LOVE IS NOT THE ANSWER

I’ve been struck by the stories of women, in my divorce coaching practice the last
few years, who describe being surprised at the level of deception committed by
their spouses. It’s rather debilitating to discover after twenty plus years of marriage
that your husband has been cheating on you since the beginning; hiring and
spending tens of thousand of dollars on prostitutes, squirreling away finances in
secret bank accounts, ready to support whatever and whoever he fancies next.

Though not all my clients are women, it is the women who report such debilitating
life experiences, lives that leave them doubting themselves. Why didn’t I see it?
When did it start? Why didn’t I leave sooner, when it didn’t feel right? I must not
have been a fulfilling enough partner. What could I have done differently to
prevent this from happening? I should have loved him more.

As the shock wears off, as the numbness is replaced by grief and confusion, sorting
through the rubble is painful but valuable. Threads appear that help make sense of
where they find themselves now. Themes emerge: I trusted him. I had no reason to
suspect anything was going on. I was so involved with the kids, my job and
managing the house. (Maybe I was too numb to see what was happening, given the
anti-depressants I was on.) I respected his need for space, for travel and stayed
home to watch over things. The distance between us grew, but I had plenty to keep
me busy.

I was holding our life together. I loved our life. My life. Our house. The
kids! Still love the house and the kids:)

The pieces come together as the truth is uncovered, sometimes unexpectedly. An
angry ex-girlfriend threatens to spill the beans, so husband fesses up. Many a wife
turns super sleuth, eventually digging up records to reveal houses purchased with
someone else, a history of eating out, evidence of alternative lifestyles and purchases
reflecting parenthood. The desire to know the truth becomes quite compelling.

Continuing to talk about it is huge for the healing and sense of protection it can
bring. Family, friends, therapists and coaches, a good attorney and financial
advisors all help to calm the nerves and provide direction through a maze of
complicated decisions with someone you don’t trust anymore.

Revelations continue, regardless of the situation (has anyone moved out?) The
drive to know what really happened intensifies. The grief as well, continues to
un-twine, shedding doubt on my client’s assumptions about her life. Did our
marriage even exist the way I thought it did? Who did I fall in love with? What
does this mean about my life going forward? How can I imagine a life going
forward and trust myself to make those decisions when I was so wrong about the
past?

Again, support is needed, and the number of support groups for divorcing women
in this country is not surprisingly, a high number. Many of the groups are on-line
making it possible to not feel alone in the tragedy or get stuck in self-blame. There
may be a history of blaming her for everything, and worse, making for multiple
levels of abuse to come to terms with.

Gradually, very gradually, self -trust can be restored. As the story of her past settles
into a coherent version of events, though unpleasant, the grieving process does it’s
work. An understanding of her vulnerability and social conditioning as a woman to
put her family and husband’s needs first, helps lessen culpability. Assertiveness
training helps her to speak up for herself and turn things around, set boundaries
with her needs in mind and take action.

Perhaps a meaningful career path can be identified at this stage and the confidence
that emerges adds to the sense that things are going to work out, that not all is lost.
A stronger sense of community may be felt, and solidifies the sense that
relationships built on honesty and trust work, and are satisfying in a way the
marriage never was. If the kids are alright, that helps tremendously, of course.
Other issues like health or a need for further education can be addressed in the
proper time.

These women can make it through, make needed adjustments; they
can discover strength, purpose and clarity about what matters now.