure base from which to take multiple risks to grow. Children do not have control in a divorce. They don’t decide to separate. For many, the awareness of this and the uncertainties that lie before them, evoke a forceful resistance to maintain a known experience. There is power in anger, a fierce “no” to protect themselves. Children can feel and touch their influence in a real way, as others respond to them. Anger is a normal response to unexpected change. With that said, it is not a desired state to reside within, but move through toward a balanced acceptance of a new reality.
Following are a few ideas to help manage and work with anger and aggression:
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Our new life, sheltering in place is in full swing. Oregonians have been at it awhile and divorcing couples and families are experiencing a wide range of circumstances, challenges and perks.
Maybe you’re both still working, just one of you or neither of you are working. Uncertainly looms and timelines for resolution are hazy. Who knows what life will be like on the “other side?” In career development counseling we look to our deeper values and interests to guide us through times of change and transition. We reflect on our personal values like health, family, friendship, spirituality, security, and creativity to help us navigate new terrain. Consider how best to prioritize and live them under sometimes radically different circumstances.
Focusing on your values will help you navigate these challenging days while still getting on with your divorce and working from home; which might include filing for unemployment, searching for a job, going to school on-line or getting that side business off the ground!
Many folks feel stuck and they want to move forward. Let’s find some inspiration, as things appear to be on hold. If you really think your divorce can’t proceed check out Dona Cullen’s recent blog on Bridges’ web site, “What Should I Know about Divorce During Covid-19 in Oregon? Some great advice on how we’re using technology and the benefit of doing things collaboratively to settle with minimal court involvement.
So there you are at home with your (soon to be) ex and the sparks are flying. What to do? The movies, bars, gyms, libraries, coffee shops and friend’s houses are off limits. Take a walk? What if it’s raining? Pick up sushi?
Maybe you set a goal to have a peaceful divorce, but here you are in a tiff. Hold on to that commitment and resolve to cool off. Can you rely on doing something that’s worked for you in the past, to bring your tone down a notch? Our verbal tone has a huge impact on the way our communication is received. Try to speak calmly in measured phrases, consciously lower your voice as you back your way out of a squabble.
The old stuff still works; breathe deeply three times, (known to lower blood pressure) count to ten, take a step back and find something else to focus on; a momentary distraction. Look out the window or at the inspirational message on your coffee mug, work on a household project, notice art on the wall, your kid’s pic on the fridge or just get back to work. Do something else! Anything can be an effective distraction if you focus on it for two to three minutes. Ideally you and your spouse find a way to talk reasonably about the issue later, or agree not to talk about it until a third party is present. Bring a sense of closure to the moment; show the kids everything’s alright.
Many people find distancing physically and emotionally a key to regaining composure. Does everyone in the house have access to private space, even on a rotation basis? It’s so nice to have a place to retreat to in the heat of the moment; a back room, attic, basement, porch, or trail.
Exercise is huge for stress reduction and regaining composure. Ideally we’d all be walking once or twice a day. Getting outside can be a safe harbor and a wonderful rejuvenator when cooped up too long inside. Hey, we’re Oregonians; we know how to get to a park or trail.
To bring ourselves back to a centered and calm place, takes practice. Do you have a mindfulness-based practice of some kind? Maybe it’s quietly staring out the window, a bike ride, or just being present with yourself and whatever is going on inside you. Use all the spiritual gear you have; reflection, prayer, meditation, visualization, setting intentions, showing gratitude, singing, yoga… As you are more able to be present with yourself, notice when you need to do something proactively, because tension is beginning to build.
There are ways to work out the quibbling, even if your partner seems unwilling or ill-equipped. Those ways need to be identified though, named, practiced, tested and the successes savored. Healthy self-knowledge and awareness, sensitive, thoughtful communication and enhanced mutual understanding are your tickets to resolving issues more productively.
Another helpful perspective from career transition theory is that “the more things change the more they stay the same.” What’s the same for you? What hasn’t changed, so much? Maybe it’s what you have for breakfast, what you wear, being with family, or lifting weights in the basement. Check in on neighbors, feed the cat or walk your dog. Pay attention to what’s the same; what you still have access to. It can sooth you and promote a sense of continuity during this time of upheaval and overwhelm.
Keep up with little things you used to do before work, it may sound funny but a work shirt with those jeans gives a sense of “I’m working.” Make that bed just like you used to and brush those teeth before you prepare to zoom with the world.
An old college professor of mine once told the story of how he knew when to tread lightly when coming home at the end of the day. His wife would have her apron on backwards. Without having to say a word, she communicated she needed space, could not talk at the moment and he should disappear for awhile and check back later. He claimed to have practiced this with gratifying results.
With a little forethought and discussion, what might be your signals to each other that someone needs a trip to the basement or outside to walk for a while? A wave of the hand? Turning on or off the radio/TV could become doubly meaningful. Isn’t it helpful to humbly and proactively take care of our selves and allow our partner to do the same, under these totally new circumstances?
We can plan on a larger scale and add a little structure to our newfound terrain. Begin to tackle questions like how to grow a business start-up that’ll move you toward independence.
Let’s start with the small stuff, as always. What are things that need a little planning and forethought? Before issues come up because someone feels backed into a corner. Who’s cooking tonight? Who’s doing the dishes? Who’s monitoring the kid’s on-line homework? Might a weekly schedule of responsibilities be helpful? Knowing who’s doing what and when ahead of time, can settle the number of decisions that need to be made daily, reducing stress. Having nearly a week of decisions made ahead of time about shopping, meals, cleaning, laundry, care for kids and their new school arrangements, frees you for home projects, job search and work life—because it’s on the schedule. Get some systems going that respond to the need for social/family bonding and separation for individual pursuits.
Block out times for working or not working, consider what you might want to save for evenings or weekends. It’s a huge plus to have created a routine for shutting down at the end of the day. Share your decision making process with those in your household. Create a way to signal shift changes easily. Give your partner and kids your schedule ahead of time. People need to know when you’re available and when you’re not available. Try posting signs on your office door or designated workspace, “Back with you by noon.” These ideas don’t have to be rigid. They can change at anytime, but having guidelines lowers the energy needed to figure things out day to day. These days are yours to manage now in collaboration with others. See what you can set up to accommodate the needs of yourself and your family throughout the week.
Lastly, through these difficult times, we are also experiencing perks in line with what my clients often say they want; a flexible schedule to work around family, more control over work flow, casual dress codes, little or no commute and few office distractions. Working to the smell of roasting, garlic chicken lets us know dinner is on the way. Now that’s something you don’t get working in the office.
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Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
The American Rescue Plan Act of 2021 was signed into law on March 12, 2021 for the purpose of addressing the financial fall out for so many families from COVID 19. The provisions range from agriculture and nutrition assistance to education and health care, housing and homelessness, business loans, unemployment and tax provisions as well as state, local and tribal financial assistance.
What does it have to say about divorce issues? Probably most directly it involves stimulus payments and tax benefits for supporting children and their care, so adults can go back to work.
Earned Income Credit. The value of this credit increases temporarily in 2021 and the income qualifications have been loosened.As CDFAs we use specialized software which takes into account these changes as they impact negotiations on support and other financial issues relative to divorce and separation. However, this is no substitute for expert tax advice.
As many divorcing couples with children are facing extraordinary economic hardships due to COVID 19, these provisions should provide some short- term economic relief.
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Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
The cost of a divorce varies depending on the style of divorce you choose. From Collaborative Divorce to Mediation to Litigation, or even if you come up with the agreement completely on your own, there will always be documents that must be drafted to complete the divorce. Drafting of the documents is going to take the same amount of time and cost, regardless of what process you choose, with rare exceptions.
Where the processes differ, the most is how you get to the final agreement and how much time it takes to get there. In Litigation, there will be a lot of back and forth between attorneys, gathering documents and statements. You may already know the information and it may feel redundant to you, but you do not have much control over this part of the process. The attorneys are going to pull all the information they want, so that they feel the prepared to best represent you in a courtroom. Their role is also to dig for everything they can use to make your spouse look bad and you look good. You may also have several smaller court appearances (hearings) on the way to the full trial, each of which cost a lot of time and money to prepare for.
In Collaborative Divorce or Mediation, you and your spouse get to be involved in the decision-making in determining what documents are necessary. You also are working together, so you will not waste resources forcing the other one to track down documents. There are no court appearances in this process, which saves a lot of time and money. In these processes, the parties also often get to a point where they can make certain agreements on their own without the help of the attorneys and the professionals involved. This again helps the parties save money.
In Litigation, by contrast, the freedom for the couple to be involved in the decision making is rare. Litigation is set up in a way that leads to more fighting. There is no methodology for you to communicate, which often prevents parties from coming up with an agreement on their own. Any communication is done through the two attorneys only, which results in more legal fees for each person.
How do these issues factor into the costs? In whatever process you choose, you will be looking at roughly $2,000-$3,000 for the paperwork and filing fee.
From there, you can expect the average cost of a Litigated divorce—going all the way through trial—to start around $20,000 to $30,000 per person. That means your household could be spending $60,000 or more that year on the divorce process. Most attorneys will take a much smaller retainer than that (essentially a deposit), but the overall costs will be much higher than that initial retainer. The fees can go up from there depending on how many complex issues are involved, and how many assets, debts, and children issues there are to argue over, as well as the specific attorneys’ hourly rates.
For Collaborative or Mediation, we usually see numbers that are half of the litigation costs or lower (sometimes, much lower). The cost of a Collaborative Divorce or Mediation can vary greatly depending on how many sessions are needed versus what can be handled by the couple on their own without help. The best way to receive a cost estimate is to schedule an initial consultation with a professional. At that meeting, we can get a sense of the potential issues and how much professional support your case will need. In any event, you can generally expect the Collaborative Divorce or Mediation to be much less than a Litigated divorce.
Is it too late? If you have already started the litigation process by one or both of you filing documents with the courthouse, you can have the case dismissed or put on hold so that you can try Collaborative Divorce or Mediation. It is almost never too late to change over to another process if you both want something different.
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Myah Kehoe, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Kehoe Moneyhun Law, LLC
319 SW Washington St., Ste. 614
Portland, OR 97204
2005 SE 192nd Ave., Ste. 200
Camas, WA 98607
503-281-0624
The effects of a divorce on the children involved can be detrimental to their development into healthy adults. A 2019 study published in the journal World Psychology revealed that while most children of divorce go on to lead well-adjusted lives, some may face a variety of problems over the course of their lives due to their experiences in the divorce process. A good co-parenting relationship may help mitigate any negative effects from a divorce on children. One of the benefits of the Collaborative Divorce process is that it helps clients work toward that positive co-parenting relationship which ultimately benefits the children.
