What a softer, gentler, amicable, low-conflict divorce or separation often looks like.

What is a friendly, or amicable divorce? We can start with what it is not. Non-amicable divorces and separations typically happen in a high conflict context with disagreements and past dirty laundry aired publicly in court filings and court hearings. If children are involved, the children often suffer when they are used as pawns or as the subjects of ongoing disagreements. The non-amicable divorce also tends to be very expensive, time consuming, and consequently stressful for the parties and children involved.

If both partners are willing, there are better ways of dissolving a marriage or long-term relationship. A kinder, gentler, softer, more amicable divorce or separation is realistic when that is the goal of both parties. While not always possible in cases where there has been a history of domestic violence, personality disorders that go unaddressed, or patterns of coercive control or big power imbalances, many families can successfully complete amicable divorces from start to finish.

An amicable separation is different from high-conflict litigation in the following ways:

Emotionally. The gentler separation often involves therapy as couples sort out whether to stay together. Ideally, if one partner decides to separate, it would not come as surprise to the other partner, because they have had many conversations on their own and in couples therapy. Each partner may have also sought individual therapy, have asked for emotional support from family and friends, and have practiced self-care throughout the process.  Although often still painful, partners have developed a good understanding of each other’s perspective on their relationship.

For partners who have determined to separate, they have had conversations about what their post-separation will look like.  It is often recommended that partners check-in with mental health professionals throughout the separation process. For partners with children, they have started to talk with each other about what their relationship will look like as co-parents. Partners also tend to avoid the emotional toll of drawn-out conflicts by resolving their case more quickly than the months (or years) long wait for a judge’s decision.

Legally. Many couples who have the goal of separating amicably strive to reach agreement even before filing anything with the court. They tend to use mediation and collaborative models because they are confidential and private. By contrast, court hearings are public and recorded, and anyone (including one’s own children) can later listen to those recordings.  Mediation and collaborative models encourage buy-in from all sides without making the other look bad and without using threats or ultimatums.

While it is almost always a good idea to consult with an attorney, separating partners who strive to resolve their issues amicably, will seek out attorneys who have been collaboratively trained or who have a reputation for encouraging their clients to attempt mediation early and often.  Some separating partners are able to use their attorneys sparingly because they have been able to discuss and negotiate many agreements on their own.

Once they have reached an agreement, an attorney can review agreements and draft a stipulated judgment with the court, sometimes with one single filing as Co-Petitioners.

Financially. Just as there are no surprises with filing court paperwork, partners in a gentler separation are transparent about their financial situations, with clear and prompt disclosures of their assets and debts. Separating partners often use mediation or a collaborative process to divide their assets. While some states define what is a “fair” division of assets and debts differently, partners in an amicable separation seek to reach a resolution that feels fair to each other, not just what is regarded as equitable in the eyes of state law or by the court.  Because the litigation process can be so expensive and time consuming, partners who work through an amicable divorce are often better off financially than they otherwise would have been because they have spent less on legal fees to resolve their case. When striving for a gentle divorce, partners with children recognize that it is not in anyone’s interest to leave the other parent destitute or without enough resources to create a safe, comfortable space for their kids.

Softer on the Kids. When children are involved, parents seeking an amicable divorce or separation tend to create a safer emotional environment for their kids. When parents seek to keep their disagreements away from the children; communicate to their child(ren) together about big family changes; and take time to listen to their child(ren)’s concerns, worries, and fears, kids are more easily able to adjust to the realities of two homes, to the reality of parents’ new partners, and to spending time with each parent separately.

An amicable divorce often includes finding resources for kids as needed for individual therapy or group therapy, or with other kids whose families are changing.  Parents in a gentle divorce often use mediation to reach agreement on a parenting plan to promote buy-in and avoid a long adversarial litigation process.

Post-Separation Work. Even after separation, partners who have gone through an amicable divorce or separation do the emotional work to make peace with the past relationship and even find ways to honor their past relationship by speaking respectfully of their ex-partner. If they have reasons to interact, they maintain a friendship and find ways to hold positive regard for each other.  For ex-partners who are also co-parents, as issues and disagreements arise, co-parents use mediation to resolve their disagreements peacefully.

In doing so, they often avoid the need to re-open their court case through the court.  Parents strive to support each other’s involvement in the child(ren)’s life, their school and extracurricular activities.  Any parent with a blended family will confirm that blending families is not easy for anyone involved, but some parents make it work through lots of patience, listening and empathy. For the kids’ benefit, some parents are able to plan some vacations with the kids together with their new partners in tow.

Don’t feel bad if you are not there yet, nor never get to that lofty stage of co-parenting, but it is something to aim for!  Children who are shielded from parental conflicts, who hear their parents speak in positive ways about their other parent, and who enjoy a meaningful safe relationship with both parents post-separation, have a higher likelihood of adjusting well to their new family configuration.

Of course, life is rarely as clean and neat as the ideals we have outlined here, and an amicable divorce is not always possible. For partners who both want an amicable divorce, it’s helpful to aim for those ideals as they work toward an emotionally sustainable, low-conflict, economical and child-friendly separation.

Tonya Alexander Collaborative Attorney & Mediator

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