https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/ugnz0ho4.png348620Randall Poffhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngRandall Poff2023-10-10 10:00:512023-10-13 15:42:44Giving Thanks After a Split
Effective communication with your Collaborative Attorney is crucial to the successful completion of your case. In order for your attorney to successfully advocate on your behalf, you must be able to clearly communicate your goals, and provide the factual details your attorney needs to help you reach a settlement.
Agree on a Communication Protocol. At your initial consultation or soon thereafter, have a conversation with your attorney about how you will be communicating with them. Let them know if you have a preference for email, phone calls, or office meetings. Ask about the best way to schedule a call or meeting, either through your attorney directly or through an assistant who manages their calendar. Some clients prefer to keep a running list of questions for their attorney and schedule a meeting or phone call to go over all of them at once. Others prefer to send questions to their attorney via email as the questions arise. Email can be very efficient, especially if you are able to organize your thoughts succinctly. Consider using bullet points or numbered lists if you are writing about several different issues. Depending upon the complexity of the issues, your attorney may ask to schedule a call or meeting to advise you. If you don’t check your email regularly, let your attorney know to contact you by phone if they need a response quickly.
Keep Your Attorney Informed of the Facts. Over the course of your Collaborative Divorce case, you should keep your attorney updated about the facts of your case. I like to check in with my clients before each Collaborative Four-Way Meeting to find out how things are going, what is working, and what is not working. Identifying problem areas in advance of the Four-Way Meeting allows me to ensure the issue is on the next meeting’s agenda, to brainstorm possible solutions in advance, and to check in with your spouse’s Collaborative Attorney on the issue when appropriate. If an urgent issue arises, you should let your attorney know right away. Generally, I want my clients to keep me informed of the following:
Job changes for you or your spouse
Significant income changes for you or your spouse
Change of address, telephone number, or email address
Identifying an asset or debt that was not previously discussed, including the receipt of an inheritance or sizeable gift
Whether bills or support are being paid as agreed
How your children are responding to the parenting schedule
Whether you are having trouble producing documents requested for your case
Keep Your Attorney Informed of Your Goals. One of the first conversations you will have with your Collaborative Attorney will be to determine your goals—what you want at the end of your divorce case; where you want to be in five or ten years after your case is concluded. It is not unusual for a client’s goals to change over the course of a case, but it is important to let your Collaborative Attorney know when this happens.
Use Legal Staff. If your Collaborative Attorney has a legal assistant, paralegal, or other legal staff, learn how to use that person effectively. Legal staff cannot give you legal advice, but they have a wealth of knowledge about the procedural aspects of your case. Many attorneys prefer clients to copy their paralegal on all correspondence into the office so that the paralegal can maintain records for the client file. Paralegals often manage the document gathering phase of a case (known as “discovery”) and can answer questions you have about that process at a lower hourly rate than your Collaborative Attorney. Work with them to determine the most efficient way for you to send in your financial and other documents. More and more attorneys are going paperless and may prefer to receive documents electronically rather than hard copies, and are able to receive them via email, memory stick, or file-sharing program. Be sure to promptly respond to questions from legal staff and always treat them professionally.
Respond in a Timely Fashion. Try to respond to emails or phone calls from your attorney reasonably quickly. Your case cannot progress without you, and the Collaborative process can fail if you are unresponsive for too long.
Confidentiality. Everything you communicate to your Collaborative Attorney or their legal staff is protected by attorney-client privilege and cannot be disclosed without your permission. However, you should always let your attorney know if you are not ready for them to disclose something to the other side. Remember that the Collaborative Divorce process is centered around transparency, and that if you are unwilling to allow your attorney to disclose certain material facts, they may have to terminate the case. For example, if tell your attorney about something your spouse needs to be aware of in order to make informed decisions regarding settlement, that fact will need to be disclosed to your spouse in a timely manner or your attorney will be forced to terminate the Collaborative case. Note that your attorney will never disclose privileged information without your permission, but that you may need to choose between maintaining a secret versus maintaining a Collaborative Divorce process.
Communication with Additional Team Members. If your case involves an allied professional, such as a child specialist, financial neutral, or divorce coach, be sure you understand how best to communicate with that individual and the team as a whole. Remember that anything you disclose to an allied professional remains confidential to the Collaborative Divorce process but is not protected by attorney/client privilege and may be disclosed to your spouse at any time.
Ask for Help. Your attorney and their staff are there to guide you through the divorce process. When in doubt, ask them for help. For example, if you don’t have the time or technology needed to download financial statements, your attorney or their staff may be able to take care of that for you. If you are unable to locate a particular document or piece of information, let your attorney know right away so they can help find a way to obtain it.
Setting ground rules about how you will communicate with your attorney, their staff, and other allied professionals in a Collaborative Divorce case early on ensures that everyone stays in the loop, and that your case can continue to progress forward in a timely manner.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/Communication-ear-to-ear.jpg4821000Joanna "Jo" Poseyhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJoanna "Jo" Posey2023-10-04 10:00:062023-10-13 17:22:07Communicating with a Collaborative Divorce Team
Mediation is a confidential process for resolving disputes. A neutral professional mediator assists the parties to reach a mutually acceptable resolution of their issues. The mediator does not take sides or make decisions, but assists people in sharing information, identifying goals and discussing options. Mediation offers a very cost-effective and less invasive alternative to the traditional litigation process. For most families, there is nothing of value to be found in court. The people in the conflict are far more familiar with the problems to be solved, and better able to clearly communicate what each needs to feel heard, respected, and treated fairly.
Mediation is sometimes described as facilitated or assisted negotiation. This option works best when the parties are able to sit together and, with the mediator’s help, develop problem-solving solutions on their own. Of course, some families will require more support than mediation provides (see “What is Collaborative Divorce?” page).
The judge is just the “decider.”
Bridges professionals are available to help parties mediate their family disputes, in a private, neutral and safe process. We have extensive training in negotiation and conflict resolution techniques. Our role is to ensure that the process remains respectful and works to develop win-win solutions that might not otherwise occur within the families. Don’t put up with this guy’s frustrations.
Finally, the judge is the just the “decider.” The courts are crowded, rigid and public. Even if you insist on “seeing the other side in court,” rules of evidence and time pressure usually won’t allow you to satisfy your desire to be heard. A mediated solution is a hand-crafted solution.
~~
Randall Poff, Retired Collaborative Attorney and Family Mediator
You discuss, you negotiate, and you agree about children/parenting, support and finances/property.
Difficult Divorce:
You tried, but you can’t agree on some or all of the key issues.
Emotionally, psychologically, socially ending a marriage or domestic partnership can be very difficult indeed. Add the hot-button topics of child custody, strained finances and division of property to the mix and it is no wonder divorce is probably one of the most challenging life events you’ll ever experience. So, “No!” it is not easy, but from one point of view, there are (at least) two different approaches. One, especially, is a lot easier than the other.
Two approaches in divorce:
Doing it by agreement
Many people are able to agree with their partner and this makes the process of separation and divorce a lot easier. Not easy, but easier.
Going to court
Unfortunately, many people are living in the difficult world of divorce litigation. Sure, if you could agree on things you might not be getting divorced in the first place. Ultimately, if you are unable to agree, you will need the court to make the decisions for you.
A pet-peeve: Many of my clients read or hear about the phrase, “no-court-divorce,” and wonder . . . I can say without hesitation (at least in Oregon and Washington), there is no such thing as “no-court-divorce.” To end your marriage and become a single person, it can only happen in court with a judge signing legal papers! Historically, that’s how litigating divorce lawyers came to be: If you gotta go to court, the thinking was, they (and the media, to a great degree) convinced folks they need to engage in a court-battle to “win-it-all” from their former partner. Yes, some folks will need a judge to give them their answers ~ I don’t expect courthouses will be torn down or become obsolete anytime soon. I do believe most folks are able to find their own comprehensive divorce agreements, sometimes on their own but usually with the help of a caring, trained professional.
Finances & Property It’s not only a matter of who will get what, there are also issues of child support and perhaps even spousal support (alimony) to consider. Typically, there is a lot at stake for both partners. Will you get to keep most of your hard earned assets?
Child Custody & Parenting Children are the future. Will joint custody be workable? How will parenting-time be established? Will you be able to be there for your children when it matters most? Will you be involved enough to really be a part of their lives as the years go on?
Consider Your Alternatives : Exercise Your Judgment
Nobody looks forward to divorce: It’s hard! When you decide it’s over, you do have options to the tired old refrain, “See you in court!” Mediation or Collaboration are usually better choices for most couples. The vast majority of my clients “get ‘r done” without a contested court case (especially in these COVID-19 trying times).
Contact me (or any “Bridger”) to learn how to “invite” your partner to an amiable divorce. I am convinced the better way is Collaborative Divorce (and its little sibling, Mediation)!
Let’s carry that forward using the steps of a collaborative or mediation process.
High End Goals
We start with goals for the process and for yourselves. What matters most to you? Take some time. Do this in a quiet setting with a quiet mind if at all possible. To come back to your heart will be an important skill for this exercise.
Why did you pick a peacemaking process? What are your goals for the process?
What is it you want for your future relationship together?
What do you want for the children? What is most important?
What are your values about money? What are your priorities?
How about personal and emotional goals? How do you want to feel, during the process and afterwards?
What are your concerns about ongoing relationships with family, friends, work?
What do you need for self-care? Balance of life?
What does a positive future look like for you? How do you want to feel?
Negotiation Is Mindful Listening to Yourself and Others.
Negotiation is shared listening. That is, listening with attention and without judgment. Attention generates new, fresh thinking. Mindfulness deepens the quality of attention. This type of listening helps coherent intelligence unfold. So better ideas are the result.
We communicate with ourselves this way to unearth our dreams, wants, needs and what’s important to us. We express this to the other in an environment of mutual respect met with uninterrupted attention. This is the ideal. We can come close to it with intention, awareness and discipline. It’s not easy to do but will make the divorce easier and more fruitful. It’s a primary requirement of a peaceful process.
Practices of connecting with the heart, meditation and other activities that balance the nervous system assist in making this type of communication possible. Working with a divorce coach also helps build tolerance and gives practice in better communication to make negotiation at the table much more productive.
Brainstorming Options
When options are proposed, it’s important to consider the interests and needs of the other person as well as your own. To do this takes courage and letting go. Relaxing into a process that is not intimidating is important. Flexibility to listen to and consider options you don’t think would work or don’t think you could agree to requires moving into our higher selves with dignity, patience and understanding. To listen and not react.
Deciding
Making decisions requires a lot of the same skills. Know that everything decided upon will not be comfortable. Any combination of things that constitutes a settlement will require giving up something. How flexible are you or can you be to accept what is possible or the best possible scenario for your family? How strong have you made yourself through taking advantage of practices of the heart and other techniques that lead to acceptance. Acknowledging that you have done the best you can under the circumstances and accepting the result will make a smoother transition moving forward. It will be a continual practice of releasing and sharing control. How flexible are you or can you be? Longevity and happiness require flexibility, acceptance, forgiveness and letting go.
Committing
What does it take to commit to the result and work towards honoring your agreement with good faith, good nature and willingness to adjust to a new normal? How much can you forgive the past and look forward to a future of cooperation? These are all skills that can be practiced and mastered. It’s what makes a better life for us anyway. This is an opportunity to make life smoother for ourselves and others.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/shutterstock_53881393.jpg3791000Dona Cullenhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngDona Cullen2023-06-29 09:00:482023-09-06 16:23:35More on Negotiation in a Collaborative or Mediated Divorce
I’m worried that my partner might not be fair to me in the divorce process. How can we try to work together in a peaceful process but still make sure I am taking care of myself?
Divorce is stressful and scary so your question is a very typical one. You (and your partner, if willing) should schedule a consultation with a Bridges Divorce professional and learn about your options for working together on a peaceful divorce that takes care of the needs of all family members (especially children). “Bridgers” are all very experienced in helping individuals and couples find the best option to fit the unique circumstances of their family and, after consultation, will advise you whether it seems like your situation is a good fit for a non-court process.
If there has been a major breach of trust (such as an affair) is it even possible for a couple to work together on their divorce?
Yes, it is possible for couples who start with a low level of trust in each other to work together in a process that will be both sale and transparent. While such work is not always easy, it is usually much less stressful and expensive than using the court model.
Wait! We never got married ~ but now we’re having troubles over the children and splitting-up property. How might Bridges work for me?