Co-parenting is the sharing of parenting responsibilities between the parents who are separating or getting divorced. All families have some framework under which parenting duties are shared and decisions are made, some more functional than others. When splitting up, some couples get caught up in the animosity of the adversarial process and lose site of what is best for the children. Dysfunctional parenting frameworks can become even more so when communication breaks down. Even the best parenting frameworks can become strained by the stress and emotion of a breakup.
Divorce litigation usually will make an already strained relationship worse. The process of preparing for trial—think lawyers digging into financial records and questioning each partner in costly depositions—encourages each side to become more adversarial and further entrenched in a dysfunctional parenting framework. The animosity and resentment engendered can affect the relationship for years after the divorce is final.
To better facilitate a co-parenting relationship, Collaborative Divorce fosters an environment conducive to creating a positive co-parenting relationship. Collaborative Divorce encourages the couple to communicate, problem solve, and compromise rather than battle it out in a zero-sum game, building the foundation for a more effective co-parenting relationship when the case is over.
A good co-parenting relationship benefits parents and children alike. If the parents are able to communicate and trust one another, it makes both of their lives easier. Dealing with unforeseen circumstances, like a change in the time to pick up the kids for a holiday visit, can be achieved easily and without acrimony. It may also mean that they are more willing to share time and responsibilities, giving each parent ample time to build a solid relationship with the kids.
Good communication between parents helps keep children from being placed in the middle of parenting decisions or acting as a go-between for their 
parents. When they know their parents are on the same page, children are discouraged from trying to play them off one another to meet their own agenda.
As the study in World Psychology notes, children are negatively affected by a bitter divorce. Ask your friends or colleagues whose parents are divorced, and they will probably back up the psychologist’ findings with anecdotal evidence of their own. Their stories may differ based on whether their parents divorced with hostility and resentment verses those whose parents worked to treat each other with respect and dignity, communicate better, and rebuild some level of trust. When a child’s needs are truly prioritized by both parents during divorce, they have a much better chance of growing into health, happy adults.
To learn more, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Joanna “Jo” Posey, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Posey Legal, PC
3115 NE Sandy Blvd., Ste 222
Portland, OR 97232
503-241-0818
Intel is one of Oregon’s largest employers and has several different retirement benefits for their employees. Here is a list of the different plans that may exist (depending on hire date and position within the company):
Other benefits Intel employees may have that fall outside of retirement, but are investment assets relevant in a divorce proceeding include Unvested Restricted Stock Units (RSUs), Vested RSUs, and stock purchased through Employee Stock Participation Plan (ESPP) twice a year. It’s very important to review the detailed vesting schedule to determine the value of unvested shares vs. vested shares as well as what may be held in ESPP shares through E-trade account. This is a complex area of the law and important to consult with a family law attorney, mediator with experience in this area, and/or a CPA or CDFA ( Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to better understand the various options for valuing and dividing both unvested and vested shares. Another component that can be tricky to evaluate is what income should be attributed to the Intel employee for the stock benefits. We often work through these issues in mediation and collaborative divorce method to help each family arrive at a solution that feels fair and equitable to both parties.
Some Intel employees have Health Savings Accounts and it’s possible to transfer or divide this account if needed or offset it with another asset. SERMA retirement health savings accounts also exist for some employees hired pre-2014.
A lot of families choose to offset retirement with other assets such as a house or business. It is important to look at the differences in whether an asset is tax deferred (non-Roth retirement accounts) versus another asset such as cash in a savings account. In mediations and collaborative family law cases, we often go through different scenarios to show the estimated future tax impact on various settlement options to find one that best fits each parties’ long-term goals and to avoid surprises in the tax area.
I highly recommend consulting with an attorney, CPA, or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) with experience in Intel cases to ensure an efficient, fair, and smooth separation or divorce. There are many pitfalls to avoid, information easily missed inadvertently, and it’s costly and stressful to re-open a divorce case after the fact if something wasn’t done properly.
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Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
See www.YourPeacefulResolution.com for more information and additional resources.
Here are some tips for information gathering and decision making to get started in the area of retirement benefits in an Oregon divorce. It is very important to consult with a family law or financial professional in your area, and this article is meant to raise questions to better understand what to ask. It is not meant as a comprehensive or complete list as companies and plans change constantly. It’s also an extremely complex area of law, so it’s wise to use caution and obtain information from trusted sources in person before making decisions or signing agreements.
Traditional Pension Plan: Have you or your spouse ever worked for a government entity or been a member of a union? Even short periods of time are important due to the way pensions may accrue value, and often pay out over a lifetime, not to mention after death to a former spouse in some cases.
Have you seen a statement that mentions future monthly benefits or the word “pension”? These brief statements can be misleading and vague, and sometimes must be requested from the Plan and not routinely mailed out. The statement dollar figures are NOT representative of value for separation or divorce purposes. The actual value is typically much higher than what is stated, and PERS is a good example. It’s extremely important to understand.
To answer these starting questions, it’s strongly recommended to have a licensed actuary or pension attorney complete a present value actuarial analysis. This needs to be coordinated through your mediator, CDFA (certified divorce financial planner) or divorce attorney. I often co-mediate or collaborate with a neutral pension expert to help clients value pensions and answer questions for families. These tools help clients decide what makes the most sense to accomplish mutual family goals and to maximize benefits for long term planning. Often, there is a mutually beneficial method of dividing or offsetting a pension that meets both parties’ needs.
Or, once a valuation is done, perhaps the participant decides to retain a pension to keep it intact for future source of income, and instead offset it with another asset. There are tax implications and other factors to consider, so it’s important to evaluate the pros and cons of each alternative along with any risks. We also have software tools such as Family Law Software used in mediation and collaborative cases that can help analyze cash flow and asset allocation to help families make the best decisions. If done thoughtfully in the mediation or collaborative context, the process can be affordable and be done out of the litigation or court setting very quickly. In mediation and collaborative method, we also use a neutral professional to avoid the “battle of the experts” that litigation attorneys often end up with in court costing both parties far too much money, stress, and time.
Some divorcing couples oversimplify or completely overlook the pension piece, and I have seen PERS pensions worth almost $1 million be inadvertently waived by a party for various reasons. It can be fear of conflict, fear of cost to value or divide, fear of complexity, or just naivety on what a pension consists of. Most pensions (qualified under ERISA) are divisible by stipulated court order due to the separation or divorce in a very simple process called QDRO or COAP depending on the plan.
Your divorce mediator or attorney can help coordinate this piece for your family, so it goes smoothly and affordably. For example, a complete valuation of a pension is typically $400 flat fee. Cost to divide a pension is typically $600, and these fees are often shared by both parties equally.
Lastly, I have seen many instances over years of practicing where a person divorced years ago but did not follow through with the proper court paperwork to complete a pension division and they are completely unaware! This is another caution to work with an experienced family law specialist, whether it be an attorney mediator, collaborative attorney, or specially trained CDFA. Many areas of family law are designed for self-represented parties to navigate fairly easily through the court paperwork, but this is NOT one of them. Military and federal pensions have their own complexities and related benefits that are important to get specialized advice about.
To learn more about how to divide pension plans the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
Television shows and movies often depict divorces as being highly contentious. Each party does his or her best to make the other one pay, both financially and emotionally. In real life, it does not have to be that way. Many couples are now doing their best to divorce with their own dignity intact and with respect for their ex-spouse. They work together so they can effectively co-parent in the future and perhaps have lasting relationships with both sides of the family.
Considerations for Divorce with Dignity and Respect
One of the most important things each party needs to be aware of is the need to be transparent. Avoid surprises. Neither party should make any unilateral decisions about any aspect of the divorce, for example about finances, childcare, or any matter. Instead, have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your needs related to those issues. Invite your spouse to share their own thoughts about those issues as well. Once you each understand one another’s goals around an issue, you can brainstorm solutions together.
Even if both parties agree a divorce is in their best interest, ending a relationship involves feelings of loss and a grieving process. In my experience, it is rare for both parties to go through the grieving process at the same pace. For example, the spouse starting the divorce may have already completed the grieving process, while the other spouse is just beginning to go through it. Both spouses need to keep in mind that it is difficult to be fully present and respectful when going through the grieving process.
When this happens, my advice is to slow down. Respect one another’s pace. Imagine yourself five years down the road, looking back on your divorce and how you want to feel about the process. Think about how you would like your children to tell their friends about their experience of their parents’ divorce. This exercise can help you stay focused on achieving a positive outcome and inform your decisions along the way.
How a Collaborative Divorce Assists Couples to Divorce with Dignity and Respect.
At the beginning of a Collaborative Divorce, the couple commits to first avoiding contentious litigation and to treat each other with respect. The parties work together to build their Collaborative team, who will help them stay on track. In addition to each spouse having their own Collaboratively trained attorney, there are neutral professionals that can also help with this, such as divorce coaches, child specialists, financial specialists, and mental health professionals.
At Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions, we are a group of independent family professionals who are all separately licensed or certified in various professions. We are lawyers, divorce coaches, and mental health specialists. Our group also includes child specialists and certified divorce financial advisers [CDFA]. We are all dedicated to helping you divorce with dignity and respect.
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Joanna “Jo” Posey, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Posey Legal, PC
3115 NE Sandy Blvd., Ste 222
Portland, OR 97232
503-241-0818
COVID-19 is guiding us to see inefficiencies and find new ways to help ourselves and others. We hear a lot about energy efficiency in cars and conserving fuel usage. But we don’t think as much about energy as our life force and conserving it for times like this when we need it to survive, thrive and evolve.
COVID-19 causes us to share experiences of pain that test our resilience and make us more compassionate. Responding to that pain in ourselves and others takes efficient use of our life energy.
Collaboration is a concept of importance as we move through this phase of growth to make what we do for work effective and efficient. Changes in the law have been slow but Collaborative practice is cutting edge. With COVID-19, adaptation to current needs has been swift. What was started a few decades ago as a new way to practice law and settle cases is accelerating right now. We at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions are building on a process that is already well established in our collaborative practice group. We have been together learning, developing and sharing with the broader legal community for over 10 years.
What development has COVID-19 accelerated in collaborative divorce settlement – whether it be collaborative process, mediation or consultation and coaching?
Zoom Meetings make communication efficient, focused, personalized and more frequent. It’s surprising the difference it makes meeting with your lawyer, coach or financial neutral in your home or office without having to take the time and experience the stress of traveling to an office to do the same thing. Going to an office, sitting in a waiting room and around a conference table is impersonal and adds to an already stressful situation. It saps your time and energy. Meetings can be more spontaneous, frequent, timely and efficient.
Software makes the “back office” of settlement practice more efficient in time and cost. These benefits are passed on to the consumer. One of our members, Forrest Collins, has developed a program that helps lawyers draft pleadings more efficiently and thoroughly. Please visit MyPleadings.com
Practice Management Systems provide organization, clarity and security to the tasks of client service.
Cloud based communication products that coordinate email with document and exhibit preparation and storage make a paperless process that can be fully accomplished with only a laptop and access to Wi-Fi.
Electronic signatures and electronic court filings make trips to law offices or the courthouse unnecessary.
Professional organizations of collaborative professionals are working constantly to help each other develop improvements and skills to bring peacemaking to the law. They include our local practice group of Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions Bridgesdivorce.com; the statewide group of Oregon Association of Collaborative Professionals collaborativepracticeoregon.org; and the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals www.collaborativepractice.com
Resilience, difficult conversations, collaborative career coaching, the cross-generational effect of adverse childhood experiences, visioning for your financial future. These are all things we train in and you will see discussed in our blogs click on this link bridgesdivorce.com/blog These are life changing, evolutionary ideas, methods and cutting edge approaches to helping families through conflict. We are constantly training.
It’s all about collaborating with others. Teamwork reduces stress, improves resilience and results in constant improvement.
That’s “Divorce Evolved” and WE MEAN IT.
Check out our professionals and give us a call to find out more
Please visit us at the link below
bridgesdivorce.com/professionals
GROWING STRONGER TOGETHER
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Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
Short answer is, yes. 100% of a mediated, collaborative, or uncontested “kitchen table” divorce can be done remotely through phone, email, and video conferencing. Our office has been utilizing Zoom video conference as a resource for almost a decade for families where one or both participants are in a remote location (Costa Rica jungle coffee shop divorce for example!). Several years ago, I participated (along with several other BridgesDivorce.com practitioners) in an intensive six week training held by a company called Wevorce where the platform was designed to have multiple neutral professionals (financial, legal, and mental health/ parenting) working with the families remotely via video conference throughout the entire case. Through these trainings and subsequent successful virtual co-mediations, we’ve been able to help families who could not participate in person. Virtual co-mediation or collaboration will be especially helpful with our current social distancing requirements.
Fortunately, the court is still “open” for processing and approving legal documents including divorce and family related. This is all done through electronic filing straight to a judge’s computer for signing after initial clerk’s approval. Document signings by clients, court filing, and parenting classes can also be done remotely, but it will likely be difficult for families to navigate the technical hurdles and obtain court approval without help of a mediator or collaborative attorney. For remote signings by clients, it is helpful to have a printer and scanner, or we can use regular USPS mail if needed.
Families in higher conflict situations, however, needing the court’s assistance with hearings, temporary orders, or trial, will unfortunately face delays or logistical challenges until the courts are able to be functional remotely. As of this writing, the courts are closed for all but emergency or restraining order hearings. In the near future for litigation, all participants (attorneys, experts, judges, clients) will likely need to appear by video or phone conference until it’s deemed safe to physically appear in court for a hearing or trial. There are many questions remaining on evidence procedure, exhibits, testimony, and custody evaluations (in person contact usually required). My recommendation for higher conflict families is for clients to obtain legal advice and encourage your attorney to utilize virtual “attorney assisted” mediation or arbitration if needed. There are built in features to web conferencing software for “private meeting rooms” for attorney and client during a collaborative session so it can be productive and still have capability for caucusing or 1:1 discussion during mediation.
The only requirements are for each participant to have a smart phone OR computer with internet service and audio (built in speaker or external speakers) and web cam. Most newer computers have built in web cams, or use your smart phone if your computer is not equipped with a web cam. A quiet, private space is also helpful whether it’s a room in your home or vehicle safely parked. Having a pen and paper nearby is also helpful to take notes, but not required as meetings can be recorded for later playback.
This is a very tough question and deserves much thought and consideration for each family and the multitude of potential impacts on moving forward versus maintaining the family “status quo.” Sometimes, prolonging separation can be even more difficult for families if there isn’t a roadmap or plan in place to move forward toward goals, disentanglement, and healing. However, it’s even more important in these uncertain times that all are mindful of health and safety for the whole family. I recommend families consider talking to a marriage counselor, parenting coach, trusted pastor, or therapist to help navigate the difficult emotional dynamics as well as timing and logistics of any possible changes or decisions impacting the family unit. It can also be helpful to talk through the potential legal topics with a mediator or collaborative attorney in a “planning session” for peace of mind as well as helping to get organized for future decision making.
One option during this stressful, difficult time is to come up with temporary agreements and a family plan to address each person’s needs with ability to modify as changes take place. We can help prepare mediated settlement agreements to track agreements and add accountability if this is a concern. A mediated settlement agreement is a private contract between parties and not filed with the court, except for enforcement or issue of attorney fees if litigation is necessary. We can also “pause” the process at any point and track progress with partial mediated settlement agreements.
One substantial impact of COVID-19 is the recent stock market volatility, and many clients are concerned with proceeding with a divorce with division of retirement or investment assets. One clarification to ease concerns is that divorce related retirement divisions and transfers (if done properly – please consult an attorney) do not liquidate or sell underlying investments or stock. Instead, an agreed upon percentage (50% for example) of the account is separated into the other spouse’s account via Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) or IRA transfer after divorce judgment is signed by the court. Often this segregated portion is rolled into a new or existing IRA, or there are exceptions allowing penalty free withdrawal under certain circumstances. This is a complex area with tax ramifications and requiring specific legal documents, please use caution and consult a divorce professional to learn more about options. There are ways to have early cash disbursements without penalty after divorce, and it’s likely more of these distributions will be needed as COVID-19’s financial impacts worsen for some families.
Answers to this question vary by county and information is changing daily. Washington County, for example, has canceled their April classes, but is reaching out to currently enrolled families for possible in person May classes. Some counties already offer an online option post-Covid-19, such as Multnomah County, and we may be able to obtain approval on a case by case basis from judges based on individual circumstances for online parenting classes to satisfy court requirements.
In Oregon, most spousal support orders are modifiable by statute unless specifically stated in your judgment as “non-modifiable.” Child support is also modifiable if it’s a current order (not past due arrears). It is imperative to seek legal advice if you believe substantial changes have occurred such as a job loss, health status change, income change, parenting plan change, childcare cost change, health insurance availability, etc. As orders cannot be changed retroactively (unless mutually agreed in writing and signed by the court), it’s crucial that anyone impacted by a change requests modification as soon as information is received. Most courts require an attempt at mediation first before having a court hearing, and sometimes this provision is built into a divorce judgment requiring mediation. It is also important to preserve your rights on timing of the changed support obligation in the event mediation is not successful, so please consult an attorney for legal advice as soon as feasible.
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Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
As a Mediator and Collaborative attorney, I only work with clients who want to avoid court and resolve their issues themselves, on a mutually fair basis. This gives me a window from which to see and hear many interesting, touching stories of couples who are determined to be their best selves, while at the same time struggling with broken hearts, stretched finances and the many practical challenges of separating. Divorcing parents have the added task of managing their kids’ emotional adjustment to the family’s restructuring.
Here’s one impressive example I’d like to share:
In a Collaborative Divorce, each spouse has an attorney but agrees that neither lawyer will under any circumstances take the matter to court; if the process breaks down (which is rare), the attorneys are disqualified, and new litigation counsel must be retained. The Collaborative process looks and feels much like a co-mediated case, with the clients and both lawyers working together in group meetings as a “settlement team” to find the best possible win-win-win solutions for the family.
A while back, I was representing a wife in a Collaborative case with a very close colleague representing the husband. Before we began, each spouse had developed some very beautiful goals to guide their work together. One of wife’s goals was that there would be no “sides” in the case, since she felt that everyone should be on the same side – that of caring for the whole family (especially their kids).
Our first meeting was at the other lawyer’s office, which has a rectangular table. Husband was already seated on one side when we arrived. I sat across the table from him and wife sat down next to me. After settling in, she then looked up, and realized that she was now on one side of the table, while husband was on the other. Without a word, she got up and moved across so that she could sit next to husband before we began our work. From that point on, the couple sat together for all of our team meetings. Wife had literally walked the walk to stick to her important family goal of avoiding taking sides.
This couple promised each other that they and their kids would always remain a family, now and in the years to come, despite their choice to divorce. That commitment required that, in addition to resolving their finances, these partners had to keep in mind this important relational piece of their work together. This sweet couple continued to hug, fist-bump, and occasionally bicker as they successfully worked through the issues of their separation and divorce in a series of team meetings. At the end, they laughed and cried in appreciation at what they’d accomplished together.
They taught me something very important: In a family-centered divorce, there really, truly is only one side. I’ll continue to share their important insight with all those I have the honor of helping divorce peacefully.
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Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
Co-parenting after a breakup is difficult to begin with. For many families, the holidays are an emotionally charged time and add another layer of stress. On top of that, this year parents are still dealing with COVID-19, including concerns of minimizing exposure across households and navigating periods of quarantine. On top of all this, many parents find themselves faced with the new challenge of educating their children while also working from home. All of these stressors can create a powder keg of emotions for parents. At Posey Legal, P.C., we have some tips parents might find helpful.
Before you get into the throes of the holiday season, make sure you know what your current holiday plan is. If you have a written parenting agreement, dust it off and read it with fresh eyes, making sure the agreements you made when your plan was drafted still make sense in light of all the unforeseen changes that have come our way in the past year. Ask your co-parent if they are still on board with the plan as written. If you feel it needs to be changed or adjusted but your co-parent disagrees with you, seek the help of a mediator or family law practitioner early on while there is still time to adjust the plan so that it works for your family’s unique circumstances. In either case, be sure that you and your co-parent have the same understanding around the holiday parenting plan well in advance of the day of your planned trip to spend time with your family.
If you went through the Collaborative Divorce process, you learned some communication skills to use now. Listen to what your co-parent says to be sure you understand exactly what they mean. You may need to repeat back what they tell you to be sure you really understand what they are saying.
An example is to listen to what your ex-spouse has to say. Then, say, “Is this what you mean?” If the answer is, “No,” repeat the exercise until you understand for certain what the other parent means. You do not have to agree with what your they are saying but letting them know that you hear them and understand what they are trying to communicate builds a stronger foundation for making parenting decisions together.
One big topic that may come up is about travel and being with groups during this holiday time with COVID-19 looming over everyone’s holiday plans. How is travel going to be handled? How do both parents feel about visitation with the other parent’s extended family visits? These are hotbed issues that need to be resolved ahead of time.
Put yourself in your children’s shoes. Think about what they are going through and how they feel about traveling back and forth during the holidays. You want to encourage them to have a relationship with the other parent and with that parent’s extended family. Pick your battles and focus on everybody having a good time. Try to be flexible and understanding. Your kids will be much happier if you can avoid nitpicking and having a tug-of-war with their other parent over time spent with them.