Oregon and Washington do not have “common-law marriage.” You could go to court and have all the “fun” of a typical Divorce (all without starting out with a happy wedding day <<grinn>>), but most folks can find better solutions with a different option. You (and your partner, if willing) should schedule a consultation with a Bridges Divorce professional and learn about your options for working together on a peaceful transition that takes care of the needs of all family members (especially children). “Bridgers” are all very experienced in helping individuals and couples find the best option to fit the unique circumstances of their family and, after consultation, will advise you whether it seems like your situation is a good fit for a non-court process.
How can we decide whether Mediation or Collaborative Divorce fit our situation best?
All Bridges Divorce professionals are experienced in both Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. A consultation (by phone, email or virtual) to discuss your family’s specific situation is the best way to determine which of these peaceful options is the best fit for your family.
Once a couple has made the decision to part, they have different divorce options available. Which one they choose depends on their own personal situation.
The Do-It-Yourself-Divorce
A do-it-yourself-divorce is also known as the “kitchen table divorce.” The divorcing couple does all the paperwork themselves and files the documents with the court. This may work when a couple has no unresolved issues between them and can easily make their parting decisions together. They should consider having individual attorneys look over the agreement before it is filed with the court to make sure they did not miss any key issues and that they understand their rights and obligations.
Mediation
In Oregon, mediation is when a neutral third party sits down with the couple and helps them negotiate the issues that need to be resolved. The mediator can cannot give legal advice to either party. The mediator can tell the couple what other divorcing couples have done in similar situations, but the couple must ultimately make their own decisions.
When the settlement has been committed to paper, some mediators with a legal background will draft the paperwork. They will suggest that each party have their own attorney review the paperwork before it is filed with the court. If the mediator does not have a legal background, they will refer the couple to a lawyer who can draft the paperwork for them or the parties will draft the documents themselves (see DIY, above). Couples may also hire attorneys to attend mediation sessions with them.
Litigation
Just a frustrated judge….
Litigation is an adversarial process, which also results in more antagonism than other divorce options. Each party hires his or her own attorney and attempts to resolve all issues through back-and-forth negotiations. Sometimes, a mediator is called in to help. If the issues cannot be agreed upon by the parties, the case goes to trial. Then, the parties have no control over the final decisions; instead, the judge will make the decisions for them, and they must abide by all court orders. Because the parties have no control over the outcome, this can result in the parties continuing to fight long after the trial is complete.
Collaborative Divorce
A collaborative divorce is a non-adversarial process. The goal is for the parties to come to mutually agreed resolutions of their issues as amicably as possible. When children are involved, the attorneys assist parents in making a parenting plan that accommodates the needs of both the children and the parents.
Each specially-trained Collaborative Attorney is still an advocate for their client, but the attorney is more like a diplomat, there to help the parties’ sort through the issues and come to solutions that are best for their family. Neutral parties are called in to assist when necessary. For example, a third person with a financial background may assist with asset division. And a mental health coach is often an automatic party to the Collaborative team to assist with challenging emotional roadblocks.
A Collaborative divorce is a method that is the most efficient for most divorcing couples and families. The parties do not need to have everything figured out before entering the process. They can add in any additional professionals as needed. And, they can still have the advocacy of their own attorneys, without feeling the pressure of the courtroom.
For information on divorce options, or to discuss any aspect of your need for assistance for your divorce, contact us at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
Location – It’s important to find a private, quiet space where you can focus and hear without too much distraction. Sometimes, it’s the car, and other times, a den or patio works well. Try to think about best areas for reception, good lighting, as well as privacy. Decide whether you’d like to be in the same room as your spouse or partner or participating separately. There are pros and cons to each approach and it’s best to talk through logistics ahead of time so everyone feels comfortable.
Test your equipment – Whether trying to Zoom in on your smartphone, laptop, or office desktop, it’s important to feel comfortable with your equipment and have the latest internet browser or apps downloaded in advance. Ask your host for a practice Zoom or virtual meeting if you are unfamiliar with the platform they are using. At our office, we are happy to do a practice session at no charge with you to test it out. Remember to test your camera, your audio (microphone and speaker) as well as internet bandwidth. If your bandwidth is low, you may need to practice calling into the virtual meeting with your phone, in lieu of computer wi-fi for the audio.
Meeting Invite – Copy and paste your meeting invite into your calendar or notes so it’s easy to click on or access at “go time.” If your host hasn’t sent one ahead of time, it’s ok to ask or let them know you haven’t seen it as there may be confusion or messages landing in SPAM.
Food and Water – Grab your favorite snack and beverage ahead of the meeting as you may find yourself needing hydration or energy and immersed in a longer meeting than planned. You can always ask for a “bio break” during the meeting, but it will feel great to have food and water at your fingertips as well.
Background – It may sound silly, but test out your camera in the background to make sure lighting is sufficient and there is nothing too personal or private in the camera’s view. You may even play with virtual backgrounds if you have a newer computer and this feature is enabled. Older computers tend to have distracting “ghosting” around our heads. There are “light rings” you can purchase if you find lighting isn’t sufficient where you hold your virtual meetings.
Microphone – Remember to mute yourself when you’re not speaking during the meeting so that keystrokes, pen tapping, and other background noises are limited and you can feel comfortable making sounds without distracting the meeting.
Breakout Rooms – If you think you might need to have a separate / private virtual room apart from another participant (during a high conflict divorce, for example), ask your host if he or she can enable that feature ahead of time. They may need to adjust settings on their end or upgrade their service and test it out so it goes smoothly during your meeting.
Screen Sharing / Multiple Screens – It helps for a productive meeting to have a second screen, if possible (one for document viewing and one for seeing live faces in the meeting). It will also help if you open any important documents ahead of the meeting and have those windows open to be able to share them with meeting participants, if needed. The host may need to enable your screen sharing.
Recording – If you are unsure of whether the meeting is being recorded, it’s important to ask since some types of meetings (mediation, for example) are supposed to be confidential and not advisable to be recorded. If there are concerns about desiring or not wanting to have a recording, it’s best to go over these protocols in advance of the meeting so there are no misunderstandings.
Timing – Let your host and other participant(s) know whether you have a “hard stop” on the time for the meeting to adjourn, so your agenda can be carefully prioritized and your most time-sensitive questions or concerns are addressed. Creating an agenda is also important in the event of connectivity issues during the meeting so that the most pressing issues can be addressed first.
Please reach out to anyone at our office if you have questions about other aspects of virtual mediation and how to help it be successful for your family. We are here to help and want to make it less stressful for everyone involved, as it’s already a difficult time for most meeting participants.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/Yoga-Headphone-Computer.jpg420628Tonya Alexanderhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngTonya Alexander2023-04-04 14:00:422023-04-11 22:54:17Top 10 Tips to have a Successful First Virtual Divorce Mediation or Collaborative Session
When you go through the divorce process, you will need to address all of the same issues regardless of the process you choose. When you are choosing between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce, you are choosing how you want to discuss those issues.
There are many similarities between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. Both are premised on good faith, full disclosure, and creating mutually beneficial agreements. There are several differences between the processes, but the main difference is which professional(s) you work with to resolve your case. Both processes frequently use child specialists, financial specialists and/or divorce coaches. This article focuses only on the role of the mediator and Collaborative attorneys.
Mediation
In mediation, clients work directly with a neutral third party – the mediator. Mediation is usually a series of “three way” meetings involving both clients and the mediator. The mediator does not represent either client and has an equal duty to both clients. Mediators can provide legal information to clients, but they cannot provide legal advice. Legal information includes what the rules are in Oregon, how they may apply to your situation, and (potentially) what a likely range of outcomes would be in your situation. Legal advice is a recommendation about what you should do in your situation. Mediators cannot provide you with legal advice (even if they are an attorney).
Attorneys are often involved in the mediation process, although they don’t have to be involved. Clients often consult with attorneys prior to mediation or in between mediation sessions. Attorneys will sometimes be present during mediation. This happens more often when a case is litigated (i.e., going through a traditional contested divorce process), but that doesn’t necessarily have to be the case.
In Collaborative Divorce each client is represented by their own collaboratively trained attorney. The collaborative team meets together in series of “four way” meetings, although these meetings may also include other professionals if you are working on a “full team” case. Collaborative Divorce usually does not involve a mediator, although sometimes it does. The job of the Collaborative attorney is to educate and advise their client while also providing negotiation assistance. You can learn more about the role of the Collaborative Law attorney here.
Which Process to Choose? The main difference between the two processes is working with one neutral third party vs. each person working with their own collaboratively trained attorney. There is not necessarily a ‘right’ process, but here are a few things to keep in mind:
Legal Advice. Do you feel like you need legal advice as part of the process? Mediators are prohibited from providing legal advice, although they can provide legal information. You can still obtain legal advice as part of mediation; it’s just usually done in between meetings. Your Collaborative attorney, on the other hand, is with you every step of the way and is there to provide advice if you need it. There are differences of opinion amongst professionals about the role of the law in the Collaborative Divorce process, but that discussion is beyond the scope of this article.
Negotiation Assistance. When you think of negotiating on your own behalf, what comes up for you? Is that a comfortable idea? Is it stress-inducing? Anxiety provoking? The job of the mediator is to facilitate the negotiation and to empower both people to effectively advocate on their own behalf. A Collaborative Divorce attorney, by comparison, would be actively negotiating with you and for you as part of the Collaborative process.
Increased Support. Sometimes one person prefers mediation and one person prefers Collaborative Divorce. In that case we usually recommend choosing the Collaborative process rather than mediation. If one person prefers Collaborative, it is usually because they feel like they need a heightened degree of support or assistance that their own attorney can provide. Generally speaking, we’d rather have both people get added support if there is a need for it by one client rather than have someone need an increased level of support and not get it (i.e., by selecting the mediation process). You can still have the support of an attorney in mediation, it’s just that your attorney tends to be more involved in your Collaborative Divorce case than if they are just consulting in between mediation sessions.
One useful way of deciding between mediation and Collaborative Divorce is to schedule a joint process consultation with a member of Bridges. A joint process consultation is an opportunity for both of you to sit down with one person to discuss which process will work best for your family. These meetings are limited just to discussing these process options – you will not be negotiating at a process consultation.
The members of Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions offer both mediation and collaborative services. Many of us offer joint process consultations if you need help deciding which process makes the most sense for you and your family.
~~
Randall Poff, Retired Collaborative Attorney and Family Mediator
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/07/gavel-law-book-and-goddess-holding-lawer-scales-on-book.jpg6671000Randall Poffhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngRandall Poff2023-03-07 11:00:202023-10-13 17:12:17Choosing between Mediation and Collaborative Divorce
I picked up a little book at my daughter’s house last week while riding out the ice storm and long power outage here in Oregon. The author was Thich Nhat Hanh, a beloved peacemaker. The title was How to Fight. * How can that be??
Thay (his familiar name) points out when someone says something unkind, we want to retaliate right away. That’s where the fight begins. He reminds us that our usual responses create neural pathways in the brain, making these responses habits. Thanks to advances in neuroscience, we now know the brain has plasticity. We can change our minds, our brains and the way we feel by creating new habits and neural pathways. This is very important for those who want to have a Collaborative or mediated divorce. And new habits need to be established from the very beginning to keep the process peaceful, informative and productive.
How not to fight? We can begin to notice our habitual responses and change to more healthy habits. The good news is we all have the inner tools and we just have to cultivate them. It’s an inside job. And like anything else worthwhile, it doesn’t mean change is easy.
The first step is to stop. Take a pause. Notice the thoughts racing for that comeback. Take a breath, or a few breaths, maybe slower and deeper than normal. Settle down. Bring yourself to calm before you respond.
This is easy to say and very hard to do, that is until you have practiced it and gotten past the inertia of the normal pattern. It’s like stopping a train hurtling down the track of that very familiar pathway. But that pathway has never made us happy in the long run, even though it might have felt satisfying in the moment.
What does it cost to take those few extra moments to break the momentum? It can be as hard as jumping in front of a speeding train and putting our hand out to stop it. It takes tremendous personal energy and strength at first, until it becomes more natural.
What do we miss by allowing a break before a comeback retaliation? We’re likely afraid we might lose the fight, but what we gain is actually much more powerful and influential. We give ourselves the time to think and to formulate an intelligent response. That intelligence gives us more than hurling back a “smart” or angry comeback. It’s from a deeper understanding, maybe ultimately from a place of wisdom where we recognize we are out of control.
What do we gain by the pause? First, and perhaps foremost, we allow our nervous system to relax and balance. This has a significant physiological effect on our well-being, our health and our longevity. Every moment we allow ourselves to center and come to balance, we become more coherent physically, emotionally and rationally. If we can do that, we have an effect on the other person which can bring them into coherence and balance and rationality. Ultimately the other person will respect the strength and courage it takes to restrain and self-regulate when it’s necessary and not to remain driven by primitive impulse.