To learn more, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
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Joanna “Jo” Posey, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Posey Legal, PC
3115 NE Sandy Blvd., Ste 222
Portland, OR 97232
503-241-0818
Collaborative divorce and vocational coaching is often a positive and transformative experience for divorcing women and men, usually an overwhelmed and vulnerable group. Men and women who are angry at being left behind after sacrificing their futures, career wise and financially, are inspired by connecting with a sense of purpose that also pays the bills. Partners who felt isolated and demeaned during their marriage begin to feel less depressed, hopeless and start taking positive action.
The stay-at-home spouse, who threw time management out the window to be available to her higher earning mate and the family, sees a reason to prioritize her time and get organized.
Assessing ones’ deeper interests and values in career counseling fashion, brings clarity to what matter’s most. Considering career options that are a match for your findings and that allow you to build a life and community in relationship to those interests can change everything.
When a particular career life option starts to make sense to my client; they are coached to research what it takes to succeed in those fields, to consider potential salary and benefits, along with the required education and training.
Self-esteem grows as my clients play out their deeper values and interests; it feels good to know and remember what’s truly important, then plan and act accordingly. When they find others who share what matters most to them, they develop confidence that things may turn out all right after all. Connecting with a community that allows you to develop and apply your preferred skills, qualities and talents towards a sustainable future can feel like a miracle, in the midst of a devastating time.
The positive impact of finding a paid and purposeful career direction for the stay at home spouse ultimately benefits every family member. Lowers the blood pressure and financial risk for the earning spouse long term, increases stability and security for all and provides positive role modeling for kids — Inspiration to find a job and educational path that is both personally meaningful and bankable.
Raising a family for 15, 20 to 30 years, carrying and executing the mental load of the stay at home parent is skill building. These abilities can transfer nicely to the business world, but divorcing and getting back into the workplace is a huge call. It involves understanding and learning to manage the overwhelm baked into the process. There are a lot of pieces to put together. You’ll gradually move back into the driver’s seat you used to know, though it’ll feel different, for sure.
Let’s try managing the overwhelm around going back to work while divorcing, the way your hairdresser approaches your hair cut, by creating sections. Take time to consider each item separately and how they overlap. Create a plan for how you’ll address your needs in each area and develop a sense of readiness to develop and consider career options.
It can be hard to think clearly about work choices, if your ideas and values were put down by your soon to be ex-. Do you doubt being successful at work because criticism and undermining during the marriage took a toll? Not that it was constant and maybe it wasn’t there in the beginning. It’s been enough, though, to leave you struggling to trust yourself to make the complex decisions you find yourself walking towards today.
To get started, volunteer and get your confidence back. Many of my clients feel 
surprisingly strengthened by their interactions in the world outside their homes; in entry-level jobs, community and volunteer activities. Sharing key values and interests is eye opening and gives rise to hope that a good future can be made, if one just has the chance. Determination creeps in as the network grows. Persistence overcomes obstacles as the way forward comes together with a plan. Developing organization and structure that supports you and your goals brings added assurance.
There you are, now talking to an advisor at PCC about the requirements to obtain a certificate or associates degree, or at PSU to obtain a bachelors. Or perhaps typing up a resume for an opening in the organization you’ve been volunteering for. The overwhelm is still there at times, but so is the delight and excitement about the road ahead.
~~~
Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
Fear in a divorce is to be expected. If the divorce process does not allow the couple to address those fears, it can cause the divorce to spiral out of control. Here are some common divorce fears:
Dealing with a Client’s Fears
In the Collaborative Divorce process, we start with a conversation that determines what each side is the most worried about. Then we can balance those fears to make everyone–both spouses, their children, friends, extended family—feel they will be secure after the divorce is finalized. Sometimes you have to sell the house, but you try to find a way to get a new house that will keep the children in the same school district and keep the major stability pieces intact. And sometimes by selling the family home, you can open up new opportunities for the parents to find houses next to one another, or closer to other friends or extended family that could be really helpful for the kids in this transition.
The Collaborative Divorce process enables that conversation in a way that the traditional divorce process does not. In a traditional divorce, there Is no opportunity for a conversation with the other spouse. I cannot ask the other side what drives them or what their fears are. I am unable to structure a settlement in traditional divorce offer that would help with what each side to address the fears. I have to guess rather than being able to figure out what it is that they both would really want. Traditional divorce cases often go longer and can be much more expensive than Collaborative Divorces, because so many different techniques must be implemented to identify what is really driving the case rather than just being able to ask directly.
We also have a much easier time working cooperatively with outside experts. For example, if one party needs spousal support, we can work together with the mortgage broker to find out how much they will need and how long support will need to go on for in order to be able to get a mortgage on their own.
Once we have identified people’s fears, Collaborative Divorce is also great at addressing those fears creatively. In a Collaborative Divorce there is often a unified decision made between the parties. That decision can be similar to what would happen in the courtroom except with more creativity and flexibility based on the needs of each spouse and their children. In a traditional divorce, for example, if the parties cannot agree on who should live in the home, a judge might decide the parties should just sell the house. The fears or motivations of the couple are never addressed with such a decision from the Court. In fact, many people are told not to share their opinions and, instead, only to share the facts. In the Collaborative Divorce process, we can agree that one person will stay in the house for a few years until the kids graduate from high school and then they will split the proceeds, or they can agree that one will stay in the house for two years and then switch. It just allows us the freedom to arrive at solutions that a judge just does not have the ability to order without the parties cooperating.
~~~
Myah Kehoe, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Kehoe Moneyhun Law, LLC
319 SW Washington St., Ste. 614
Portland, OR 97204
2005 SE 192nd Ave., Ste. 200
Camas, WA 98607
503-281-0624
In Washington County, trials that were supposed to take place in March have been delayed to July and are expected to be rescheduled again. In Multnomah County, the courthouse has just started allowing trial “assignment” to take place, but the judges have prepared attorneys that those trials will not be happening until January or later.
At just about any courthouse in Oregon or SW Washington, you or a loved one needs to be in immediate physical danger to see a judge. This is because the courthouses are so restricted in what they are able to handle right now with limited staffing and resources thanks to COVID-19. Thus, priority has to go to the extreme emergency issues only.
Yet, some couples are still finding a way to divorce and separate without waiting for a court date. This is because they are settling their cases out of court. If you are able to come to an agreement with your spouse, the paperwork can be filed (electronically), and the judges are still able to sign them, usually in as little as a month.
Settling all of your issues may feel impossible or improbable to some people. They may think this sort of process works if people already have resolved everything on their own; however, Collaborative Law and mediation are not for those who have already figured it out (although we can help them, too). Collaborative processes are for those who need help coming to an agreement. All you need is to have some empathy for one another, and we can help with the rest.
At Bridges, our team of professionals have trained, and continue to train, to be able to help couples resolve their cases through settlement. People do not come in with full agreements, or—quite frankly—they would not need us. Rather, our job is to help people realize their common ground, find creative solutions, and support the parties in reaching agreements that recognize the need for people to move on, while still maintaining a relationship in the future. If this sounds like you, please call one of us today.
~~~
Myah Kehoe, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Kehoe Moneyhun Law, LLC
319 SW Washington St., Ste. 614
Portland, OR 97204
2005 SE 192nd Ave., Ste. 200
Camas, WA 98607
503-281-0624
Here’s my final critique of this movie: a basic lack of common sense exhibited by the various participants.
Fortunately, my experience as a mediator and Collaborative attorney is that divorcing couples in real life are rarely so oblivious. The overwhelming majority with kids accept the shared responsibility to put children first as we re-structure our family.
As with most of us who divorce, Charlie and Nicole are trying to survive one ofthe greatest challenges of their lives. In one scene, Nicole angrily tells her mother (who obviously still cares for her son-in-law) “You can’t love him anymore!” In another, Charlie melts down and screams that he wishes Nicole were dead. These poor folks are clearly in an emotional and spiritual crisis.
So…. why did they apparently never consult their own therapists or a child specialist? Did it never occur to either of them, or any of their family or friends, that they should such basic help?
In Marriage Story, we see lots of potential building blocks that could have helped this couple but were ignored. They showed a lot of care for each other: Nicole helped Charlie choose a sandwich during a tense attorney meeting; Charlie rushed to her home during a power outage and Nicole ended up cutting his hair; Nicole, after agreeing to flex the parenting schedule to provide more “dad time”, tenderly tied Charlie’s shoe while he cradled a sleeping Henry. At the end of the movie, Charlie reads Nicole’s appreciations of him aloud to Henry, reinforcing that this boy is free to love both of his parents fully. After the lawyers move on to their next case, this family has a long and promising future together.
The philosopher Theodor W. Adorno wrote:
“Divorce, even between good-natured, amiable, educated people,
is apt to stir up a dust-cloud that covers and discolors all it touches.”
What if these nice people had that dynamic normalized for them and were offered the skilled guidance they needed to see through the inevitable emotional haze of their breakup? What if peaceful divorce professionals had committed to helping Charlie and Nicole recognize their strengths instead of their weaknesses? What if they had been reminded of the decades, they had ahead of them as a re-structured family?
What’s most frustrating to me about Marriage Story is that it ignores all that we’ve learned in the last 40 years about helping divorcing families. It unnecessarily scares couples into thinking that, should they be among the almost 50% of us who divorce, they will be inevitably sucked into a vortex of recrimination, expense and pain. And, as I’ve had to reassure frightened clients over the few months since the movie’s release, that’s simply untrue. Peaceful divorce is not only possible, it’s becoming the norm in our society through mediation and Collaborative Law. I just wish this film had offered that good news instead of the unrealistic horror story it portrayed.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
In my first installment, I gave a synopsis of the film and noted the bad, and even unethical lawyering that was shown. Now, I’ll describe more ways the movie failed to show the peaceful processes that are currently being used by a majority of divorcing couples.
Collaborative Law vs. the Adversarial Legal System.
As kindly attorney Bert explains to his confused client Charlie, “We have to prepare to go to court so we don’t have to go to court.” This is akin to the idea of preparing for war to avoid war. Yet, that is the essence of traditional legal practice: in nearly 100% of cases, advocates prepare for a trial (at great emotional and financial costs to their clients) when less than 10% will actually end up before a Judge.
The crucial game-changer in the Collaborative process is that both lawyers commit that neither will ever appear in court. This frees the attorneys to focus all their efforts, skills and experience on achieving win-win, family-centered solutions. As a foundation for this work, the parties list their goals from the process. When kids are involved, the reality is that the divorcing adults will necessarily have an ongoing relationship as co-parents, probably for the rest of their lives. Peaceful divorce professionals recognize the need to assist our clients in managing their current pain so they may maintain the bridges that will continue to connect them with their children, and all family members with their soon-to-be former in laws. Our job is to help folks navigate the rough waters of their break-up, to a better future on the other side.
Mediation in Real Life.