This is the “Fight.” It takes all our strength to stop our response and have it go onto a different track. For the engineer of a train, it’s called a “switch.” When we are internally self-regulating it’s called a “choice point.” It’s a moment in time where we create an opportunity for ourselves. We give ourselves a break, a moment to calm and then think of the better response. Normally that response is a question rather than a statement. The question comes from curiosity to try to understand the other person and the source of their emotional state, need or opinion. This is a reflection which causes them to start to notice what’s going on within themselves and to see and make friends with their inner world.
Thay uses the analogy of wanting to make a cold room warmer. It doesn’t happen by the warm air fighting the cold air to push it out. Just by radiating warm air into the room it becomes warm. This was a very apt analogy as my husband, and I had huddled in our cold apartment. We wanted to push the cold air out, but the ultimate answer was to be in the presence of my daughter’s wood stove which radiated soft heat into their living room.
Over the years we professionals at Bridges have looked for ways to guide families through the process of restructuring with peace and understanding. Peace is possible. It begins inside each of us. We will do our best to do that for ourselves so we can help you get there too.
*How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh (Parallax Press, 2017)
The following are a few thoughts and some guidance on how best to prepare for your first mediation appointment. It is often a stressful time, so a little preparation can help alleviate some of the anxiety and fear going into the mediation process.
1)Take the pressure off yourselves. The first mediation session is purposefully designed to be low conflict and low pressure in order to assess individual and family needs, questions, interests, and goals as well as building a foundation for a successful mediation outcome. During this initial meeting, typically between 1 and 2 hours in duration, you can create a roadmap together with steps and “action items” for each participant to move forward toward resolution and implementation of any agreements. You may also address any time sensitive issues or concerns and brainstorm solutions during this first meeting and assess what other resources, if any, are needed.
2)Choose format for first session. Inquire with your chosen mediator whether he or she hosts in person and/ or virtually. Think about and choose the best option for all involved.
3)Goal setting. Ask your mediator for a handout or resources for ideas on typical topics that arise in separations and divorce, or if you have a different situation inquire about any preparation materials. It will be helpful to get more comfortable talking about your short- and long-term goals around issues such as housing, finances, and children (if applicable). It may also alleviate stress to practice talking with a friend, family member, or therapist about your vision and goals.
4)Begin gathering documents. This is optional ahead of mediation, and there is no requirement to bring in documents at your first session. That said, having a good sense of a “high level” overview of family finances such as approximate or average incomes, types of assets and debts, and overall current cash flow situation is helpful to share in the first stage of mediation. This will help to better assess what resources or tools will be most efficient completing mediation. For example, getting acquainted with employee benefits such as stock options, whether a pension is vested, as well as life insurance details will help in preparedness for mediation.
5)Keep an open mind. One of the barriers to a successful mediation can be one or both participants (or the mediator) having a rigid or fixed mindset on the division of assets, debts, or the payment of support. Often, issues are intertwined and creative solutions may be available to meet the approval and acceptance of all involved (including the court’s necessary approval in some areas). It is most helpful in mediation to allow brainstorming of different scenarios and “what ifs” as all discussion is confidential and without risk. Once options are exchanged, then proceeding with evaluating and prioritizing what feels acceptable or not may be more effective to allow for the maximum likelihood of success.
6)Coaching or therapy. Sometimes barriers occur in the ability to communicate or be heard effectively, especially in the stressful family law transitions with often raw emotions and high conflict. Please reach out if you or a family member could benefit from talking to a divorce coach or mental health professional such as a therapist. A divorce coach is a professional trained to help people process any emotions surrounding a family issue and help provide support throughout the stages of separation or divorce if needed. Coaches and therapist can work with one person or both as well as children depending on the professional and scope of his or her role. In some cases, an employee assistance program (EAP) or health insurance may be utilized to reduce out of pocket costs.
7)Legal consult. This is optional at any stage of mediation. In my experience working with families over the years, feedback from clients is having an initial consultation with a collaborative attorney ahead of a mediation session helped create a smooth path for mediation to move forward with less conflict. This attorney can also review drafts of documents ahead of signing and filing. Please keep in mind each professional may only assume one role (either mediator or consulting attorney). Bridges Divorce members are happy to provide a list of recommended collaborative attorneys or mediators if helpful.
Please reach out to anyone at our office if you have questions. We are here to help and want to make it less stressful for everyone involved, as it’s already a difficult time for most participants.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/1st-Mediation-Sessons.jpg408612Tonya Alexanderhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngTonya Alexander2022-10-20 10:20:452022-11-04 12:22:24Preparation Ideas for your First Mediation Session
Many family mediation matters are handled effectively by a single mediator, but there are also situations when two professional heads working together are better than one.
Co-mediation involves two trained professionals (usually one lawyer and one with a mental health or financial background) working together with the family as a 4-person settlement team. If the case involves difficult emotions or complex issues, two mediators with different professional backgrounds may assist the couple to reach better, faster and more enduring agreements. For example, financial decisions may be intertwined with emotional or kid-focused issues. Two mediators take turns “in the lead.” and can be better able to observe and keep notes. Two mediators help ensure that both parties remain engaged and feel heard in the process, even when the circumstances of the case make that a challenge. Co-mediation allows mediators with different backgrounds and varied skills to work together in a complementary way to provide a full range of assistance that many families require. Alternatively, family members may mediate with the professionals in separate sessions, depending on the topic or work needed.
Engaging two mediators will most likely cost more than a session with just one professional.
However, co-mediation can offer tremendous synergy to the family and may result in a more efficient, effective process. Most families using co-mediation remark that the additional expense was value-added and well worth the marginal cost. Families should have access to a full range of peaceful options to help them address their unique challenges. The Bridges Professional(s) that you consult with can discuss co-mediation with you and your family to see if this option will best fit your needs, or whether another option, such as collaborative method or pure mediation is preferable.
If you have questions about co-mediation, or any other issue concerning divorce or separation, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander Collaborative Attorney & Mediator Alexander Law, PC 1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410 Hillsboro, OR 97006 503-531-9109
Finances – Gather information on your monthly expenses, income, and cash flow needs on a monthly basis. To help with this task, there are free sites such as www.mint.com that can categorize spending and help you understand your monthly budget. Many banks and credit unions offer this service as well. It’s also a great time to meet with a financial adviser to better understand your financial situation and how to save and plan for the future.
Kids – Start thinking about your vision for co-parenting and how these new roles will be to help your child or children thrive and minimize the negative impact of divorce. Inquire about parenting classes for divorcing parents offered in each county. Statistics from the court show the earlier each parent completes these courses the greater the likelihood of avoiding litigation and co-parenting with success. I also recommend meeting with a child specialist or parenting coach to optimize communication and ease the transition of your family and children during this difficult transition.
Home – Start thinking about your goals and vision for the future, and whether you agree on selling the family home, buying out your spouse’s share of equity, or continuing to co-own in some manner after divorce. Gather information on value of home, mortgage(s) and any lines of credit attached to the home.
Debts – Run free annual credit reports to better understand any and all debts and liabilities outstanding as well as credit score for possible re-finance or loan. One site that seems user friendly is www.myfico.com but there are many others you can find as well. You may consider closing unused joint accounts and trying to simplify and disentangle debts.
Tip for unemployed spouse looking to transition back into the workforce – I highly recommend meeting with a vocational coach or career services staff at a local college to explore initial steps to develop a plan for re-entry into the workforce and different educational plans and career paths.
Family business – If you have an ownership interest in a family business, it is a good idea to organize your accounting and books to make sure everything is up to date and in order. It’s money well spent to hire a good bookkeeper or accounting firm to help set up QuickBooks accounts or assist in bookkeeping.
Taxes – If you have any past years in which you have not filed taxes, it is crucial to meet with a CPA or other tax professional and catch-up to current year.
Retirement accounts – Try to avoid early distributions or withdrawals from retirement accounts prior to divorce or legal separation. I highly recommend obtaining legal advice for any possible creative solutions to avoid penalties and look at all available options.
Communication – Most importantly, in my opinion, is the ability to maintain open communication and transparency, so there are no surprises or changes from the “status quo” without discussion and agreement. Family coaches and mediators can help facilitate these discussions in a safe and confidential environment. Also, think about using the collaborative team approach if you would like to have more support and advocacy than mediation offers while still staying out of court and meeting family goals. Coaches can be utilized in both mediation and collaborative models.
Bottom line is separation and divorce don’t have to be awful. It takes hard work and compassion to keep the process peaceful, and we have a community of collaborative professionals here to help. We are peacemakers at heart, looking to help families avoid the pain and cost of litigation.
Disclaimer: Content of this article is not intended as legal advice and it’s strongly recommended that you consult with an attorney licensed in the state in which you reside if you have legal questions.
If you have questions about peaceful separating, or any other issue concerning family or divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander Collaborative Attorney & Mediator Alexander Law, PC 1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410 Hillsboro, OR 97006 503-531-9109
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/21820717_xxl-min-e1489194654601.jpg8541280Tonya Alexanderhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngTonya Alexander2022-06-08 14:00:462022-10-25 18:54:31Tips for families to prepare for a Peaceful and Cost-Efficient Separation
Peacemaking means processing differences in a way that results in resolution. It’s not the absence of conflict. It’s an appreciation of conflict as an opportunity to rise to a higher level of function and satisfaction.
Conflict comes up naturally within ourselves and in relationship to others. It’s caused by unexamined habits, unmet needs, differences of opinion, personalities, perspectives, interests and values. It arises because of expectations and things that happen in life we can’t control or understand.
Inner conflict manifests as anger, jealousy, fear, anxiety and other conscious or unconscious emotions. Failure to resolve inner conflict results in ways of being that create discomfort for others and dysfunction in relationships.
The coming together in marriage is a time of peace and confidence. We expect to live happily ever after. But this peace is short-lived and is predictably disturbed by life and living in relationship.
Facing conflict is how we learn and grow. Not processing it properly means ongoing personal and relational dysfunction and pain. Learning and using peacemaking skills to resolve conflict results in ongoing growth, harmony and happiness.
In peacemaking, differences are expressed, heard and integrated into a higher peace. This higher peace is based upon new perspectives that are more inclusive. It transcends the personal to larger goals and deeper satisfaction.
How Is a Peacemaking Process Different?
Problem Solving Approach
Mediation and collaborative processes use a method of negotiation called “interest based” problem solving. It’s not the usual thought of bargaining, outwitting, overpowering, puffing, threatening and even bullying.
Interest based negotiation has these steps:
Information gathering in a neutral way with full and voluntary disclosure
Each party being able to express their own interests and listen to the concerns of the other in a safe, confidential environment without reaction or criticism.
Together creating options to meet the interests of each as closely as possible.
Choosing the best option after analyzing the strengths, weaknesses and feasibility of each.
Committing to the option chosen.
Getting Help from Other Professionals:
Family issues are emotional, relational and financial as well as legal. Peacemaking processes take all of this into account. We work with families through each of these areas in a targeted and efficient manner, seeking to meet the needs of each situation. The natural complexity of issues, concerns and experiences for our families is recognized and validated. Coaching is available for each aspect.
Unbundled Services:
Lawyers can now provide what is called “unbundled” services. With informed consent on your part, we can assist where you need help. A high percentage of people choose to go through a court process unrepresented, particularly in family law. This is due to expense and the fear lawyers will unnecessarily polarize and/or complicate matters. That being said there are things a lawyer or other divorce professional can help you with. We can now coach, share information and encourage on an as needed basis.
What Makes Us Different?
Peacemaking being our passion is what makes us different. We have worked together for a long time to build this potential and make this service available. We regularly meet, share and support each other in improving our skills and have for the past 10 years. We believe in peacemaking, in ourselves and in your potential to choose a process that can have enduring positive consequences for your future.
Call one of our professionals to see the difference for yourselves.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/1111151254-960x1280-600x800.jpg800600Dona Cullenhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngDona Cullen2022-04-02 15:00:342023-09-06 16:24:25We, at Bridges, are Peacemakers
As obvious as they are, the elements of a constructive divorce become obstructed from view by the emotional intensity of the experience. It is all too easy to stop caring about what happens and start justifying destructive behavior. It is easy to get trapped in spiraling hostilities.
Copy this, print it out and paste it on your mirror (from “Between Love and Hate” by Lois Gold, pp. 55-56).
Take responsibility for regulating your behavior, regardless of what your partner does.
Separate your emotions from the decision making process.
Separate your job as a parent from the conflicts with your partner.
Accept responsibility for your contribution to the break-up.
Learn to understand your partner’s viewpoint.
Be willing to negotiate, compromise and cooperate in resolving your differences.
Make a commitment to an equitable and non-adversarial settlement process.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Chasm.jpg720720Dona Cullenhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngDona Cullen2022-03-30 11:30:122023-09-06 16:24:34How do you “bridge” the chasm between you?
A divorce coach is a mental health professional – often a psychologist or an LCSW – who assists the client to effectively move through the divorce.
The “divorce coach” is unique to collaborative law.
There is an emotional component of divorce that must be addressed, in addition to the legal component. In fact, the emotional divorce is often more complex than the legal divorce. In traditional litigation, emotions are legally irrelevant i.e., ignored. In a proper collaborative divorce, emotions are fully considered.
The divorce coach does not perform therapy. Rather, the relationship is a short-term intervention aimed at helping a client confront the emotional hurdles involved in divorce. Divorce coaching can involve working on a number of skills needed to navigate the process. A few of these skills include:
effective listening;
effective communicating;
learning how to speak-up for oneself;
identifying interests; and
recognizing how your behavior impacts others.
THREE REASONS WHY YOU NEED A DIVORCE COACH
Divorce Coach will help you get clear and get you out of the “stuckness” you may be feeling.
A Divorce Coach will listen, then help you set goals and plan for the future.
A Divorce Coach will hold you accountable and keep you moving forward, even when it feels too difficult and you want to say ‘enough!’
“A Divorce Coach works for YOU!”
Divorce coaches can help clients address difficult topics too, such as substance abuse issues, infidelity, leaving or having been left and issues related to money.
VIDEO: NBC’s Today Show on Collaborative Divorce (older, but still accurate!)
Because Collaborative Divorce Solutions is client-centered ~ Divorce coaching is client-centered as well. Clients can choose to have a divorce coach or not. One coach can work with both clients or each client can have a coach. Rarely only one client has a divorce coach and the other does not. It is important to realize that the entire family benefits, even if only person is receiving coaching. It is beneficial for the whole family because the issues of one person often effect the entire family and the entire collaborative negotiation.
The American Rescue Plan Act of 2021 was signed into law on March 12, 2021 for the purpose of addressing the financial fall out for so many families from COVID 19. The provisions range from agriculture and nutrition assistance to education and health care, housing and homelessness, business loans, unemployment and tax provisions as well as state, local and tribal financial assistance.
What does it have to say about divorce issues? Probably most directly it involves stimulus payments and tax benefits for supporting children and their care, so adults can go back to work.
Stimulus Payments. A new round of stimulus payments, the full amount of $2,800, will be sent out to taxpayers who have adjusted gross income of less than $150,000 per year if filing jointly; and $1,400 for those earning less than $112,500 per year if filing head of household or less than $75,000 per year if filing single. In addition, $1,400 will be paid for each dependent child under the age of 18 at year end. These payments phase out if income is above these thresholds.
Child Tax Credit for 2021. The child tax credit for 2021 will increase from $2,000 to $3,000 per child up to age 17 and will increase to $3,600 per child under the age of 6. This increased child tax credit phases out for income over $75,000 ($150,000 for joint returns). The child tax credit is fully refundable for single parents who have no income tax liability. That means they will get a check from the government for the amount of the credit. This will change the assumption that the child dependent status should go to the higher earner. The refundable portion of the tax credit can also be prepaid by the government on a monthly basis between July 1, 2021 and December 31, 2021 so people have the use of that money earlier.
Child Care Credit. The child care credit, which gives a credit against taxes for a percentage of child care costs for children up to age 13, increases to 50% of expenses up to $8,000 for 1 child and $16,000 for 2 or more children. So, the maximum credit in 2021 is $4,000 for 1 child and $8,000 for 2 or more children. This is $3,000 to $6,000 more than the credit in other years. And if you don’t owe any tax, this is fully refundable by check from the government as well. The trade-off is that for very high-income taxpayers the credit can be reduced to zero.
Earned Income Credit. The value of this credit increases temporarily in 2021 and the income qualifications have been loosened.
Unemployment Insurance relief. The Act created a $10,200 tax exclusion for unemployment compensation in the tax year 2020 for those with incomes under $150,000. It extends enhanced unemployment insurance until 9/6/2021, including the extra $300 Federal Pandemic Unemployment Compensation. This is also extended to self-employed, gig workers, freelancers and others who would otherwise not regularly qualify for unemployment insurance.
Limited to 2021. Most of these benefits are limited to 2021 unless reauthorized by Congress.
As CDFAs we use specialized software which takes into account these changes as they impact negotiations on support and other financial issues relative to divorce and separation. However, this is no substitute for expert tax advice.
As many divorcing couples with children are facing extraordinary economic hardships due to COVID 19, these provisions should provide some short- term economic relief.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Stimulus-check.jpg6271200Dona Cullenhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngDona Cullen2021-04-07 10:00:282023-09-06 16:24:44What We Should Know About the Stimulus Package of 2021
Intel is one of Oregon’s largest employers and has several different retirement benefits for their employees. Here is a list of the different plans that may exist (depending on hire date and position within the company):
Intel 401(k) Savings Plan: This is a defined contribution retirement account plan all Intel employees should have. Please note that it is SEPARATE from the plan below in #2 and must be divided separately if this is the agreement of the parties or the court order. It can be confusing when someone looks at the Fidelity statement, as there is a “total balance” listed, but you must ascertain the breakdown of the 401k and Retirement Contribution Plan (if listed). Hence, there is a separate cost for Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) for both the 401k and Retirement Contribution Plan described below. As a family law mediator and collaborative attorney, I try to help families streamline their retirement account and asset allocation to limit costs and QDROs to a minimum if the numbers are able to work out; The average flat rate fee for each QDRO is $600 paid to a pension attorney after the divorce, so this adds up quickly if parties unknowingly write up an agreement to divide multiple retirement accounts in a divorce. I recently helped a family modify an agreement where they had plans to divide 5 different plans, and we helped reduce it to 2, saving the family $1,800 in pension fees alone. This plan also has a new Roth election, so look carefully at the Fidelity statement to determine the percentage (if any) of Roth holdings vs non-Roth tax deferred holdings. One caveat to understand is Fidelity will not approve QDROs where a certain percentage of Roth requested to transfer is different than the non-Roth component – it must be the same percentage for the whole portfolio.
Intel Retirement Contribution Plan (formerly called SERP): This plan is available to some Intel employees depending on hire date and this is another Defined Contribution Plan with a cash balance shown on the Fidelity statement.
Intel Minimum Pension plan; This plan is a defined benefit plan with an option for lump sum payout or monthly benefits and employees can look up an estimate of value through the Fidelity website. It is being phased out and it is my understanding only employees hired before 2011 are guaranteed payout. This is one that is hard to predict future payout so often families decide to divide any future monthly payout to eliminate risk of uncertainty, and this requires a court order called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO). I highly recommend working with a family law mediator or collaborative law professional to coordinate this with a pension attorney for a smooth and efficient process.
Intel SERPLUS pension plan: This plan is relatively rare and a non-qualified retirement account reserved for certain executives or highly compensated employees.
Other benefits Intel employees may have that fall outside of retirement, but are investment assets relevant in a divorce proceeding include Unvested Restricted Stock Units (RSUs), Vested RSUs, and stock purchased through Employee Stock Participation Plan (ESPP) twice a year. It’s very important to review the detailed vesting schedule to determine the value of unvested shares vs. vested shares as well as what may be held in ESPP shares through E-trade account. This is a complex area of the law and important to consult with a family law attorney, mediator with experience in this area, and/or a CPA or CDFA ( Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) to better understand the various options for valuing and dividing both unvested and vested shares. Another component that can be tricky to evaluate is what income should be attributed to the Intel employee for the stock benefits. We often work through these issues in mediation and collaborative divorce method to help each family arrive at a solution that feels fair and equitable to both parties.
Some Intel employees have Health Savings Accounts and it’s possible to transfer or divide this account if needed or offset it with another asset. SERMA retirement health savings accounts also exist for some employees hired pre-2014.
A lot of families choose to offset retirement with other assets such as a house or business. It is important to look at the differences in whether an asset is tax deferred (non-Roth retirement accounts) versus another asset such as cash in a savings account. In mediations and collaborative family law cases, we often go through different scenarios to show the estimated future tax impact on various settlement options to find one that best fits each parties’ long-term goals and to avoid surprises in the tax area.
I highly recommend consulting with an attorney, CPA, or Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) with experience in Intel cases to ensure an efficient, fair, and smooth separation or divorce. There are many pitfalls to avoid, information easily missed inadvertently, and it’s costly and stressful to re-open a divorce case after the fact if something wasn’t done properly.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/image.png8001200Tonya Alexanderhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngTonya Alexander2021-01-11 10:00:302022-06-22 17:02:11Retirement Basics for Divorce – Part 2 – Intel Plans and related benefits, as of September 2020
Television shows and movies often depict divorces as being highly contentious. Each party does his or her best to make the other one pay, both financially and emotionally. In real life, it does not have to be that way. Many couples are now doing their best to divorce with their own dignity intact and with respect for their ex-spouse. They work together so they can effectively co-parent in the future and perhaps have lasting relationships with both sides of the family.
Considerations for Divorce with Dignity and Respect
One of the most important things each party needs to be aware of is the need to be transparent. Avoid surprises. Neither party should make any unilateral decisions about any aspect of the divorce, for example about finances, childcare, or any matter. Instead, have an open and honest conversation with your spouse about your needs related to those issues. Invite your spouse to share their own thoughts about those issues as well. Once you each understand one another’s goals around an issue, you can brainstorm solutions together.
Even if both parties agree a divorce is in their best interest, ending a relationship involves feelings of loss and a grieving process. In my experience, it is rare for both parties to go through the grieving process at the same pace. For example, the spouse starting the divorce may have already completed the grieving process, while the other spouse is just beginning to go through it. Both spouses need to keep in mind that it is difficult to be fully present and respectful when going through the grieving process.
When this happens, my advice is to slow down. Respect one another’s pace. Imagine yourself five years down the road, looking back on your divorce and how you want to feel about the process. Think about how you would like your children to tell their friends about their experience of their parents’ divorce. This exercise can help you stay focused on achieving a positive outcome and inform your decisions along the way.
How a Collaborative Divorce Assists Couples to Divorce with Dignity and Respect.
At the beginning of a Collaborative Divorce, the couple commits to first avoiding contentious litigation and to treat each other with respect. The parties work together to build their Collaborative team, who will help them stay on track. In addition to each spouse having their own Collaboratively trained attorney, there are neutral professionals that can also help with this, such as divorce coaches, child specialists, financial specialists, and mental health professionals.
At Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions, we are a group of independent family professionals who are all separately licensed or certified in various professions. We are lawyers, divorce coaches, and mental health specialists. Our group also includes child specialists and certified divorce financial advisers [CDFA]. We are all dedicated to helping you divorce with dignity and respect.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/12/Dignity-and-Divorce.jpg6671000Joanna "Jo" Poseyhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJoanna "Jo" Posey2020-12-28 11:00:262022-11-21 18:23:56How to Divorce with Dignity and Respect
Is it possible to start and complete a divorce during social distancing and “shelter in place?” orders?
Short answer is, yes. 100% of a mediated, collaborative, or uncontested “kitchen table” divorce can be done remotely through phone, email, and video conferencing. Our office has been utilizing Zoom video conference as a resource for almost a decade for families where one or both participants are in a remote location (Costa Rica jungle coffee shop divorce for example!). Several years ago, I participated (along with several other BridgesDivorce.com practitioners) in an intensive six week training held by a company called Wevorce where the platform was designed to have multiple neutral professionals (financial, legal, and mental health/ parenting) working with the families remotely via video conference throughout the entire case. Through these trainings and subsequent successful virtual co-mediations, we’ve been able to help families who could not participate in person. Virtual co-mediation or collaboration will be especially helpful with our current social distancing requirements.
Fortunately, the court is still “open” for processing and approving legal documents including divorce and family related. This is all done through electronic filing straight to a judge’s computer for signing after initial clerk’s approval. Document signings by clients, court filing, and parenting classes can also be done remotely, but it will likely be difficult for families to navigate the technical hurdles and obtain court approval without help of a mediator or collaborative attorney. For remote signings by clients, it is helpful to have a printer and scanner, or we can use regular USPS mail if needed.