Marriage Story provided only a very limited, unflattering look at mediation. We never learn how Nicole and Charlie chose the process and only one very brief session is shown. The mediator was presented as a sort of hippie-ish stereotype. While I loved his homework for these parents to write appreciations of each other, he completely fails to effectively tap that rich resource of good will. Several times, the mediator pushes Nicole to read her comments about Charlie (which we know from the opening voice-overs to be very sweet). Yet it is absolutely clear that she is simply not ready to do so right then. What a terrible box this unskilled mediator puts her in: ready or not, be vulnerable enough to list all the wonderful things about the husband and co-parent whom you have decided to divorce.
It was both disrespectful and ineffective for the mediator to pressure Nicole in this way. Why not table the appreciations and just ask both to keep in mind the many wonderful things they like about the other during the ongoing work of re-structuring their family? Maybe they could have emailed their comments to each other to be read and absorbed in a safer, more private way. Instead, this treasure trove of mutual love and respect was wasted when it could have helped transform the experience of their divorce.
Well-trained mediators accept and support their client wherever they happen to find them. Generally, over time, as the pain and stress levels decrease, things often soften between partners. In Marriage Story, the mediator’s failure of empathy essentially ends that peaceful process and sends the family to the battlefield of litigation. I’m frustrated at the film’s failure to offer a more realistic and hopeful portrayal of mediation which in 2020 is the most common method that couples are choosing to divorce.
Stay tuned for the final installment of my review of Marriage Story: Nicole and Charlie’s many missed opportunities for an easier family transition.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
Marriage Story is an excellent film with a tremendous cast, including Scarlett Johansen (Nicole), Adam Driver (Charlie), Laura Dern (attorney Nora Fanshaw), Ray Liotta (attorney Jay Morotta) and Alan Alda (attorney Bert Spitz). Now, I want to explain why I absolutely H-A-T-E-D this movie’s presentation of what divorce looks like in 2020.
First, a brief synopsis: Nicole and Charlie are married with a young son, Henry (maybe about nine years old). The movie opens with their voice overs offering very sweet appreciations about why they love and respect each other as partners and parents. Only later do we realize that this was an assignment from their divorce mediator. They initially promise each other to avoid lawyers, but their attempt at mediation quickly collapses. Nicole hires shark lawyer Nora. After briefly consulting older, amiable Bert, Charlie is served with papers and eventually retains his own alpha-attorney, Jay. These litigators enthusiastically lead this caring couple into a street fight of mutual recrimination – at great cost to their dignity, mental health, finances and, of course, their ability to co-parent effectively while at war with each other. In three installments, I’m going to describe why I think Marriage Story showed a terrible model of divorce to the almost 50% of us who will someday go through that transition.
PART 1: THE LAWYERS
Kindly Bert explains that “criminal lawyers see bad people at their best; divorce lawyers see good people at their worst.” Even if that’s a oversimplification, it raises a crucial question: what should the roles of family law attorneys be? This question is especially important when the clients clearly care for and respect each other and have many years of co-parenting ahead of them. My answer: family law attorneys’ contributions should be the exact opposite of what these cinema litigators offered.
Rather than ameliorating the pain of their clients, the lawyers (especially Nora) offers a theme of mutual outrage, pouring salt into the wounds of each, until they are in an escalating legal war that neither wants nor can possibly benefit from. Both attorneys re-frame their clients’ life together into a barely recognizable litigation story that seeks to exploit each partner’s human foibles. Nowhere in these dueling narratives is there any appreciation that these folks had many years of shared love, a home and a beautiful son. Nora in particular remakes Nicole’s legitimate frustrations from the marriage into a larger morality tale of victimization. As Nicole describes her experience, it seems that her dreams and ambitions may well have been neglected by Charlie in the pursuit of his own career, leading to the end of their marriage. But, instead of referring Nicole to a therapist to process her hurt, Nora weaponizes it for a possible courtroom victory.
At times, both spouses seem bewildered to hear the story their respective lawyers tell about their partner and the marriage they shared. After a tough court session, Nicole asks Charlie why he switched to a more aggressive attorney. His reply: “I needed to get my own a**hole.” What if neither had chosen such an advocate?
Perhaps the most galling example of bad, even unethical, lawyering is when Nora proudly explains the details of the final settlement to Nicole, which includes a schedule that gives her the majority of parenting time. Nicole asserts that she had only asked for a 50-50 plan, but Nora smiles and says, “I just didn’t want him to win!” This lawyer who will likely never meet little Henry has decided that he should be a notch in her belt, regardless of her client’s wishes.
These cinematic lawyers never seem to ask what is right about the other parent, only what is wrong. In one scene, Nicole coerces her sister into serving divorce papers on Charlie at a family gathering; yet a few hours later, they are able to lie down together to read to their son. How would this family’s experience have been different if the lawyers had built from their many positives (as we do in Collaborative Divorce)? In real life, there’s a truism that peaceful divorce practitioners follow in domestic disputes, “All family members will win or lose together.” It was maddening to watch my profession portrayed doing what it did to all three of these family members.
In my next BLOG installment, I’ll cover the film’s portrayal of an adversarial legal system and how it missed the mark on the true value of divorce mediation.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
Staying sane during this time of COVID-19 has become a challenge for many people.
The stay-at-home order first put in place last April was particularly difficult for some of my clients who were working on their divorce, but still living in the same home. Almost suddenly, they were trapped 24/7 with each other and their children. Conflict was high and everyone in the family was suffering.
For some couples, staying sane requires pursuing their divorce. That is still an option at Bridges Divorce group. Meanwhile, I have come up with some suggestions designed to help families through this difficult time.
Establish Routine and Structure to Your Daily Family Life
Creating a structure is helpful for both children and adults. Some things to consider are:
Day care options are almost non-existent. There are only a few summer camps. Make a list of things the children can do. Put it on the kitchen wall so all can see it.
You may need to have an art station and a place for the kids to interact online with their friends. Maybe the kids can get together with friends in a backyard. Get them headphones so they can listen to stories.
Check out the many creative ways parents are working together to create safe pods or home schooling allowing kids to have social interaction and/or to learn together.
Take Care of Yourself
Find a place in the home that is just for you. Even if it is just a small corner, make it a place where you can do your work without being disturbed. Set a time for this and agree with your spouse that she or her will be responsible for the children during this specific time.
Spend less time watching the news. Find positive things. For example, watch a podcast. Download a free meditation app. Spend happy hour with your friends via Zoom. Take walks with a friend. Schedule time for yourself to do something that will bring you joy. Make a list for yourself of things that will give you pleasure, allow you to breathe.
If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, there are counselors available who can help.
Improve Basic Communication
When couples are in so much conflict, whether they are planning for divorce or not, it is difficult for them to have a productive conversation. Many need facilitation, I have been able to help couples with this and there are many other mediators who are able to help facilitate these conversations.
It is helpful to avoid making assumptions when in conflict with your spouse or partner. Instead ask questions, check out your assumptions. If you can take a little time away from the children and talk through the issues, staying sane is at least a little bit easier.
For more information on divorce options during this time of COVID, or to discuss any aspect of your need for assistance with your relationship during this difficult time, Contact Us Here at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
Finding a Counselor: Portland Therapy Center and Psychology Today
Mediation apps: CALM, Insight Timer, Headspace
Podcasts: Brene Brown On Being
~~~
In the medical field we hear a lot about preventive medicine. Have you heard of preventive law? The term was first coined by Louis Brown in the 40’s and 50’s. The idea is that through teaching and conditioning, legal problems may be averted and health in that area maintained.
We, at Bridges, have the knowledge and tools to help the public this way. As a professional group we provide legal, financial, emotional and relational support for the purpose of settling disputes. But that same knowledge and skill, applied early enough, can prevent legal entanglements altogether.
How early is early enough?
What questions might be addressed?
What can be learned?
How can we help?
Where do you start?
Make it your New Year’s Resolution to learn about Conflict Resolution by contacting or at least bookmarking Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions. We do way more than divorce. We might just even help prevent it.
Credit to Forrest S. Mosten and Lara Traum who brought forward the idea of Preventive Legal and Conflict Wellness at the 2019 IACP Annual forum in Chicago, Illinois.
To learn more, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
On August 19, 2017, portions of Oregon and the U.S. experienced the once in a generation experience of a total solar eclipse. I had reservations at a state park on the path of totality and then a month or so before the event, a friend suggested I come to rural Idaho which was also on the path. I tried to give away my camping reservation to my teen son and friends, as well to several other friends, but I could not find a taker. I assumed that this prime camping spot was going to go to waste.
I’ve been mediating with a divorcing couple for more than 3 years. They have been separated that entire period and the husband had re-partnered already. Their case has been the most unusual of the 500+ I have handled. They have assets spread literally across the globe, lived overseas for many years with business and investment ties there, have assets that are very difficult to value and while they clearly have great support and affection for each other, they bicker almost every time in our 10+ meetings. Sometimes one of them has failed to show up for meetings or appeared an hour late. One or both has been unprepared at times, or suddenly changes his/her mind. Yet, they do basically trust each other and put they teen-aged kids first at all times.
This feisty, unusual couple has been one of my more challenging cases, and one of the most fun. Despite their periodic tension, there is a core of love that they share from their amazing life together. They switch from arguing, to joking, to laughing together very easily. They are fun, super interesting people stuck in a marriage that they needed to end. Our meetings feel more like a connection with old friends than clients at this stage.
Then, finally, they suddenly and relatively quickly resolved their remaining issues with a compromise that fit them and that, we all joked, would drive lawyers crazy for being too vague, and relying too much on their sense of humor and mutual trust. We had one final meeting to sign the documents, which included a little bit more bickering, some tears, shared memories, jokes and a really sweet poignant end to the process. I gave them both orchids to mark the end of our work together. True to form, they insisted on taking selfies together with their flowers. And, I mentioned to them that I was heading off to see the eclipse and could not give away my reserved campsite. A few days later, Husband emailed asking if he could have the campsite, to which I easily agreed. I assumed he would be going with his new partner.
The eclipse was amazing from my Idaho mountain and I shared photos with friends and family and got a few in return. Including . . . a wonderful, fun photo of my eclectic clients and their kids all together in a big pile on a hammock at my Oregon campsite. They looked like the happy family they will continue to be, divorced but still connected, forever.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
When someone consults an attorney about getting a divorce, anything that person tells the attorney is private and protected by the attorney-client privilege. On the other hand, any written document that is filed with the court is open to the public and readily discoverable by anyone, stranger or friend. At Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions, we work with our clients so that your privacy is protected during the divorce process.
How Privacy is Protected in a Collaborative Divorce
In the traditional setting, the parties file documents with the court without regard to privacy. They do not consult with each other about what information is included in those documents. One or both spouses may want some information to remain private, but since the process is adversarial, private information is often shared with the court. This means it is also shared with the public.
In a collaborative divorce, documents are filed at the end of the case. Both parties sign off on the paperwork and give their okay about the information that is included. Attorneys and their clients do it together. Nothing becomes public record unless both parties have agreed to it. In some instances, settlement agreements can be signed off by both parties, but the document itself is not filed with the court.
Some examples of issues that the parties may want to keep private include:
The only people privy to all of the information are the attorneys and other professionals working with the parties in the collaborative process. This includes the certified divorce financial analysts, child psychologists, and others. They all have a duty not to share this information with anyone without the express permission of both parties.
Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions will work with you so that you and your spouse part in the most positive way possible and keep private information private so that the information is not discoverable by the public. Contact us for more information.
~~~
Myah Kehoe, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Kehoe Moneyhun Law, LLC
319 SW Washington St., Ste. 614
Portland, OR 97204
2005 SE 192nd Ave., Ste. 200
Camas, WA 98607
503-281-0624
Attitudes about searching for career satisfaction have shifted dramatically in the last few decades. A meaningful and viable career path, one that integrates well with family life has gained broad appeal. The clients I see as a collaborative divorce coach and vocational expert share these views. As they engage divorce and career coaching, they become stronger, more flexible and reasonable. Self-confidence increases. The possibility of growing in ways that matter reduces fear and uncertainty about the future and enhances the ability to negotiate in good faith.
A divorcing client who had found her direction recently said, “I feel more settled, like I have something to hang onto, even though everything else in my life is turned upside down. I have something that is giving me hope for my future and my children’s future.”
Collaborative-style vocational experts engage clients beyond the superficial evaluation and report on marketable skills conducted in some traditional divorce cases. These reports can be used to lock people into jobs worked fifteen plus years ago that no longer suit or feel relevant. Perhaps never felt relevant.
An outline of the role played by a vocational expert in collaborative and mediated cases includes:
The transformative case, where people emerge with better communication, a good parenting plan and hopeful about what’s to come, is facilitated by both parties feeling some degree of confidence in their future. The energy and focus generated by beginning to discover a purposeful and viable career direction is life changing. It typically leads to higher levels of commitment and discipline when it comes to training, study and/or job search. This benefits the already earning spouse by limiting their financial exposure. It ensures children will be well provided for and have positive role modeling from two working parents.
Finding a meaningful and viable career path brings solace, peace of mind and a positive connection to the future: A place to picture oneself on the other side of divorce.
~~~
Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
That’s the part of ourselves that’s more relaxed and less fearful. It’s where we make our best decisions creating outcomes that are highest and best for ourselves and the whole. We find that part of ourselves by getting quiet, through prayer and meditation, exercise, being in nature, doing something we love. Even thinking about these experiences helps to calm the emotions, opening us to intuition and higher forms of thought. It’s important to take care of yourself. This goes for inside and outside of the negotiating space. Taking care of yourself inside the negotiation space requires taking time before the meetings to figure out what is really important to you, what you must have from this process to move forward into your future as you envision it. If you had those things, how would it feel? Sit with that and ideas will come showing how that picture will be made manifest in your life. We all do this – the professionals and the families. It creates a safe container. We become mindful when we veer from our higher selves. We remind each other. We are all in this together. We can keep the peace if we are all accountable.
We start with goals for the process and for yourselves. What matters most to you? Take some time. Do this in a quiet setting with a quiet mind if at all possible.
Negotiation is shared listening. That is, listening with attention and without judgment to the needs and goals for yourself and the other. Attention generates new, fresh thinking. Mindfulness deepens the quality of attention. This type of listening helps coherent intelligence unfold. Better ideas are the result.
We communicate with ourselves this way to unearth our dreams, wants, needs and what’s important to us. We express this to the other in an environment of mutual respect met with uninterrupted attention. This is the ideal. We can come close to it with intention, awareness and discipline. It’s not easy to do but will make the divorce easier and more fruitful. It’s a primary requirement of a peaceful process.
Practices of connecting with the heart, meditation and other activities that balance the nervous system assist in making this type of communication possible. Working with a divorce coach also helps build tolerance and gives practice in better communication to make negotiation at the table much more productive.
When options are proposed, it’s important to consider the interests and needs of the other person as well as your own. To do this takes courage and letting go. Relaxing into a process that is not intimidating is important. Flexibility to listen to and consider options you don’t think would work or don’t think you could agree to require moving into our higher selves with dignity, patience and understanding. To listen and not react.
Making decisions requires a lot of the same skills. Know that everything decided upon will not be comfortable. Any combination of things that constitutes a settlement will require giving up something. How flexible are you or can you be to accept what is possible or the best possible scenario for your family? How strong have you made yourself through taking advantage of practices of the heart and other techniques that lead to acceptance? Acknowledging that you have done the best you can under the circumstances and accepting the result will make a smoother transition moving forward. It will be a continual practice of releasing and sharing control. How flexible are you or can you be? Longevity and happiness require flexibility, acceptance, forgiveness and letting go.
What does it take to commit to the result and work towards honoring your agreement with good faith, good nature and willingness to adjust to a new normal? How much can you forgive the past and look forward to a future of cooperation? These are all skills that can be practiced and mastered. It’s what creates a better life for us anyway. This is an opportunity to make life smoother for ourselves and others.
Do not hesitate to contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
Whether you’ve initiated your divorce or vice versa and you need a job now or down the road, “What job?” can seem as unclear as the nature of your projected earnings. The way you approach thinking and making decisions about jobs during or post divorce can dramatically affect how the process unfolds for you.
There can be many related questions and feelings that need settling and support as you seek the right employment and lifestyle. It’s a time of uncertainty, everything, or almost everything seems up in the air. In the middle of this most difficult life transition asking questions about what’s really important, brings us closer to understanding how to choose.
We need quality guidance. At the heart of career assessment or testing, interests and values clarification exercises offer powerful facilitation as we transition to a new life. To know what you really think and feel gives you something to navigate by in life and work life. It’s the basis for finding and creating meaningful direction. Give yourself time to reflect, drift off and space out on the subject of you.
Consider what you care about when it comes to pinning down what things should revolve around now, and next. It’s a way to pick up and begin writing the next chapter of “You.” How do you want to grow and relate to family, friends and community?
Look at your innate and developed skills as well, character strengths and learning goals, personality and work setting preferences. Before determining potential job and career matches, review your financial goals, need for benefits, employment location and commute tolerance. “It’s not rocket science,” but it is a complex process with more than a few moving parts, creating a meaningful life and work life post-divorce. It may also include co-parenting and caring for children, their needs and educational dreams.
Actively explore what matters job wise and discover a meaningful and doable path. Find what you can immerse yourself in because you care, and begin to feel that you matter again. Recovering from time with a partner who negated your interests and/or abilities is challenging. Chins up! Meeting people who share your passions is validating. Doing the thing you thought you might enjoy and do enjoy is intrinsically rewarding and requires no outside approval to sustain.
When you act on your deeper values you engage the highest part of yourself and nurture your inner self. Over time you’ll emerge stronger, happier and more confident as you build a life of meaning and purpose that also pays the bills.
~~~
Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
Child support is an important topic when divorcing couples have children under age 21. Parents have a lot of questions about why it must be paid and what the funds will be used for. One of the advantages of the Collaborative Divorce process is how we assist our clients so that they have a better understanding of the many facets of child support. First, we try to better understand a family’s goals, needs, and budgets. We can then collaborate to create an individual plan that will work for the entire family and that will be approved by the court.
According to Oregon law, it is mandatory for parents to fill out a child support worksheet with the Uniform Child Support Guidelines formula attached to their paperwork. If a child support order is left up to a trial court judge, it will be limited to considering only incomes, spousal support (if any), work-related childcare, percentage of time-sharing with kids, health insurance premiums, and the base amount of child support itself. This does not always meet a family’s needs or goals.
There are ways we can personalize the plan and provide the court with more details. We talk about the children’s specific needs and family budgets. There are different categories of expenses to consider when working to establish a monthly child support sum. For example, we take into account:
Our collaborative teams often use budget-based software called Family Law Software that has a lot of tools for us to use in assisting families who will now have two households to run on the same income they used to use for just one household. We want to be sure the plan we settle on is one that is going to meet the needs of the parents and the children.
To learn more about how to structure your child support agreement through the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
Child support can be a confusing and sometimes contentious issue between parents who are faced with the termination of their marriage. Often, divorcing parents confuse child support with spousal support, which is a very different issue. The two topics should not be discussed together as one lump sum but addressed separately. One reason is that modifications of each issue are handled differently and there may be legal ramifications to mixing the issues together. Here are some child support tips for parents who are attempting to work out this issue:
Child Support for Children Ages 18 to 21 (child attending school):
Oregon law concerning children ages 18 to 21 who are in school more than half time is somewhat complicated and governed by statute. Consulting a licensed attorney and working with a collaborative team is important to understand how to meet the child or children’s needs as well as the agreement being approved by a judge. If you just utilize the presumed guideline formula online (https://www.doj.state.or.us/child-support/calculators-forms/child-support-calculator/), it will presume both parents shall pay the college age child cash child support each month. This is not typically what parents desire in my experience. The Collaborative divorce team works with parents, along with a financial professional (CDFA) when helpful, to construct a written agreement that will meet the child’s recurring and periodic needs. This agreement must be structured in a way that will get the court’s approval as well.
Consider the Specific Needs of Each Child:
Our list of child support tips includes looking at the different categories of the individual child’s needs. This includes considering costs of healthcare, school related, childcare, (where applicable), and extracurricular needs. For example, if a child is involved in sports, takes music lessons, has special needs that require tutoring, or other needs that require funds, we recommend having a list of those items before sitting down to discuss child support. The meeting can be more productive if those costs have been determined prior to the settlement meeting.
Childcare related issues:
When filling out the Oregon child support worksheet, some parents will put in a specific amount for daycare cost. I don’t typically recommend doing that unless parents are not able to communicate or cooperate well. Daycare needs tend to fluctuate, especially in summer months, or with infants, toddlers, or preschoolers, and the amount ordered by the court at one time may be modified when the needs change later. We can discuss alternate ways to apportion childcare costs between parents in a way that meets the family’s goals with less restrictions.
Parenting Time Credit:
One area frequently asked about is how to calculate time a child or children spend with each parent as these ties into the child support guideline amount. I usually start with the question of how much time a child typically spends with each parent when not at school or childcare and try to better understand actual costs the parents are incurring while caring for the child or children. It’s important to better understand the goals and nuances of the family’s parenting plan when talking about this issue instead of going straight to a positional discussion of “how many overnights” does a parent have with a child. The Oregon statute also allows parents (or the court) to look at shorter blocks of time (such as 4 hours) if a better fit to analyze what’s equitable in parenting time percentage.
Modification Process:
When a support agreement is modified, that modification must be approved by the court to be enforceable.
Parents do not need to appear in court to have court approval, but they must file the modification legal documents with the court for an enforceable agreement related to child support.