Families in higher conflict situations, however, needing the court’s assistance with hearings, temporary orders, or trial, will unfortunately face delays or logistical challenges until the courts are able to be functional remotely. As of this writing, the courts are closed for all but emergency or restraining order hearings. In the near future for litigation, all participants (attorneys, experts, judges, clients) will likely need to appear by video or phone conference until it’s deemed safe to physically appear in court for a hearing or trial. There are many questions remaining on evidence procedure, exhibits, testimony, and custody evaluations (in person contact usually required). My recommendation for higher conflict families is for clients to obtain legal advice and encourage your attorney to utilize virtual “attorney assisted” mediation or arbitration if needed. There are built in features to web conferencing software for “private meeting rooms” for attorney and client during a collaborative session so it can be productive and still have capability for caucusing or 1:1 discussion during mediation.
What is required for virtual mediation or collaboration to take place?
The only requirements are for each participant to have a smart phone OR computer with internet service and audio (built in speaker or external speakers) and web cam. Most newer computers have built in web cams, or use your smart phone if your computer is not equipped with a web cam. A quiet, private space is also helpful whether it’s a room in your home or vehicle safely parked. Having a pen and paper nearby is also helpful to take notes, but not required as meetings can be recorded for later playback.
Should we hold off on pursuing a separation or divorce because of COVID-19?
This is a very tough question and deserves much thought and consideration for each family and the multitude of potential impacts on moving forward versus maintaining the family “status quo.” Sometimes, prolonging separation can be even more difficult for families if there isn’t a roadmap or plan in place to move forward toward goals, disentanglement, and healing. However, it’s even more important in these uncertain times that all are mindful of health and safety for the whole family. I recommend families consider talking to a marriage counselor, parenting coach, trusted pastor, or therapist to help navigate the difficult emotional dynamics as well as timing and logistics of any possible changes or decisions impacting the family unit. It can also be helpful to talk through the potential legal topics with a mediator or collaborative attorney in a “planning session” for peace of mind as well as helping to get organized for future decision making.
One option during this stressful, difficult time is to come up with temporary agreements and a family plan to address each person’s needs with ability to modify as changes take place. We can help prepare mediated settlement agreements to track agreements and add accountability if this is a concern. A mediated settlement agreement is a private contract between parties and not filed with the court, except for enforcement or issue of attorney fees if litigation is necessary. We can also “pause” the process at any point and track progress with partial mediated settlement agreements.
One substantial impact of COVID-19 is the recent stock market volatility, and many clients are concerned with proceeding with a divorce with division of retirement or investment assets. One clarification to ease concerns is that divorce related retirement divisions and transfers (if done properly – please consult an attorney) do not liquidate or sell underlying investments or stock. Instead, an agreed upon percentage (50% for example) of the account is separated into the other spouse’s account via Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) or IRA transfer after divorce judgment is signed by the court. Often this segregated portion is rolled into a new or existing IRA, or there are exceptions allowing penalty free withdrawal under certain circumstances. This is a complex area with tax ramifications and requiring specific legal documents, please use caution and consult a divorce professional to learn more about options. There are ways to have early cash disbursements without penalty after divorce, and it’s likely more of these distributions will be needed as COVID-19’s financial impacts worsen for some families.
Do we still have to take required parenting classes in person to get court approval?
Answers to this question vary by county and information is changing daily. Washington County, for example, has canceled their April classes, but is reaching out to currently enrolled families for possible in person May classes. Some counties already offer an online option post-Covid-19, such as Multnomah County, and we may be able to obtain approval on a case by case basis from judges based on individual circumstances for online parenting classes to satisfy court requirements.
What should I do if I need to modify my divorce or separation judgment that’s already signed by the court?
In Oregon, most spousal support orders are modifiable by statute unless specifically stated in your judgment as “non-modifiable.” Child support is also modifiable if it’s a current order (not past due arrears). It is imperative to seek legal advice if you believe substantial changes have occurred such as a job loss, health status change, income change, parenting plan change, childcare cost change, health insurance availability, etc. As orders cannot be changed retroactively (unless mutually agreed in writing and signed by the court), it’s crucial that anyone impacted by a change requests modification as soon as information is received. Most courts require an attempt at mediation first before having a court hearing, and sometimes this provision is built into a divorce judgment requiring mediation. It is also important to preserve your rights on timing of the changed support obligation in the event mediation is not successful, so please consult an attorney for legal advice as soon as feasible.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/shutterstock_1624635628.jpeg5631000Tonya Alexanderhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngTonya Alexander2020-11-30 10:00:502022-11-21 18:23:37What should I know about divorce during COVID-19 in Oregon?
As a Mediator and Collaborative attorney, I only work with clients who want to avoid court and resolve their issues themselves, on a mutually fair basis. This gives me a window from which to see and hear many interesting, touching stories of couples who are determined to be their best selves, while at the same time struggling with broken hearts, stretched finances and the many practical challenges of separating. Divorcing parents have the added task of managing their kids’ emotional adjustment to the family’s restructuring.
Here’s one impressive example I’d like to share:
In a Collaborative Divorce, each spouse has an attorney but agrees that neither lawyer will under any circumstances take the matter to court; if the process breaks down (which is rare), the attorneys are disqualified, and new litigation counsel must be retained. The Collaborative process looks and feels much like a co-mediated case, with the clients and both lawyers working together in group meetings as a “settlement team” to find the best possible win-win-win solutions for the family.
A while back, I was representing a wife in a Collaborative case with a very close colleague representing the husband. Before we began, each spouse had developed some very beautiful goals to guide their work together. One of wife’s goals was that there would be no “sides” in the case, since she felt that everyone should be on the same side – that of caring for the whole family (especially their kids).
Our first meeting was at the other lawyer’s office, which has a rectangular table. Husband was already seated on one side when we arrived. I sat across the table from him and wife sat down next to me. After settling in, she then looked up, and realized that she was now on one side of the table, while husband was on the other. Without a word, she got up and moved across so that she could sit next to husband before we began our work. From that point on, the couple sat together for all of our team meetings. Wife had literally walked the walk to stick to her important family goal of avoiding taking sides.
This couple promised each other that they and their kids would always remain a family, now and in the years to come, despite their choice to divorce. That commitment required that, in addition to resolving their finances, these partners had to keep in mind this important relational piece of their work together. This sweet couple continued to hug, fist-bump, and occasionally bicker as they successfully worked through the issues of their separation and divorce in a series of team meetings. At the end, they laughed and cried in appreciation at what they’d accomplished together.
They taught me something very important: In a family-centered divorce, there really, truly is only one side. I’ll continue to share their important insight with all those I have the honor of helping divorce peacefully.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Bridges_Jim-OConnor.jpg6671000Jim O'Connorhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJim O'Connor2020-11-08 09:00:142022-11-21 18:24:29There’s Only One Side in a Collaborative Divorce
Co-parenting after a breakup is difficult to begin with. For many families, the holidays are an emotionally charged time and add another layer of stress. On top of that, this year parents are still dealing with COVID-19, including concerns of minimizing exposure across households and navigating periods of quarantine. On top of all this, many parents find themselves faced with the new challenge of educating their children while also working from home. All of these stressors can create a powder keg of emotions for parents. At Posey Legal, P.C., we have some tips parents might find helpful.
Review Your Current Co-parenting Agreement
Before you get into the throes of the holiday season, make sure you know what your current holiday plan is. If you have a written parenting agreement, dust it off and read it with fresh eyes, making sure the agreements you made when your plan was drafted still make sense in light of all the unforeseen changes that have come our way in the past year. Ask your co-parent if they are still on board with the plan as written. If you feel it needs to be changed or adjusted but your co-parent disagrees with you, seek the help of a mediator or family law practitioner early on while there is still time to adjust the plan so that it works for your family’s unique circumstances. In either case, be sure that you and your co-parent have the same understanding around the holiday parenting plan well in advance of the day of your planned trip to spend time with your family.
Communicate… Which Means Also Listening
If you went through the Collaborative Divorce process, you learned some communication skills to use now. Listen to what your co-parent says to be sure you understand exactly what they mean. You may need to repeat back what they tell you to be sure you really understand what they are saying.
An example is to listen to what your ex-spouse has to say. Then, say, “Is this what you mean?” If the answer is, “No,” repeat the exercise until you understand for certain what the other parent means. You do not have to agree with what your they are saying but letting them know that you hear them and understand what they are trying to communicate builds a stronger foundation for making parenting decisions together.
One big topic that may come up is about travel and being with groups during this holiday time with COVID-19 looming over everyone’s holiday plans. How is travel going to be handled? How do both parents feel about visitation with the other parent’s extended family visits? These are hotbed issues that need to be resolved ahead of time.
Keep Focused on the Best Interest of the Children
Put yourself in your children’s shoes. Think about what they are going through and how they feel about traveling back and forth during the holidays. You want to encourage them to have a relationship with the other parent and with that parent’s extended family. Pick your battles and focus on everybody having a good time. Try to be flexible and understanding. Your kids will be much happier if you can avoid nitpicking and having a tug-of-war with their other parent over time spent with them.
Collaborative divorce and vocational coaching is often a positive and transformative experience for divorcing women and men, usually an overwhelmed and vulnerable group. Men and women who are angry at being left behind after sacrificing their futures, career wise and financially, are inspired by connecting with a sense of purpose that also pays the bills. Partners who felt isolated and demeaned during their marriage begin to feel less depressed, hopeless and start taking positive action.
The stay-at-home spouse, who threw time management out the window to be available to her higher earning mate and the family, sees a reason to prioritize her time and get organized.
Assessing ones’ deeper interests and values in career counseling fashion, brings clarity to what matter’s most. Considering career options that are a match for your findings and that allow you to build a life and community in relationship to those interests can change everything.
When a particular career life option starts to make sense to my client; they are coached to research what it takes to succeed in those fields, to consider potential salary and benefits, along with the required education and training.
Self-esteem grows as my clients play out their deeper values and interests; it feels good to know and remember what’s truly important, then plan and act accordingly. When they find others who share what matters most to them, they develop confidence that things may turn out all right after all. Connecting with a community that allows you to develop and apply your preferred skills, qualities and talents towards a sustainable future can feel like a miracle, in the midst of a devastating time.
The positive impact of finding a paid and purposeful career direction for the stay at home spouse ultimately benefits every family member. Lowers the blood pressure and financial risk for the earning spouse long term, increases stability and security for all and provides positive role modeling for kids — Inspiration to find a job and educational path that is both personally meaningful and bankable.
Raising a family for 15, 20 to 30 years, carrying and executing the mental load of the stay at home parent is skill building. These abilities can transfer nicely to the business world, but divorcing and getting back into the workplace is a huge call. It involves understanding and learning to manage the overwhelm baked into the process. There are a lot of pieces to put together. You’ll gradually move back into the driver’s seat you used to know, though it’ll feel different, for sure.
Let’s try managing the overwhelm around going back to work while divorcing, the way your hairdresser approaches your hair cut, by creating sections. Take time to consider each item separately and how they overlap. Create a plan for how you’ll address your needs in each area and develop a sense of readiness to develop and consider career options.
Are the kids OK, have the support they need?
Time management; learn to prioritize time for yourself.
Transportation adequate?
Need a computer and/or computer classes?
Wardrobe; what do you need to be school or job ready?
Health good, exercise and self-care routines established?
Personal support in place; friends, family, therapist, group?
Co-parenting schedules drawn up to support you going back to school and work? Perhaps extra support during finals week and/or job search.
It can be hard to think clearly about work choices, if your ideas and values were put down by your soon to be ex-. Do you doubt being successful at work because criticism and undermining during the marriage took a toll? Not that it was constant and maybe it wasn’t there in the beginning. It’s been enough, though, to leave you struggling to trust yourself to make the complex decisions you find yourself walking towards today.
To get started, volunteer and get your confidence back. Many of my clients feel surprisingly strengthened by their interactions in the world outside their homes; in entry-level jobs, community and volunteer activities. Sharing key values and interests is eye opening and gives rise to hope that a good future can be made, if one just has the chance. Determination creeps in as the network grows. Persistence overcomes obstacles as the way forward comes together with a plan. Developing organization and structure that supports you and your goals brings added assurance.
There you are, now talking to an advisor at PCC about the requirements to obtain a certificate or associates degree, or at PSU to obtain a bachelors. Or perhaps typing up a resume for an opening in the organization you’ve been volunteering for. The overwhelm is still there at times, but so is the delight and excitement about the road ahead.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/Barriers.jpg9491000Gail Jean Nicholsonhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngGail Jean Nicholson2020-09-16 10:00:112022-11-21 18:25:10“Overcoming your barriers to even thinking about going back to work. During a divorce…”
Here’s my final critique of this movie: a basic lack of common sense exhibited by the various participants.
What Were Nicole & Charlie Thinking?
How could such empathetic people possibly allow their family to be hi-jacked into a painful, expensive legal process that neither wanted?
Why were they so darn passive about what was being done to them?
Recognizing how important each other was to their son Henry, how could they be so clueless about how living 3000 miles away would impact their child?
Fortunately, my experience as a mediator and Collaborative attorney is that divorcing couples in real life are rarely so oblivious. The overwhelming majority with kids accept the shared responsibility to put children first as we re-structure our family.
Where are the Therapists?
As with most of us who divorce, Charlie and Nicole are trying to survive one ofthe greatest challenges of their lives. In one scene, Nicole angrily tells her mother (who obviously still cares for her son-in-law) “You can’t love him anymore!” In another, Charlie melts down and screams that he wishes Nicole were dead. These poor folks are clearly in an emotional and spiritual crisis.
So…. why did they apparently never consult their own therapists or a child specialist? Did it never occur to either of them, or any of their family or friends, that they should such basic help?
In Marriage Story, we see lots of potential building blocks that could have helped this couple but were ignored. They showed a lot of care for each other: Nicole helped Charlie choose a sandwich during a tense attorney meeting; Charlie rushed to her home during a power outage and Nicole ended up cutting his hair; Nicole, after agreeing to flex the parenting schedule to provide more “dad time”, tenderly tied Charlie’s shoe while he cradled a sleeping Henry. At the end of the movie, Charlie reads Nicole’s appreciations of him aloud to Henry, reinforcing that this boy is free to love both of his parents fully. After the lawyers move on to their next case, this family has a long and promising future together.
The philosopher Theodor W. Adorno wrote:
“Divorce, even between good-natured, amiable, educated people,
is apt to stir up a dust-cloud that covers and discolors all it touches.”
What if these nice people had that dynamic normalized for them and were offered the skilled guidance they needed to see through the inevitable emotional haze of their breakup? What if peaceful divorce professionals had committed to helping Charlie and Nicole recognize their strengths instead of their weaknesses? What if they had been reminded of the decades, they had ahead of them as a re-structured family?
Conclusion.
What’s most frustrating to me about Marriage Story is that it ignores all that we’ve learned in the last 40 years about helping divorcing families. It unnecessarily scares couples into thinking that, should they be among the almost 50% of us who divorce, they will be inevitably sucked into a vortex of recrimination, expense and pain. And, as I’ve had to reassure frightened clients over the few months since the movie’s release, that’s simply untrue. Peaceful divorce is not only possible, it’s becoming the norm in our society through mediation and Collaborative Law. I just wish this film had offered that good news instead of the unrealistic horror story it portrayed.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/couple-on-beach-sunset.jpg6651000Jim O'Connorhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJim O'Connor2020-03-16 08:00:582022-11-21 18:21:40Why I Hated the Movie “Marriage Story” Part 3:
In my first installment, I gave a synopsis of the film and noted the bad, and even unethical lawyering that was shown. Now, I’ll describe more ways the movie failed to show the peaceful processes that are currently being used by a majority of divorcing couples.
Collaborative Law vs. the Adversarial Legal System.
As kindly attorney Bert explains to his confused client Charlie, “We have to prepare to go to court so we don’t have to go to court.” This is akin to the idea of preparing for war to avoid war. Yet, that is the essence of traditional legal practice: in nearly 100% of cases, advocates prepare for a trial (at great emotional and financial costs to their clients) when less than 10% will actually end up before a Judge.
The crucial game-changer in the Collaborative process is that both lawyers commit that neither will ever appear in court. This frees the attorneys to focus all their efforts, skills and experience on achieving win-win, family-centered solutions. As a foundation for this work, the parties list their goals from the process. When kids are involved, the reality is that the divorcing adults will necessarily have an ongoing relationship as co-parents, probably for the rest of their lives. Peaceful divorce professionals recognize the need to assist our clients in managing their current pain so they may maintain the bridges that will continue to connect them with their children, and all family members with their soon-to-be former in laws. Our job is to help folks navigate the rough waters of their break-up, to a better future on the other side.
Mediation in Real Life.
Marriage Story provided only a very limited, unflattering look at mediation. We never learn how Nicole and Charlie chose the process and only one very brief session is shown. The mediator was presented as a sort of hippie-ish stereotype. While I loved his homework for these parents to write appreciations of each other, he completely fails to effectively tap that rich resource of good will. Several times, the mediator pushes Nicole to read her comments about Charlie (which we know from the opening voice-overs to be very sweet). Yet it is absolutely clear that she is simply not ready to do so right then. What a terrible box this unskilled mediator puts her in: ready or not, be vulnerable enough to list all the wonderful things about the husband and co-parent whom you have decided to divorce.
It was both disrespectful and ineffective for the mediator to pressure Nicole in this way. Why not table the appreciations and just ask both to keep in mind the many wonderful things they like about the other during the ongoing work of re-structuring their family? Maybe they could have emailed their comments to each other to be read and absorbed in a safer, more private way. Instead, this treasure trove of mutual love and respect was wasted when it could have helped transform the experience of their divorce.
Well-trained mediators accept and support their client wherever they happen to find them. Generally, over time, as the pain and stress levels decrease, things often soften between partners. In Marriage Story, the mediator’s failure of empathy essentially ends that peaceful process and sends the family to the battlefield of litigation. I’m frustrated at the film’s failure to offer a more realistic and hopeful portrayal of mediation which in 2020 is the most common method that couples are choosing to divorce.
Stay tuned for the final installment of my review of Marriage Story: Nicole and Charlie’s many missed opportunities for an easier family transition.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/b_w_rings-in-book-shaped-like-a-heart.jpg6681000Jim O'Connorhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJim O'Connor2020-03-09 08:00:112022-11-21 18:21:28Why I Hated The Movie “Marriage Story” Part 2:
Marriage Story is an excellent film with a tremendous cast, including Scarlett Johansen (Nicole), Adam Driver (Charlie), Laura Dern (attorney Nora Fanshaw), Ray Liotta (attorney Jay Morotta) and Alan Alda (attorney Bert Spitz). Now, I want to explain why I absolutely H-A-T-E-D this movie’s presentation of what divorce looks like in 2020.
First, a brief synopsis: Nicole and Charlie are married with a young son, Henry (maybe about nine years old). The movie opens with their voice overs offering very sweet appreciations about why they love and respect each other as partners and parents. Only later do we realize that this was an assignment from their divorce mediator. They initially promise each other to avoid lawyers, but their attempt at mediation quickly collapses. Nicole hires shark lawyer Nora. After briefly consulting older, amiable Bert, Charlie is served with papers and eventually retains his own alpha-attorney, Jay. These litigators enthusiastically lead this caring couple into a street fight of mutual recrimination – at great cost to their dignity, mental health, finances and, of course, their ability to co-parent effectively while at war with each other. In three installments, I’m going to describe why I think Marriage Story showed a terrible model of divorce to the almost 50% of us who will someday go through that transition.
PART 1: THE LAWYERS
Kindly Bert explains that “criminal lawyers see bad people at their best; divorce lawyers see good people at their worst.” Even if that’s a oversimplification, it raises a crucial question: what should the roles of family law attorneys be? This question is especially important when the clients clearly care for and respect each other and have many years of co-parenting ahead of them. My answer: family law attorneys’ contributions should be the exact opposite of what these cinema litigators offered.
Rather than ameliorating the pain of their clients, the lawyers (especially Nora) offers a theme of mutual outrage, pouring salt into the wounds of each, until they are in an escalating legal war that neither wants nor can possibly benefit from. Both attorneys re-frame their clients’ life together into a barely recognizable litigation story that seeks to exploit each partner’s human foibles. Nowhere in these dueling narratives is there any appreciation that these folks had many years of shared love, a home and a beautiful son. Nora in particular remakes Nicole’s legitimate frustrations from the marriage into a larger morality tale of victimization. As Nicole describes her experience, it seems that her dreams and ambitions may well have been neglected by Charlie in the pursuit of his own career, leading to the end of their marriage. But, instead of referring Nicole to a therapist to process her hurt, Nora weaponizes it for a possible courtroom victory.
At times, both spouses seem bewildered to hear the story their respective lawyers tell about their partner and the marriage they shared. After a tough court session, Nicole asks Charlie why he switched to a more aggressive attorney. His reply: “I needed to get my own a**hole.” What if neither had chosen such an advocate?
Perhaps the most galling example of bad, even unethical, lawyering is when Nora proudly explains the details of the final settlement to Nicole, which includes a schedule that gives her the majority of parenting time. Nicole asserts that she had only asked for a 50-50 plan, but Nora smiles and says, “I just didn’t want him to win!” This lawyer who will likely never meet little Henry has decided that he should be a notch in her belt, regardless of her client’s wishes.
These cinematic lawyers never seem to ask what is right about the other parent, only what is wrong. In one scene, Nicole coerces her sister into serving divorce papers on Charlie at a family gathering; yet a few hours later, they are able to lie down together to read to their son. How would this family’s experience have been different if the lawyers had built from their many positives (as we do in Collaborative Divorce)? In real life, there’s a truism that peaceful divorce practitioners follow in domestic disputes, “All family members will win or lose together.” It was maddening to watch my profession portrayed doing what it did to all three of these family members.
In my next BLOG installment, I’ll cover the film’s portrayal of an adversarial legal system and how it missed the mark on the true value of divorce mediation.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/black-n-white-couples-hands.jpg6671000Jim O'Connorhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJim O'Connor2020-03-02 08:00:572022-11-21 18:21:17Why I Hated the Movie “Marriage Story” Part 1
Staying sane during this time of COVID-19 has become a challenge for many people.
The stay-at-home order first put in place last April was particularly difficult for some of my clients who were working on their divorce, but still living in the same home. Almost suddenly, they were trapped 24/7 with each other and their children. Conflict was high and everyone in the family was suffering.
For some couples, staying sane requires pursuing their divorce. That is still an option at Bridges Divorce group. Meanwhile, I have come up with some suggestions designed to help families through this difficult time.
Establish Routine and Structure to Your Daily Family Life
Creating a structure is helpful for both children and adults. Some things to consider are:
How many hours of the day does each spouse need to work?
Do the spouses work outside the home or are they both now working remotely from home?
How old are the children? What do they need?
How many hours of the day do you need to work with your children since they are not in school?
Day care options are almost non-existent. There are only a few summer camps. Make a list of things the children can do. Put it on the kitchen wall so all can see it.
You may need to have an art station and a place for the kids to interact online with their friends. Maybe the kids can get together with friends in a backyard. Get them headphones so they can listen to stories.
Check out the many creative ways parents are working together to create safe pods or home schooling allowing kids to have social interaction and/or to learn together.
Take Care of Yourself
Find a place in the home that is just for you. Even if it is just a small corner, make it a place where you can do your work without being disturbed. Set a time for this and agree with your spouse that she or her will be responsible for the children during this specific time.
Spend less time watching the news. Find positive things. For example, watch a podcast. Download a free meditation app. Spend happy hour with your friends via Zoom. Take walks with a friend. Schedule time for yourself to do something that will bring you joy. Make a list for yourself of things that will give you pleasure, allow you to breathe.
If you are struggling with depression or anxiety, there are counselors available who can help.
Improve Basic Communication
When couples are in so much conflict, whether they are planning for divorce or not, it is difficult for them to have a productive conversation. Many need facilitation, I have been able to help couples with this and there are many other mediators who are able to help facilitate these conversations.
It is helpful to avoid making assumptions when in conflict with your spouse or partner. Instead ask questions, check out your assumptions. If you can take a little time away from the children and talk through the issues, staying sane is at least a little bit easier.
For more information on divorce options during this time of COVID, or to discuss any aspect of your need for assistance with your relationship during this difficult time, Contact Us Here at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
What is resilience? Resilience is the capacity to prepare for, recover from and adapt in the face of stress, challenge and adversity. These challenges are certainly present in divorce.
Stress is present in daily life to an ever increasing extent, from technology and the speed at which we expect ourselves to perform. Stress inhibits our brain function and affects everyone around us. It saps our energy and makes us unhappy, reactive and depressed. Does this sound familiar?
What has been discovered fairly recently is that positive emotions can reduce stress, help us relax and think more clearly and strategically. It helps with executive functioning and makes things more tolerable. This means moving attention from the head to the heart on a regular basis when aware. It’s what we do in meditation or when enjoying time in nature, with music, reading, relaxing. It’s self-care. That’s why it’s important. It makes what we have to do more tolerable or enjoyable and more productive,
Moving from the head to the heart on a regular basis charges our batteries so we have energy reserves when stress hits. We can even raise our baseline for tolerating stress. It’s called emotional regeneration. This is all helpful when going through divorce. It can make the experience very different from what you would expect.