Meeting with a Financial Analyst:
We recommend meeting at least once with a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA). We include a financial professional on our collaborative divorce team. This professional will work with both parents to discuss tax implications, budgeting, or other financial issues that they have not yet considered.
If you have questions about child support settlements, or any other issue concerning divorce or separation, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
It’s wedding season and there are many preparations for the joyous day. Have you thought about a prenuptial agreement? It’s becoming more and more relevant for reasons you probably haven’t thought of.
Here are 7 good reasons for a Prenup
1) Prenups Strengthen Relationships:
A prenup is an agreement about things that will come up in the relationship that are best understood and talked about now. In the glow of love and desire to be together happily ever after, entering into a discussion about a contract is not that appealing. However, if the practice of raising difficult issues and resolving them starts early, it will bode well for durability and happiness in the long run for the union.
2) Talk About What Is Important To You:
By identifying what is important to you and expressing it to each other you can work out the differences at a positive time and in a joyful light. To fulfill your dreams you will need to focus on practical matters, like financial planning, understanding money habits and disclosure of assets, debts and income. It’s better if the relationship is not based on vague illusions but on understanding and supporting each others’ dreams.
3) Talk About Money:
It’s an economic and emotional partnership. Disclosing present financial realities, making a plan and ground rules creates possibilities for bonding and security. Raise consciousness and confront issues, starting the practice of making intentional decisions now and in the future. Then the difficult issues are out of the way and you can relax and enjoy each other and the ride.
4) Protect Rights for Each of You:
You wouldn’t enter into a business partnership without an agreement laying out rights and responsibilities, conflict resolution strategies, assurances of being heard, having a measure of control – and, perhaps most importantly, a process for dissolution if it doesn’t work. Divorce is a $50B a year industry, largely due to the fact that these things haven’t been dealt with in the most important of partnership relationships. Family breakup is random and then left to lawyers and the courts with no predetermined, understood and predictable process or outcome.
5) Things to Discuss Up Front:
What kind of lifestyle do you want? How many children, if any? If having children – who will continue to work? If one stays home, what will be the compensation for time and opportunity lost in the job market in the event of divorce? What are your money personalities? Savers or spenders? What is the financial story for your family of origin?
All of these things can be made known, discussed and worked with from the beginning. Agreements can be made before you are married and modified as you go along to keep behavior in check so your future goals are met. You can work with mediators, attorneys, financial professionals, coaches and therapists as needed.
6) Develop Financial Plan:
Are you going to have HIS, HERS and OUR accounts? Is there a reason why some assets should be kept separate? Reasons might include other party in debt, threat of lawsuit, guarantee of business debts, high risk business situation, receiving assets from family, estate planning, keeping assets distinct for children from prior relationship, consistency for the prenup.
Adjust income tax withholding, determine contributions to retirement, insurance coverage (medical, dental, life, disability, long term care, car, homeowners or renters, umbrella or professional liability, selecting beneficiaries of life insurance policies, 401(k), pension, profit-sharing, 403(b) annuities and IRAs, registering assets in individual or joint title, writing a new will, health care proxy, living will, durable powers of attorney. Discussion of plan with adult children and providing a copy of the prenuptial agreement to third parties.
7) Empowering Women:
Having these issues discussed prior to marriage with agreements, advances women’s rights and ability to negotiate for themselves. Frankly it’s hard to get justice in the courts later, so claiming your power now is important. Things that come up include the financial consequences of staying home with children, supporting spouse through professional school, leaving your home for the home of a new spouse or not having an interest in the business because it’s hard to value.
There is opportunity for agreement for payouts in the event of divorce, equalized power at the table and legal, binding agreements. Having legal requirements for full disclosure and a more deliberative process at the beginning will begin to close the economic gap. You have more leverage before the marriage than after. You know what you’re getting in terms of the other person because the beliefs have all been brought out. It’s a positive atmosphere to get a fair agreement.
There is also an opportunity to talk about balancing other tasks like household and child-rearing responsibilities, freeing you to make more money.
Share This With Friends.
It takes more than love to make a marriage. It takes dispute resolution skills consciously developed over time. Work with collaborative professionals who can help you from the beginning, for the best chance at a lasting relationship or a lasting peace.
Click the image below to grab an Easy-to-Print comprehensive Premarital Checklist with more questions and ideas. If nothing else, it’s good for thought and discussion.
~~~
Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
We the children of the divorcing parents, hereby establish this Bill Of Rights for all children:
The right to maintain my status as a child and not to take on adult responsibilities for the sake of the parent’s well being.To learn more, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Joanna “Jo” Posey, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Posey Legal, PC
3115 NE Sandy Blvd., Ste 222
Portland, OR 97232
503-241-0818
Negotiation requires listening to different perspectives that often conflict with how we see ourselves and our world. This is feedback. It’s hard to give and hard to take.
Why is feedback so hard? Because of our insecurities.
Why is feedback so important? For the mutual benefit of understanding, to make positive changes in how we behave and to grow.
What can we do to overcome the pain of feedback? The only way to face our fear of feedback is to engage in a process that fosters safe dialogue, including both deep honesty and empathy.
How can we safely engage in conflict (including giving and receiving feedback) in order to grow and improve our relationships? Relationships continue after divorce, especially if there are children. Learning to resolve conflict is an ongoing process for us, and our abilities positively or negatively affect our lives and the lives of those around us. People must feel safe to discuss their concerns and interests. Once fear of vulnerability is removed, people can aspire to their higher good and find excellent solutions.
How do we apply this to feedback? What’s required is a change of heart – from negative, evaluative feedback to appreciation. Try to find new truth in what is being said. Know it’s a process of understanding that each person is a culture and sees things differently. Build trust by buffering individual differences with feelings of appreciation, seeing the innocence and insecurity in others and understanding them. Take feedback with a mind open to change, new information, curiosity, and wanting to get better.
What are the tools?
~~~
Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
As a psychotherapist and career counselor starting out in the mid-80’s, my biggest surprise has been how many people come in my office and complain not about their work, but about their dysfunctional workplace. They’ve talked and still talk about a lack of vision and organization among managers resulting in chaos and confusion, distrust among employees at all levels and cultures of toxicity that lead to high stress and health problems. A focus on productivity alone is behind decision-making that ignores a worker’s need for respect, to believe in what they do, manageable deadlines and a chance to speak out when problems occur.
I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said, “My company used to feel like family, it doesn’t anymore. I never see my manager and it seems I’m expected to do three jobs now.” Since I began my career, our country has seen the steady incorporation of management styles with an eye on short-term profits and efficiencies over quality. Not only has quality of life for employees suffered but it has wrecked havoc across industries from retail and health care to the manufacture of airplanes. Beginning in the early 1970’s a focus on paying profits to shareholders shifted the view of managers who were increasingly trained in MBA programs that emphasized financial gain for investors over benefits to customers, employees and community. Instead of creating full time jobs with health benefits, employee training, contributing to retirement funds and giving back to the community, we saw a trend to send good jobs overseas to increase short term dividends for shareholders.
My hope for future business dealings in Oregon and elsewhere stems from the way I see my clients and others put their deeper values and interests on the line in the workplace. From my socially oriented clients who prioritize wanting to “help people” to folks who want to “make something useful and beautiful for others,” I see many who want to care about what they do for a living. It seems to come naturally, as a part of a need to be our true selves in relation to the larger community.
“The promise of business is to increase the general well-being of humankind through service, creative invention and ethical philosophy. Business is the only mechanism on the planet today powerful enough to produce the changes necessary to reverse global environments and social degradation.” Paul Hawken
I agree with Paul Hawken, visionary, environmentalist, activist and entrepreneur; work is a place where we can change the world. But given the “eroding and precarious state of employment” (a phrase coined by Dr. David L. Bluestein,) as the impact of bean counters led by greed over the last several decades is felt more and more, it is the workplace itself that now needs our help.
Dr. Bluestein, an expert in the changes our economy is experiencing and author of soon to be published “The Impact of Work in an Age of Uncertainty: The Eroding Work Experience in America,” says a good way to keep a job today is to make caring and creativity your focus. He says this in part to steer those of us whose jobs are being taken over by robots into work that will always be around. But now there is another imperative, we must care and think at work if we are to maintain our very humanity and not turn into robots ourselves. David Graeber, in “Bullshit Jobs,” warns people negatively affected by their lack of meaning and purpose at work suffer from “depression, anxiety and a warped sense of values” and also points to “caring and creativity” as a way through our present dilemmas.
In closing I ask you, “What do you care about? What do you want to create?” And what might it look like if you were doing this at work? As I’m fond of saying, meaningful direction in career often starts as a small feeling, a feeling of caring, of being interested in something or falling in love with an idea. Trust your subjective experience. It is crucial to the process of discovering and growing your passions. As Barbara Sher, a well-known career author, says, “We are what we love.” You’ll soon notice a side benefit to caring and feeling more connected to others, a boost in self-confidence and a decrease in anxiety. So tune out any negative self-talk about your little idea not being important or good enough and get to work! The world is waiting.
~~~
Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
Most folks don’t want the typical (usually awful) American divorce. Instead, they want a respectful process that makes one of life’s hardest transitions as smooth as possible for themselves and their families. For some families, mediation won’t work but they don’t want to go to court. A Collaborative Divorce helps participants to 
be their best selves at this tough time, rather than being dragged down into the whirlpool of anger and sadness that can greatly damage family relationships for many, many years to come, or even forever.
With a Collaborative Divorce, each spouse has their own attorney and the attorneys are committed to working together to come to an agreement. Coaches are usually a good idea. Other specialists (e.g., Child, Financial, Appraiser) are called upon, as needed, in a given situation.
If you have questions about child support settlements, or any other issue concerning divorce or separation, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
A stay-at-home-mom (very photogenic) was married to a wealthy physician for 30 years. After their adult-daughter went to collage, mother decided on divorce so she could “breathe,” but wanted her daughter to feel as if mother was in no way taking advantage of father in the divorce process. Wife wanted divorce, husband was destroyed and adamant that case be concluded immediately. She wanted to honor husband, including all he had done to build the marital estate and she wanted to conduct the divorce process in the least painful manner possible. Wife was also determined to have no regrets, either about the decision or the process of separation. Wife was liberated on a spiritual level by Collaborative Divorce by maintaining peace and integrity throughout the separation, doing it in the most honorable way possible.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
From the Multnomah Lawyer, January 2019 Volume 65, Number 1
by Anthony Blake
YLS Pro Bono Committee
Early in life, James O’Connor realized he had an overarching desire to help people. He went to Georgetown Law School with the intent of using the law as a tool for change. After graduating in the Ronald Reagan era, O’Connor found himself searching for a job that allowed him to assist individuals and couples in finding solutions to the issues that many families face. So, he traveled to a rural part of Arkansas where he worked as an attorney for Legal Aid of Arkansas. His next stop was Legal Aid of Greater Cincinnati. At each of these locations, he had the freedom to combine his education and personal experience to brainstorm new ways of approaching old problems. “My early positions allowed me to attack the cause of problems instead of just spotting the symptoms,” O’Connor said. The on-the-fly experience he gained as a budding legal aid attorney would stick with him for the rest of his career. Eventually, O’Connor walked away from the family law arena and worked as general counsel for the International Union of Operating Engineers in Washington, DC. There, he provided various services to the union and its 4,000 members.