The effects are physiological. Taking attention away from the head and focusing on the heart and positive emotion balances the autonomic nervous system and the hormonal system.
It’s the balance of the sympathetic and parasympathetic parts of the nervous system and the cortisol (fight or flight) and DHEA (anti-aging) of the hormonal system. We feel better and more hopeful. That spreads to the others involved in the process as well.
A simple way to achieve this balance is by breathing in an attitude adjustment. You can practice different attitudes you want to develop. You can tell yourself to breathe in courage, or ease, or forgiveness, neutrality, dignity or whatever attitude you need. Simply focus on the area around your heart and breath these feelings or attitudes in and out for a few minutes at a time as often as you think of it.
This will enable you to think about the best interests of all involved and will make each person happier with the result. That means a more satisfied family moving forward, even though reconfigured.
On August 19, 2017, portions of Oregon and the U.S. experienced the once in a generation experience of a total solar eclipse. I had reservations at a state park on the path of totality and then a month or so before the event, a friend suggested I come to rural Idaho which was also on the path. I tried to give away my camping reservation to my teen son and friends, as well to several other friends, but I could not find a taker. I assumed that this prime camping spot was going to go to waste.
I’ve been mediating with a divorcing couple for more than 3 years. They have been separated that entire period and the husband had re-partnered already. Their case has been the most unusual of the 500+ I have handled. They have assets spread literally across the globe, lived overseas for many years with business and investment ties there, have assets that are very difficult to value and while they clearly have great support and affection for each other, they bicker almost every time in our 10+ meetings. Sometimes one of them has failed to show up for meetings or appeared an hour late. One or both has been unprepared at times, or suddenly changes his/her mind. Yet, they do basically trust each other and put they teen-aged kids first at all times.
This feisty, unusual couple has been one of my more challenging cases, and one of the most fun. Despite their periodic tension, there is a core of love that they share from their amazing life together. They switch from arguing, to joking, to laughing together very easily. They are fun, super interesting people stuck in a marriage that they needed to end. Our meetings feel more like a connection with old friends than clients at this stage.
Then, finally, they suddenly and relatively quickly resolved their remaining issues with a compromise that fit them and that, we all joked, would drive lawyers crazy for being too vague, and relying too much on their sense of humor and mutual trust. We had one final meeting to sign the documents, which included a little bit more bickering, some tears, shared memories, jokes and a really sweet poignant end to the process. I gave them both orchids to mark the end of our work together. True to form, they insisted on taking selfies together with their flowers. And, I mentioned to them that I was heading off to see the eclipse and could not give away my reserved campsite. A few days later, Husband emailed asking if he could have the campsite, to which I easily agreed. I assumed he would be going with his new partner.
The eclipse was amazing from my Idaho mountain and I shared photos with friends and family and got a few in return. Including . . . a wonderful, fun photo of my eclectic clients and their kids all together in a big pile on a hammock at my Oregon campsite. They looked like the happy family they will continue to be, divorced but still connected, forever.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/Solar-Eclipse-used-in-Bridges.jpg6371000Jim O'Connorhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJim O'Connor2019-11-18 13:00:212020-12-07 15:14:18Total Eclipse of the Heart
Child support is an important topic when divorcing couples have children under age 21. Parents have a lot of questions about why it must be paid and what the funds will be used for. One of the advantages of the Collaborative Divorce process is how we assist our clients so that they have a better understanding of the many facets of child support. First, we try to better understand a family’s goals, needs, and budgets. We can then collaborate to create an individual plan that will work for the entire family and that will be approved by the court.
Oregon Law, Child Support, and Creative Solutions
According to Oregon law, it is mandatory for parents to fill out a child support worksheet with the Uniform Child Support Guidelines formula attached to their paperwork. If a child support order is left up to a trial court judge, it will be limited to considering only incomes, spousal support (if any), work-related childcare, percentage of time-sharing with kids, health insurance premiums, and the base amount of child support itself. This does not always meet a family’s needs or goals.
There are ways we can personalize the plan and provide the court with more details. We talk about the children’s specific needs and family budgets. There are different categories of expenses to consider when working to establish a monthly child support sum. For example, we take into account:
Special interests of the children, like swimming lessons, piano lessons, and other extracurricular activities.
Whether private school tuition is desired.
How sharing flexible time with the children might impact child support in a way that honors co-parenting, with a customized plan that fits both parent’s budgets.
What the long-term goals of parents and children are ~ Are they interested in establishing a college fund, or continuing to fund an already established plan?
Whether they want a more comprehensive healthcare plan than one required by the court.
Whether they agree that one parent should stay home to care for young children.
Determining resources and routine expenses (including tuition which may only come up once a year)
Our collaborative teams often use budget-based software called Family Law Software that has a lot of tools for us to use in assisting families who will now have two households to run on the same income they used to use for just one household. We want to be sure the plan we settle on is one that is going to meet the needs of the parents and the children.
To learn more about how to structure your child support agreement through the Collaborative Divorce process, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander Collaborative Attorney & Mediator Alexander Law, PC 1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410 Hillsboro, OR 97006 503-531-9109
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/shutterstock_176500682.jpg6671000Tonya Alexanderhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngTonya Alexander2019-08-22 11:00:422021-02-19 14:15:46How Can I Better Understand Child Support In Oregon?
Child support can be a confusing and sometimes contentious issue between parents who are faced with the termination of their marriage. Often, divorcing parents confuse child support with spousal support, which is a very different issue. The two topics should not be discussed together as one lump sum but addressed separately. One reason is that modifications of each issue are handled differently and there may be legal ramifications to mixing the issues together. Here are some child support tips for parents who are attempting to work out this issue:
Child Support for Children Ages 18 to 21 (child attending school):
Oregon law concerning children ages 18 to 21 who are in school more than half time is somewhat complicated and governed by statute. Consulting a licensed attorney and working with a collaborative team is important to understand how to meet the child or children’s needs as well as the agreement being approved by a judge. If you just utilize the presumed guideline formula online (https://www.doj.state.or.us/child-support/calculators-laws/child-support-calculator/), it will presume both parents shall pay the college age child cash child support each month. This is not typically what parents desire in my experience. The Collaborative divorce team works with parents, along with a financial professional (CDFA) when helpful, to construct a written agreement that will meet the child’s recurring and periodic needs. This agreement must be structured in a way that will get the court’s approval as well.
Consider the Specific Needs of Each Child:
Our list of child support tips includes looking at the different categories of the individual child’s needs. This includes considering costs of healthcare, school related, childcare, (where applicable), and extracurricular needs. For example, if a child is involved in sports, takes music lessons, has special needs that require tutoring, or other needs that require funds, we recommend having a list of those items before sitting down to discuss child support. The meeting can be more productive if those costs have been determined prior to the settlement meeting.
Childcare related issues:
When filling out the Oregon child support worksheet, some parents will put in a specific amount for daycare cost. I don’t typically recommend doing that unless parents are not able to communicate or cooperate well. Daycare needs tend to fluctuate, especially in summer months, or with infants, toddlers, or preschoolers, and the amount ordered by the court at one time may be modified when the needs change later. We can discuss alternate ways to apportion childcare costs between parents in a way that meets the family’s goals with less restrictions.
Parenting Time Credit:
One area frequently asked about is how to calculate time a child or children spend with each parent as these ties into the child support guideline amount. I usually start with the question of how much time a child typically spends with each parent when not at school or childcare and try to better understand actual costs the parents are incurring while caring for the child or children. It’s important to better understand the goals and nuances of the family’s parenting plan when talking about this issue instead of going straight to a positional discussion of “how many overnights” does a parent have with a child. The Oregon statute also allows parents (or the court) to look at shorter blocks of time (such as 4 hours) if a better fit to analyze what’s equitable in parenting time percentage.
Modification Process:
When a support agreement is modified, that modification must be approved by the court to be enforceable.
Parents do not need to appear in court to have court approval, but they must file the modification legal documents with the court for an enforceable agreement related to child support.
Meeting with a Financial Analyst:
We recommend meeting at least once with a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA). We include a financial professional on our collaborative divorce team. This professional will work with both parents to discuss tax implications, budgeting, or other financial issues that they have not yet considered.
If you have questions about child support settlements, or any other issue concerning divorce or separation, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~~
Tonya Alexander Collaborative Attorney & Mediator Alexander Law, PC 1925 NE Stucki Ave Ste 410 Hillsboro, OR 97006 503-531-9109
Negotiation requires listening to different perspectives that often conflict with how we see ourselves and our world. This is feedback. It’s hard to give and hard to take.
Why is feedback so hard? Because of our insecurities.
Why is feedback so important? For the mutual benefit of understanding, to make positive changes in how we behave and to grow.
What can we do to overcome the pain of feedback? The only way to face our fear of feedback is to engage in a process that fosters safe dialogue, including both deep honesty and empathy.
How can we safely engage in conflict (including giving and receiving feedback) in order to grow and improve our relationships? Relationships continue after divorce, especially if there are children. Learning to resolve conflict is an ongoing process for us, and our abilities positively or negatively affect our lives and the lives of those around us. People must feel safe to discuss their concerns and interests. Once fear of vulnerability is removed, people can aspire to their higher good and find excellent solutions.
How do we apply this to feedback? What’s required is a change of heart – from negative, evaluative feedback to appreciation. Try to find new truth in what is being said. Know it’s a process of understanding that each person is a culture and sees things differently. Build trust by buffering individual differences with feelings of appreciation, seeing the innocence and insecurity in others and understanding them. Take feedback with a mind open to change, new information, curiosity, and wanting to get better.
What are the tools?
Positive Affinity George Pransky in his Relationship Handbook says compassion is our innate, personal lubricant that helps us get along with others. When we feel compassion we are in a healthy state of mind and have the wisdom to know how to respond. It’s a blanket of warm feelings that protects us from the rough edges of personalities. It protects us from harsh self-judgment and raises our spirits. It allows the other person to regain a sense of security. We can bring out the best in others if they feel safe.
Trust Trust in oneself. Innate trust is defined by Philip Moffit as “the understanding that if you live mindfully moment to moment and have the intention to act according to your values even in difficult or confusing situations, your life will unfold in the most harmonious manner possible.” Innate trust is unconditional. It allows us to engage in feedback with understanding, empathy and compassion as well as the confidence to express our needs and set boundaries.
Non-Defensive Communication We know feedback is important for our relationships, our growth and our development. The key is to be able to deliver and accept feedback in a way that doesn’t provoke defensiveness. Sharon Strand Ellison, author of Taking the War Out of Our Words – The Art of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication, says we reduce defensiveness by using basic communication tools: asking questions, making statements and making predictions.
Questions: Asking questions with real curiosity and authenticity for the purpose of gathering information. A “safe question” is one that establishes the subjectivity of each person’s viewpoint and assists us in remaining separate from someone else’s judgment.
Statements:Making statements that are open and direct, being vulnerable and unguarded with no hidden agenda. We state our needs, desires and goals directly. A non-defensive statement is subjective, descriptive and lays it all out on the table. We no longer defend ourselves and try to control how the other person is reacting. It encourages accountability and clarification and results in personal growth.
Predictions: These are not threats or manipulations. With predictions we foretell what can be the consequences of certain actions or choices. They must be given with neutrality, be definitive and absolute. The function is to create security for ourselves and others through predictability. Predictions protect us and create clear boundaries.
As a psychotherapist and career counselor starting out in the mid-80’s, my biggest surprise has been how many people come in my office and complain not about their work, but about their dysfunctional workplace. They’ve talked and still talk about a lack of vision and organization among managers resulting in chaos and confusion, distrust among employees at all levels and cultures of toxicity that lead to high stress and health problems. A focus on productivity alone is behind decision-making that ignores a worker’s need for respect, to believe in what they do, manageable deadlines and a chance to speak out when problems occur.
I wish I had a nickel for every time someone said, “My company used to feel like family, it doesn’t anymore. I never see my manager and it seems I’m expected to do three jobs now.” Since I began my career, our country has seen the steady incorporation of management styles with an eye on short-term profits and efficiencies over quality. Not only has quality of life for employees suffered but it has wrecked havoc across industries from retail and health care to the manufacture of airplanes. Beginning in the early 1970’s a focus on paying profits to shareholders shifted the view of managers who were increasingly trained in MBA programs that emphasized financial gain for investors over benefits to customers, employees and community. Instead of creating full time jobs with health benefits, employee training, contributing to retirement funds and giving back to the community, we saw a trend to send good jobs overseas to increase short term dividends for shareholders.