In 2006, he opened his own firm, Jim O’Connor LLC , in Northeast Portland where he works as a mediator and collaborative divorce attorney. After opening his firm, O’Connor wanted to re-connect with his family law roots in a way that he does not always get to experience in his daily practice. Thousands of miles away from the Arkansas Delta where he started, O’Connor became a volunteer at Legal Aid Services of Oregon. Since then, he’s found a way to volunteer at LASO
at least once a month for the last 12 years. This commitment has allowed him to provide family law assistance to almost 200 clients. “Jim’s long-term dedication to assisting low income clients is truly remarkable. Jim provides critical legal help with family law legal issues and goes above and beyond to ensure low income individuals receive assistance,” said Jill Mallery, Staff Attorney/ Pro Bono Coordinator at LASO ’s Portland office. When asked why he continues to volunteer at LASO each month, O’Connor responded, “Family is everything to the people who come through the doors of LASO. They have the same issues we all have. Their feelings are real and they’re extremely appreciative of the services volunteers provide.”
Despite decades of helping hundreds of families, O’Connor remains grateful for every opportunity, “It’s a privilege to use your education to help people.” Without dedication from volunteers like O’Connor, a majority of the families at LASO would have to face the legal system on their own. He’s a great example of what it means to remain committed to finding a way to help the less fortunate, regardless of one’s career path. “On behalf of the hundreds of clients Jim has assisted, we thank him for his commitment to increasing access to justice,” said Mallery. Our local community is lucky to have him.
To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~~~posted by:
19th Annual Networking and Educational Event
October 25 to October 28, 2018
The Westin Seattle, WA
Several of your Bridges Divorce professionals are back from the world collaborative conference in Seattle, Washington.
IACP is the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, an international community of legal, mental health and financial professionals working in concert to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.
More than 450 lawyers, mental health professionals, financial professionals and other Collaborative practitioners from several countries attended the Forum at the Westin Seattle.
Transform how conflict is resolved worldwide through Collaborative Practice.
IACP supports Collaborative Practice as a conflict resolution option worldwide by:
To learn more about choosing Collaborative Practice for YOUR peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Most people don’t realize that everything they or their spouse files during their divorce case becomes a matter of public record.
Every scandalous accusation of past wrongdoing. Every detail about their finances and the finances of their business. Every embarrassing story about their weakest parenting moments. All of those details, if alleged by a party in a court pleading, become part of the court’s file and available to the public at large.
Years ago, when a person had to drive down to the courthouse and pay a fee to make paper copies of court files, this wasn’t such a big deal. But since all Oregon courts switched to electronic filing, obtaining court records is as easy as signing up for a login and doing a quick name search. What this means is that the most intimate details of your private life and the conflicts leading to your divorce are readily available to anyone who cares enough look for them online—including friends, family members, neighbors, employers/employee and children.
The solution to prevent the publicizing of details of a divorcing couple’s private lives is to choose a collaborative divorce process rather than litigating in the public spotlight. At the outset of collaborative divorce cases, parties sign a contract committing to resolving all of their conflicts in a series of meetings outside of the courtroom and before any salacious allegations can be made part of the public record.
Each party is represented by an attorney with specialized training in alternative dispute resolution and interest-based negotiation who advocates on their client’s behalf throughout the process. Only after a complete agreement is reached and tempers have cooled is anything filed with the court. Oregon law requires some minimal income information be recited in judgments involving child support, but the rest of the agreement can be set forth in a confidential marital settlement agreement.
Collaborative divorce has other benefits over litigation:
Collaborative divorce helps divorcing spouses get the education and legal advice they need to make informed decisions about their own future, rather than leaving those decisions up to a judge who may only be able to spend a few hours learning about the issues before making a ruling that will affect the family for years to come.
The collaborative process works in most types of divorce cases, including legally complicated cases, high asset cases and highly contested cases. It is an effective alternative to litigation that saves the participants from the stress of trial and the embarrassment of having sensitive information made public.
Courtesy of Portland Business Journal
Thank you!
~~~
Joanna “Jo” Posey
Attorney at Law / Mediator
Posey Legal, PC
3115 NE Sandy Blvd., Ste 222
Portland, OR 97232
503-241-0818
17th Annual Networking and Educational Forum
October 27-30, 2016
Hilton / Lake Las Vegas
Several of your Bridges Divorce professionals are back from the world collaborative conference in Lake Las Vegas, Nevada.
IACP is the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, an international community of legal, mental health and financial professionals working in concert to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.
Transform how conflict is resolved worldwide through Collaborative Practice.
IACP supports Collaborative Practice as a conflict resolution option worldwide by:
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
Your Bridges’ professionals took Veterans’ Day away from their offices to honor vets and learn from and with about forty local collaborating professionals. We spent the day engaged and engaging with our peers.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
Increasingly in recent years, couples seeking an amicable divorce have chosen mediation as a way to avoid a nasty escalation into an expensive, attorney-driven legal battle. This works for many families. However, anecdotal research shows that other folks still want more than a neutral mediator: they need an advocate in their corner. In a Collaborative Divorce, a settle out-of-court option, each party has their own specially-trained attorney who advocates for them, but not in direct opposition to their partner. Collaborative Divorce is conducted in the spirit of mediation, with the goal of maintaining mutual respect, safety and hope for the future for both husband and wife throughout the process.
Divorcing has often required financial support for women as they re-enter the workforce, typically after many years at home caring for children. Increasingly, in our modern world, there are stay-at-home dads in the same situation. Unfortunately, fathers may have also experienced a devaluation of their talents and skills, as someone who didn’t receive an outside income for work done during the marriage. This can leave both mothers and fathers feeling vulnerable and “one down” as they enter the negotiation process.
Women and men who are financially vulnerable are supported by the collaborative team, which includes a vocational expert who provides supportive counseling to the stay-at-home spouse, while clarifying their interests, values and skills. The counselor helps the person understand the need for training and evaluates potential earning capacity. The assessment works for both spouses, helping to identity the career path that would be best for the person re-entering the workplace, as well as the amount and duration of financial assistance needed as they transition to being more self-supporting. The thoughts and feelings of the spouse who will be contributing to support payments are also solicited because realistic and feasible arrangements are the goal.
In traditional litigation, the stay-at-home spouse is frequently evaluated by a “hired-gun” vocational expert to determine their potential earnings, as both sides prepare to go to court (or typically, settle at the last moment, just before trial). Sometimes, the litigating lawyers for both the husband and wife will pay for an expert to forecast the career path that would be best, or earn the most, for the person re-entering the workplace. These proceedings often do not include the feelings and choices of the person being evaluated and can become quite contentious as the supporting party seeks to reduce their ongoing financial outlay. The vulnerable spouse can experience extreme anxiety, including a sense of having no control over their future.
The vocational coach in a collaborative case seeks to empower the stay-at-home spouse. The client is engaged and supported through career testing, homework and exploratory exercises that develop and reinforce their emerging identity as a newly single person and their choices for the life that is to come. The collaborative process is facilitated by professionals outside the court and usually results in real growth for both sides, compared to the adversarial, litigation system. Personal and career progress is enhanced, as evidenced by a renewed sense of self, self-confidence, purpose, hope and excitement about the options being explored, a true “win-win” for both spouses.
~~~
Gail Jean Nicholson, MA, LPC
Divorce Coach / Personal and Career Counselor
1020 SW Taylor St Ste 350
Portland, OR 97205
503-227-4250
Collaborative Divorce is so much more than simply negotiating out-of-court. Robin Williams used the collaborative divorce process and is said to have maintained an outstanding relationship with his ex wife. Said Williams during his 2008 divorce, “We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this [collaborative] process to achieve the future well-being of our families. We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process and agree to seek a positive way to resolve our differences justly and equitably.”
Collaborative Divorce is a holistic approach to the complex process of divorce that can preserve time, money, and the health of the entire family moving forward.
or View the video at the YouTube Sesame Street Channel
To learn more about choosing Collaborative Practice for YOUR peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Bonus Families ® is the only international non-profit organization dedicated to promoting peaceful coexistence between divorced or separated parents and their combined families.
Their goal? To support YOU. Now, that’s a real bonus…
Get Help
Bonus Families® has many options available for you and your family… Help is available online or by telephone, (925) 516-2681
If you have questions about peaceful separating, or any other issue concerning family or divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander
Collaborative Attorney & Mediator
Alexander Law, PC
1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410
Hillsboro, OR 97006
503-531-9109
Welcome back, Dona!
Dona Cullen has returned from Phoenix, Arizona / ASU Mercado, where she took a 2-day course on Facilitation Skills for Collaborative Professionals. Her instructors were Rita Pollak, JD and Catherine Tornbon.
~~~
Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150
Lake Oswego, OR 97035
503-867-1763
Dona’s Website
Email Dona
Welcome Metro-Parent readers…
If you saw our tall, skinny ad on page 19, you’re entitled to a free telephone consultation. Please call 503-567-2848.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator
3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309
Portland, OR 97212
503-473-8242
Prior to January 1, 2012, Oregon law seemed to prevent “a quickie-divorce.” There was a 90-day waiting period between starting a divorce and time of trial or judgment.
The waiting period had been in effect since 1971, when Oregon adopted “no-fault” divorce. I think the legislators included this provision as a sort of “cooling-off” period, but almost no one I know of reconciled during the waiting period. With just a bit more paperwork, folks could reasonably and promptly end their marriage. For years, in appropriate cases, lawyers routinely asked the court to waive (skip) the waiting period, and this request was usually granted.
…so, now Oregon enters the 21st Century: Marriage is serious and divorce is not to be taken lightly. No one I know is ever thoughtless about ending his or her marriage. The waiting period just became an anachronism in modern family matters. The upshot of all of this: Less paperwork (“save-a-tree”) and avoiding unnecessary legal expenses!
To learn more about choosing Collaborative Practice for YOUR peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Your Bridges Divorce professionals are back from the conference in San Francisco.
IACP is the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, an international community of legal, mental
health and financial professionals working in concert to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.
Transform how conflict is resolved worldwide through Collaborative Practice.
IACP supports Collaborative Practice as a conflict resolution option worldwide by:
To learn more about the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~~~
Ira talks with divorce mediator Barry Berkman about why it’s bad when the justice system gets involved in a break-up. (8 minutes) Barry is a member of The New York Association of Collaborative Professionals.