My hope for future business dealings in Oregon and elsewhere stems from the way I see my clients and others put their deeper values and interests on the line in the workplace. From my socially oriented clients who prioritize wanting to “help people” to folks who want to “make something useful and beautiful for others,” I see many who want to care about what they do for a living. It seems to come naturally, as a part of a need to be our true selves in relation to the larger community.
“The promise of business is to increase the general well-being of humankind through service, creative invention and ethical philosophy. Business is the only mechanism on the planet today powerful enough to produce the changes necessary to reverse global environments and social degradation.” Paul Hawken
I agree with Paul Hawken, visionary, environmentalist, activist and entrepreneur; work is a place where we can change the world. But given the “eroding and precarious state of employment” (a phrase coined by Dr. David L. Bluestein,) as the impact of bean counters led by greed over the last several decades is felt more and more, it is the workplace itself that now needs our help.
Dr. Bluestein, an expert in the changes our economy is experiencing and author of soon to be published “The Impact of Work in an Age of Uncertainty: The Eroding Work Experience in America,” says a good way to keep a job today is to make caring and creativity your focus. He says this in part to steer those of us whose jobs are being taken over by robots into work that will always be around. But now there is another imperative, we must care and think at work if we are to maintain our very humanity and not turn into robots ourselves. David Graeber, in “Bullshit Jobs,” warns people negatively affected by their lack of meaning and purpose at work suffer from “depression, anxiety and a warped sense of values” and also points to “caring and creativity” as a way through our present dilemmas.
In closing I ask you, “What do you care about? What do you want to create?” And what might it look like if you were doing this at work? As I’m fond of saying, meaningful direction in career often starts as a small feeling, a feeling of caring, of being interested in something or falling in love with an idea. Trust your subjective experience. It is crucial to the process of discovering and growing your passions. As Barbara Sher, a well-known career author, says, “We are what we love.” You’ll soon notice a side benefit to caring and feeling more connected to others, a boost in self-confidence and a decrease in anxiety. So tune out any negative self-talk about your little idea not being important or good enough and get to work! The world is waiting.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/46429450_xxl-min.jpg45757382Gail Jean Nicholsonhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngGail Jean Nicholson2019-05-08 14:00:242022-11-08 10:56:54Help Create a Caring Workplace and Economy
Mediation is a way of resolving a dispute with the help of an impartial person (the mediator). The neutral mediator helps both of you discuss personal concerns and, if possible, reach a voluntary agreement. The mediator helps you both think about your individual needs and interests, clarify your differences with the other person and find common ground.
…got my hat, got my backpack ~ BUT, Don’t Go It Alone!
In mediation:
You are the decision-maker: the mediator has no authority to make decisions.
You determine the issues that need to be addressed: the mediator guides the process and maintains a safe environment.
The mediator uses and helps you to use active listening skills.
The mediator does not give legal or other professional advice to either of you. The mediator may help you think of options to consider, possibly with the help and advice of another professional.
Mediation is usually private. If not, the reason why is explained before beginning mediation. You have a right to quit mediation at any time.
Formal, adversarial, public OR thoughtful, cooperative, private: Which approach works for you?
Agreements are reached only when you both agree.
Mediation is sometimes described as facilitated or assisted negotiation. This option works best when the parties are able to sit together and, with the mediator’s help, develop problem-solving solutions on their own. Of course, some families will require more support than mediation provides (see“What is Collaborative Divorce?” page).
Bridges professionals are available to help families mediate their disputes, in a private, neutral and safe process. We have extensive training in negotiation and conflict resolution techniques. Our role is to ensure that the process remains respectful and works to develop “win-win” solutions that might not otherwise occur within the families.
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/ugnz0ho4.bmp348620Randall Poffhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngRandall Poff2019-04-15 15:00:282023-10-13 17:09:34Mediation as an Option
From the Multnomah Lawyer, January 2019 Volume 65, Number 1
by Anthony Blake YLS Pro Bono Committee
Early in life, James O’Connor realized he had an overarching desire to help people. He went to Georgetown Law School with the intent of using the law as a tool for change. After graduating in the Ronald Reagan era, O’Connor found himself searching for a job that allowed him to assist individuals and couples in finding solutions to the issues that many families face. So, he traveled to a rural part of Arkansas where he worked as an attorney for Legal Aid of Arkansas. His next stop was Legal Aid of Greater Cincinnati. At each of these locations, he had the freedom to combine his education and personal experience to brainstorm new ways of approaching old problems. “My early positions allowed me to attack the cause of problems instead of just spotting the symptoms,” O’Connor said. The on-the-fly experience he gained as a budding legal aid attorney would stick with him for the rest of his career. Eventually, O’Connor walked away from the family law arena and worked as general counsel for the International Union of Operating Engineers in Washington, DC. There, he provided various services to the union and its 4,000 members.
In 2006, he opened his own firm, Jim O’Connor LLC , in Northeast Portland where he works as a mediator and collaborative divorce attorney. After opening his firm, O’Connor wanted to re-connect with his family law roots in a way that he does not always get to experience in his daily practice. Thousands of miles away from the Arkansas Delta where he started, O’Connor became a volunteer at Legal Aid Services of Oregon. Since then, he’s found a way to volunteer at LASO at least once a month for the last 12 years. This commitment has allowed him to provide family law assistance to almost 200 clients. “Jim’s long-term dedication to assisting low income clients is truly remarkable. Jim provides critical legal help with family law legal issues and goes above and beyond to ensure low income individuals receive assistance,” said Jill Mallery, Staff Attorney/ Pro Bono Coordinator at LASO ’s Portland office. When asked why he continues to volunteer at LASO each month, O’Connor responded, “Family is everything to the people who come through the doors of LASO. They have the same issues we all have. Their feelings are real and they’re extremely appreciative of the services volunteers provide.”
Despite decades of helping hundreds of families, O’Connor remains grateful for every opportunity, “It’s a privilege to use your education to help people.” Without dedication from volunteers like O’Connor, a majority of the families at LASO would have to face the legal system on their own. He’s a great example of what it means to remain committed to finding a way to help the less fortunate, regardless of one’s career path. “On behalf of the hundreds of clients Jim has assisted, we thank him for his commitment to increasing access to justice,” said Mallery. Our local community is lucky to have him.
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals ~ Forum
19th Annual Networking and Educational Event
October 25 to October 28, 2018 The Westin Seattle, WA
Several of your Bridges Divorce professionals are back from the world collaborative conference in Seattle, Washington.
IACP is the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, an international community of legal, mental health and financial professionals working in concert to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.
More than 450 lawyers, mental health professionals, financial professionals and other Collaborative practitioners from several countries attended the Forum at the Westin Seattle.
Vision
Transform how conflict is resolved worldwide through Collaborative Practice.
IACP supports Collaborative Practice as a conflict resolution option worldwide by:
establishing and upholding the essential elements, ethical and practice standards of Collaborative Practice;
fostering professional excellence by educating and providing resources to Collaborative practitioners;
leading and integrating the Collaborative community; and
promoting the growth of Collaborative Practice.
To learn more about choosing Collaborative Practice for YOUR peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~
Randall Poff, Retired Collaborative Attorney and Family Mediator
Several of your Bridges Divorce professionals are back from the world collaborative conference in Lake Las Vegas, Nevada.
IACP is the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals, an international community of legal, mental health and financial professionals working in concert to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.
Vision
Transform how conflict is resolved worldwide through Collaborative Practice.
Mission
IACP supports Collaborative Practice as a conflict resolution option worldwide by:
establishing and upholding the essential elements, ethical and practice standards of Collaborative Practice;
fostering professional excellence by educating and providing resources to Collaborative practitioners;
leading and integrating the Collaborative community; and
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/MS-Sierra-Nevada-Bridge-800x250.jpg250800Jim O'Connorhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngJim O'Connor2016-10-31 10:00:342019-10-15 16:47:15IACP Forum, Lake Las Vegas
Your Bridges’ professionals took Veterans’ Day away from their offices to honor vets and learn from and with about forty local collaborating professionals. We spent the day engaged and engaging with our peers.
Tonya started the conference with her presentation on What? Why? How? When? The Essential Questions for Collaboration.
Dona was inspirational with her talk on The Power of Purpose.
Jim shared his personal experience with both a peaceful and non-peaceful divorce. His son remarked about the peaceful case, “Hey, Dad, it wasn’t that bad.”
Forrest gave the road map of his changing practice, from full service law firm to strictly collaboration and mediation, all without losing his “lawyer-identity.”
Gail spoke about her passion for Vocational Choice in Collaborative Cases.
Lee gave her own story, Helicoptering into the Fire (or, My Journey Toward Boldness).
Bridges professionals will always keep honing our skills, so your family can achieve the best possible results.
~~~
Jim O’Connor, Collaborative Attorney / Mediator 3939 NE Hancock St., Ste. 309 Portland, OR 97212 503-473-8242
Collaborative Divorce is so much more than simply negotiating out-of-court. Robin Williams used the collaborative divorce process and is said to have maintained an outstanding relationship with his ex wife. Said Williams during his 2008 divorce, “We will strive to be honest, cooperative and respectful as we work in this [collaborative] process to achieve the future well-being of our families. We commit ourselves to the collaborative law process and agree to seek a positive way to resolve our differences justly and equitably.”
Collaborative Divorce is a holistic approach to the complex process of divorce that can preserve time, money, and the health of the entire family moving forward.
To learn more about choosing Collaborative Practice for YOUR peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~
Randall Poff, Retired Collaborative Attorney and Family Mediator
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/Robin-Williams-720x800.png800720Randall Poffhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngRandall Poff2014-08-15 08:00:402023-10-13 17:00:47Robin Williams on Conflict
Dona Cullen has returned from Phoenix, Arizona / ASU Mercado, where she took a 2-day course on Facilitation Skills for Collaborative Professionals. Her instructors were Rita Pollak, JD and Catherine Tornbon.
~~~
Dona Cullen, Attorney at Law / Mediator Financial Neutral 5200 Meadows Rd., Ste. 150 Lake Oswego, OR 97035
https://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Sierra-Nevada-Bridge.jpg12003840Webmasterhttps://bridgesdivorce.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/BCDS-DE-Logo-e1511397900144.pngWebmaster2013-03-02 13:00:092023-09-06 14:41:20IACP Institute
Prior to January 1, 2012, Oregon law seemed to prevent “a quickie-divorce.” There was a 90-day waiting period between starting a divorce and time of trial or judgment.
The waiting period had been in effect since 1971, when Oregon adopted “no-fault” divorce. I think the legislators included this provision as a sort of “cooling-off” period, but almost no one I know of reconciled during the waiting period. With just a bit more paperwork, folks could reasonably and promptly end their marriage. For years, in appropriate cases, lawyers routinely asked the court to waive (skip) the waiting period, and this request was usually granted.
…so, now Oregon enters the 21st Century: Marriage is serious and divorce is not to be taken lightly. No one I know is ever thoughtless about ending his or her marriage. The waiting period just became an anachronism in modern family matters. The upshot of all of this: Less paperwork (“save-a-tree”) and avoiding unnecessary legal expenses!
To learn more about choosing Collaborative Practice for YOUR peaceful divorce, contact one of our Professionals at Bridges Collaborative Divorce Solutions.
~~
Randall Poff, Retired Collaborative Attorney and Family Mediator
When you’re a child of divorce, holiday celebrations can come with a lot of baggage.
Change of address, telephone number, or email address
e to the traditional litigation process. For most families, there is nothing of value to be found in court. The people in the conflict are far more familiar with the problems to be solved, and better able to clearly communicate what each needs to feel heard, respected, and treated fairly.
meeting). It will also help if you open any important documents ahead of the meeting and have those windows open to be able to share them with meeting participants, if needed. The host may need to enable your screen sharing.
THREE REASONS WHY YOU NEED A DIVORCE COACH
Earned Income Credit. The value of this credit increases temporarily in 2021 and the income qualifications have been loosened.
surprisingly strengthened by their interactions in the world outside their homes; in entry-level jobs, community and volunteer activities. Sharing key values and interests is eye opening and gives rise to hope that a good future can be made, if one just has the chance. Determination creeps in as the network grows. Persistence overcomes obstacles as the way forward comes together with a plan. Developing organization and structure that supports you and your goals brings added assurance.
What are the tools?
Your Bridges’ professionals took Veterans’ Day away from their offices to honor vets and learn from and with about forty local collaborating professionals. We spent the day engaged and engaging with our peers.
Welcome Metro-Parent readers…
